"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Saturday, 2 July 2011

Every Time We Say Goodbye

There are aspects of straddling the gender divide that are hard to label successfully, in my humble opinion. I read blogs of self-described crossdressers that sometimes sound eerily familiar to me from reading blogs of self-described transexuals. We may be 'mainly this or that' but it seems we each can learn something about ourselves by empathizing with the other, unless of course, we are in the enviable position of having definitively 'solved' our 'problem'.

On a personal note, it is pleasing to be able to declare that having a balance between two halves of my psyche is going well. To recap, each morning I acknowledge to myself that presenting as a male is a bad, but necessary compromise that a long life of denial has made necessary for me. Having done that, and accepting that my mind and heart is somewhere else, it is time to move on and get on with my day as best I can.

I do not, I cannot dress the way my heart dictates, not even a little. Tempting as it might seem,  I am not the sort who can do the androgyny look, apart from the obvious. Lots of women are about in golf shirts, shorts and sandals in my part of the world right now, and that tends to be my uniform. Hairy legs are a giveaway of course as is the cut and style. My issue is not with the clothes at any rate; it is about who I am, and how that is expressed.

If I was going to accessorize my golf shirt, shorts  and sandals as Halle, it would be part of taking full control of the situation (moving to the driver's seat, as it were) and leaving the man behind. To say it bluntly, I must be one or the other gender on the outside. If I cross that line, there will be no heading back, because the mental crisis of back and forth, man today, woman tomorrow, is not something I could survive for long.

It has been said before here that I envy those who carefully and convincingly present in both the male and female, and seemingly dance back and forth at will. The word 'seemingly' was used intentionally. Every now and then these cross dressing friends (some I correspond with, but have not yet met, sadly) will write a post that makes me wonder whether they also suffer from a psychic malaise that going back to male brings after giving the woman inside full control for a while.

For me who knows I cannot do it, and for you who take the risk of having your heart ripped out each time you need to put yourself away again, a song that has been playing in my mind for a long time, and needs to be put out there.

Cole Porter was not likely thinking about our situation, but his lyrics and the music tell that story of loss better than a thousand of my words ever can.


  1. Love Cole Porter, love Natalie Cole, Love the song! And yes, I can relate to your sentiments. It was much harder for me when I was younger, and would have to return to male mode after a brief vacation from work, because I knew it would be a long time before I would be able to be myself again. SInce I have gotten older, I realize that I am me, regardless of what I am wearing. Sure, it's painful to not have that recognized by others, but I have come to full acceptance of who I am, and regardless of what others see, I will always know that I am not a man, and never really have been. Those who I love the most in this world, know and and accept the real me. My niece refers to me in private as her auntee, and my sister sends me emails addressed to Melissa.

    Melissa XX

  2. Hi Halle,

    I cannot believe how close to home you struck. Almost everything you said I can ditto. I have no idea just what your special circumstances are, nor does it matter. We all have to live in our own worlds. "I do not, cannot dress the way my heart dictates...", I cannot tell you how true this resonates with me.

    This post, and Melissa's comment ( including the Cole Porter and Natalie Cole part ), what can I say? You have both clarified so many of my own thoughts. I am forever in your debt. Bless you both.

    Many Blessings, Prayers, and Hugs,

    Cynthia XOXO

  3. Yes. Have a Jenny day, and the days following are ever more scruffy.

  4. I'm glad to hear that you have found a balance. As you said, it's not about what you wear, even if you wish that could be different. It's about who you are. Hopefully, you are able to express your real personality and not feel as though you have to censor yourself. The real you is a good person!

  5. Dear Halle,
    thank you for the song, it’s in my heart now too.
    My woman is bringing in the energy that keeps my man alive.
    He will die if she is not going back.

  6. Thank you Halle, really well captured.

    My issue with this is so acute that I only have to think about her for an hour and I'm dying a little for not being her.

    Oh well...

    Rhi x

  7. Melissa, finding the gentle way to let those who I love the most in this world, know and and accept the real me is on my mind these days. I wonder how real Halle is to them already without telling them. Would telling them in words really make a positive difference? If, as Ariel suggests, it is possible to express my real personality and not feel as though I have to censor myself, then the decision really comes down to how important being fully open and honest is to our relationship. Whatever the case Melissa, it works for you, and really that is why we write here isn't it; to relate what it means to live in our own worlds as Cynthia so ably puts it.

    Thanks to all for helping out on this post.