"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Friday 13 May 2016

The Big Reveal

A misleading title? Possibly, because what is being revealed is so wonderfully ordinary, which could be what makes it big and important. No matter, it seems a good idea now to give you all a report about what is going on chez Halle currently; three months into living as myself; one quarter of a year.  So here it comes.

Real-Life Experience is the term camh continues to use (a bit apologetically in the case of my clinician there) to refer to being yourself and never again pretending to be the gender assigned incorrectly at birth. What I know now and might have guessed is that life now is no more or less real than the other 255/256 of my life. As a woman whom I've worked with for years told me in the past week, "It seems to me your experience here (since transition at work) has been so positive because you are the same person whom everyone respected and enjoyed working with all along, but you have a twinkle in your eye now that you never had. You are you, but better!"

Over the past years there were dire predictions from people I had told in my close circle. This gem pretty much sums up the general feeling: "You risk losing all of your friends and family." Anyone who lives long and well can tell you that all of life is a risk. In the end, however, this prediction became the gauge for when it was time to give up the façade completely. Last fall it came to the point where I knew loss of all friends and family would be preferable to continuing  to pretend to be the guy. 

What, in fact, has happened is that I have found out who really were my friends and family all along. 

Some have surprised me. As recently as this past week it has become clear. One person whom I thought would see that I am still me and only my sex marker and name have changed to match the person I have always been has surprised me totally by not responding to my requests to talk and perhaps get together; total silence. 

One relative who I thought would never abandon me has written me off totally; there is some sort of religious basis for her behaviour, so that has to be factored in. Extremism changes so much in surprising ways, sadly. 

Even Mrs. Halle, who made it very clear she wants nothing to do with being married to another woman, has said that she still cares for me and accepts me as a best friend. We are still living under the same roof, albeit on separate levels and with separate facilities. Thank goodness for that apartment we really didn't want down here where I am now living. 

Another dire prediction had to do with where we live and how 'backward' some are here. Many told me that even walking down the street was going to be potentially dangerous. I will say right off that nothing anyone said in that regard was believable to me. I trusted that if I felt confident and just went about my business as though everything was fine, then everything would be fine. I'll bet you can guess who was right about the reaction of the average person on the street.

So, it seems the very best about "real life" is: dire predictions were way off! 

People I've interacted with have been respectful and polite. Strangers have ignored me mostly, apart from checking out the outfit as we women like to do to one another. 

I have more friends and better friends than ever. People whom I never felt close to have gone out of their way to let me know they respect me and value our friendship. We have connected and friendships are flourishing. My kids are still adjusting, but adjusting they are and they know I'll always be their Dad, no matter what. What they call me varies on a case-by-case basis, but the pronouns are consistently female. My grandchild is growing up strong and beautiful and she and I get along just fine thank you. 

Visible signs of change are happening and continuing to 'develop'. My body is responding perfectly to HRT (now in my tenth month). My hair seems to be thicker, my waist is becoming more defined, and hips are filling out gently. My "girls" are 'saying hello' very nicely. No wig and no padding of any kind are needed. 

I'm learning the subtleties of makeup and have found a hair style that I can get ready in a short time. In a rush, it is possible for me to go from wakeup and get out of bed to out the door in 30 minutes or so. Life is as it should be. 

A new birth certificate arrived a week ago with my chosen name; my first official document. After a visit to the banks, my first credit card in my own name came this week. I couldn't have predicted how that made me feel and I won't try to give it a word, but it was a very good thing indeed. 

There is a lot to do. I relish every part of it and more energy and less distraction mean better focus. 

I'm never likely to forget the path that led to where I should have been so long ago. It is my path and part of that is a feeling of adventure that I hope will end only when I do. 

What an interesting coincidence: 13 weeks of me on the 13th of May. Oh, and as Meg used to say, Friday the 13th falls on a Friday this month. 


  1. Most of this sounds very familiar and I am over the moon for you! I remember being a little shocked that some of the people who I would never have expected to lose I have lost, and some of the people who I expected to run a mile have been so supportive. Long may it continue!

    as for:
    I'm learning the subtleties of makeup and have found a hair style that I can get ready in a short time.

    :) This is soooo important for me to be able be live day to day! I know people who spend hours getting ready and I can never understand how they get up so early for it!


    1. My hope is that one of these days I'll be a "wash and wear" gal like so many of my girlfriends. They are feminine without any makeup at all (or so little it looks like none) and hair that they can come out from a swim, blow it dry and walk out looking great!
      Thank you Stace!

  2. Dear Halle,
    I am so happy for you. As your co-worker said: You are you, but better!I wish you the best.


    1. Thanks Peggy. All the best to you too!

  3. What can I say? Being congruent with your soul and not trying to play a misassigned role has joy beyond our imaginings. I am so glad that you can finally feel that joy.

  4. Halle,
    Having never had the ability to get out the door on a morning within 30 minutes, I am impressed. And very glad to hear that you really find the grass greener on that side of the fence.

    1. No one is more surprised and pleased about how green it is than I! The 30 minutes is a big push for sure.

  5. I totally relate to the people that you think will stick with you distancing themselves from you. A long time friend who used to email me on a regular basis after he moved to a different company simply stopped doing so after I transitioned.
    Fortuantely people like that get replaced by newer and better friends as the friendships you develop are based on you but without the old facade. I have far more friends than I used to and they are people I trust and who mean more to me than the ones that distanced themselves.

    Getting out the door within 30 minutes of getting up, only if I have to but just about possible. Figuring out hairstyles that suit and you can work with is fun.

    1. Jenna, it seems to me that letting yourself be totally vulnerable as we do brings out the very best in those who care for us; so much trust back and forth!
      Finding a hairstyle that works has been really challenging but hopefully I'll have more flexibility as it grows out more.

  6. HI Halle,
    Hard for me to add much of value other than to say as times goes on I guess who you are and how well you are accepted will evolve and bring validation naturally.
    Maybe you reach a to a point in the future when the new cloak will not feel like a new one because mostly its comfortable enough for you and all of those who know you and accept you as you are - but it sounds like you are already well down that track.
    Best wishes

    1. As you suggest, the 'cloak' is definitely getting more comfortable and natural to wear.
      Thanks, and all the best to you too Lindsay!

  7. I am so happy for you, my dear friend. Such a positive post....well except for the relative's "religious" convictions, and I use that term very loosely.

    For those who might have missed this post, it's up on T-Central.

    Calie xoxo


  8. A Morgan16 May 2016 at 04:05

    I think you will find the reaction in your friends is also the same when you split up from your partner. When my 1st marriage broke down people I thought would be supportive disappeared and some who I never thought would be there stepped up to the plate. You can never really predict how any of them will react.

    I am so happy for you that you have come this far and how positive it is all being. Onwards and upwards :)

    1. Yes, it seems that in our case it could very well be that those two are backing away because they see that as a way to support Mrs. H.
      Thank you and yes, onwards and upwards!

  9. very positive news Halle and I am so happy for you! our worst fears are almost never realized as we inevitably find out for ourselves. Keep on going!

  10. Congratulations and I hope it all continues to go well.