"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Tuesday, 15 October 2013

~ ~ ~ one ~ ~ ~

While contemplating the parallels with the book "the host" referred to in last week's post, it occurred to me that a shift in internal identification has taken place while I wasn't paying any attention. "We" don't need a miraculous 'happy ending'.

He is gone

I looked on painfully as the pretend-male, seemingly logical part of this team worked so hard to think himself out of a complicated, contradictory life. Disastrously, yet out of necessity, his fabricated persona ran the show and did it so very convincingly. Lately that male persona, the last of the façade it seems, was running out of steam. I could tell because everything 'he' thought and felt became mine, yet that straw man did not have the power to survive. I do. He hurt and wanted and it felt like insanity, even though it was just more of the same; almost sixty years of turmoil in a pressure cooker venting constantly that he had helped me survive.

Our therapist assured us many times, we are a good person, full of love; doing the best we can. Now we... no, I am convinced that being a good person to the rest of the world is very well and good, but I need to stand up for myself too, and love myself. Nobody else can know what I need in order to be whole. More importantly, doing what is good for others is often toxic for me.

I have always thought that the point of writing here was mostly for others, so they might know that a personality spanning both sides of the gender divide, like two drivers taking turns on a long trip, can exist and perhaps thrive. I am glad to have this blog now as a record of how "we" became "I". 

Today, late, but not too late, there is one person.  Despite living in a body that society, testosterone and the needs of a lifetime lived by a synthetic male personality created, it turns out "he" really isn't needed now. I am this complex, logical, caring, whole-hearted person in charge of making the choices that can be made here. There is nobody else to blame or credit living inside with me. 
Perhaps the last key came from you Ellena, when in your comment you referred to a difference between "being a body and having a body". Thank you for following your desire to comment that day!

I Am Not My Body

Time will tell what further baggage from the past can and must be changed or eliminated. "I" am determined that my love for my sweetie and our children (and soon, our grandchild!) will be honoured. 

Life won't ever be easy. It isn't supposed to be. Yet amazingly, I'm convinced making good choices comes down to one complex ingredient.  



  1. I find something deeply uplifting occurs in me when someone else goes through an uplifting and enlightening experience. "I am not my body; I am not my thoughts; I am not my emotions; I am something else." is such a liberating mantra when it is held in faith. When it is known from experience, it is like a great light shining into the future.

    1. Tom, it hadn't occurred to me that this is but a baby step along the way, but yes, I aspire to accept then release all of those things that prevent each of us from seeing that light you speak of.

  2. I have changed much about my body to make it less male but is finally allowing myself to express my authentic personality which gives me the greatest joy...

  3. I'm honored to maybe have been the vessel through which questions travelled into your conscience for which the answers lay deep inside you.

  4. Hi Halle,

    Seems like I am always playing catch-up...with everything...

    It has been way to long since writing to you or even commenting on your blog.

    You mention here that you finally love yourself for yourself. I too have finally come to that conclusion. I LOVE ME...for the first time in my entire life...and no one is ever going to take that from me...EVER!

    So glad to be able to get caught up again.



  5. Caroline, I feel so much better than ever before, but I know there is still a level of expression I am denying myself. So very glad for you!

    Ellena, no doubt at all it was your seemingly innocent observation that provided an essential key. Again, many thanks.

    Cynthia, so glad you stopped by reminding me what good company I have on this journey. <3

  6. Oh, Halle, I loved that last couple of paragraphs! So well said.

    Calie xxx