"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Tuesday 2 June 2015

Just When You Think...

My sweetie has been such a trooper. Under tremendous pressure of changes nobody else she has ever known has experience with, she has made a choice. She and I will transition together. But what does that mean in reality?

This morning she told me one more time that I can't understand what she is going through.

She is right of course, and yet, it is not her who is bringing stress upon her. It is someone who thinks she is being a loyal friend.

Perhaps the most amazingly stupid question ever asked a transsexual, or her partner: "Have you given any thought to how what you are doing will affect those around you?"
This loyal friend isn't actually asking that, but she and her husband are evoking it. Over and Over...

Every day or so, they are making her aware of their fears that she and I will have no friends once transition becomes obvious to everyone.

They might be right.

We both hope they are wrong.

Yet I cannot help but think that a real friend will try to offer support for the path their friend has chosen.

I wonder when that part will begin, because if it doesn't start soon, this death by a thousand cuts will have to come to an end.


  1. Hi Halle,

    People are who they are and most understand nothing of what you and your wife are going though. You cant live your life worrying about them because the nature of life is that we always displease someone and unfortunately its usually the people with the least empathy or common sense. I know its like negotiating a mine field but you are level headed enough to navigate it wisely. In the end true friends will not leave you and the ones that do were never worth having.


    1. Of course you are right and so the issue become one of allowing my sweetie time to understand and take all of it to heart as well.
      Fear is primal and more easily stimulated than calmed.
      Thanks and peace to you as well Joanna.

  2. I endorse Joanna's comment. Good luck to you and yours.

  3. from Joanna above:

    "true friends will not leave you and the ones that do were never worth having"

    That's all there is to it.

    So if you end up with only one friend or dozens of friends, they will be true friends. And you can cherish them for that.

    Love to you and your sweetie. You're both fantastic women.

    1. We do know we have at least one friend, Alice! You're a Fantastic woman too.
      Love you.

  4. I was asked that exact question by my sister-in-law when I came out to she and my brother. (Just add an extra dose of self-righteousness.) Needless to say, they have decided I am not worthy of being part of their life. Or as I call it, a win-win. :D

    I also agree with Joanne. You will find out who your REAL friends are in the weeks and months ahead, hon. And you will treasure them all the more as a result. :)


    1. My Sweetie is strong and it seems to me she will come to that very conclusion when the dust settles.


  5. Perhaps it is time to start some educating... Few outside our circle have much real understanding of what we have to deal with. Much of it is lazy wilful ignorance which if they were wiser they would be embarrassed to show.

    The transition process will certainly refine your christmas card list, I feared the worst but found that my list got longer!

    Two have already quoted the best advice...

    1. I like the idea of educating: but you knew I would!
      The Christmas list getting longer really gets my attention!

  6. Halle,

    The only friends to lose seem to be this couple. I fully echo what Joanna wrote and add that you may want to find a clip from last Thursday's Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly's press conference. Seriously. He responded to a question about a former star player accusing him of trading said star player because of his race.

    Kelly's response was a little curt, but 100% correct and is something we transfolks should practice: "Not letting fear of other people's perceptions rule our life" (not his exact words, which are more eloquent).

    I have done exactly that for four decades. No more.

    May you and your wife move on together and have a bessed, wonderful life together. If i can be help, please let me know. GOOD LUCK


    1. Agreed wholeheartedly about how worries of what others think have ruled way too long in my life. What is needed here is time for my dear wife to catch up and embrace that same feeling. Thanks for the support Karin.

  7. I can't add much to what everyone else has said.
    My experience was that our real friends have stuck with us, and continue to do so.
    Other people that I counted as friends ended up letting me down by deciding that I didn't need their support and in one case someone that I got regular emails from stopped sending them.
    Transition did lead to making new friends who know my transgender status and have been more supportive than I could have dreamed.

    1. We haven't talked about the possibility of finding new friends as a result of coming out together. I love that optimistic vision. Thank you Jenna.

  8. Unconditional love and unconditional support come to my mind.
    Bon courage, as we say in Quebec.

    1. The friends who are currently having trouble letting go of their own fears have been good friends in the past. It may take some time and it may take them experiencing Sweetie and I as a happy couple into the future for them to accept that "in fear" is no way to live a life.
      In other words, we will model for them what unconditional friendship looks like.
      Merci Ellena.

  9. Every change in my circumstances has always brought about a change in my friendships. When I was in high school and my mother had an anuerysm no one ever asked me if I knew how it would affect those around me, because that would have just been stupid. But it did affect those around me and it was not the first or last time in my life that I lost most of my friends.

    Best of luck to you sweetie!

    1. A great point to keep in mind. We too have found and lost friends over our long married life. Perhaps what we have here is a circumstance and an opportunity that is more familiar to someone younger.
      Too often I've heard myself say "I'm too old for this."
      Time to accept the fact that this will be an opportunity to refresh our lives and new and strong friends are waiting to embrace us.
      Thanks Nadine xx