"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Thursday, 28 July 2011

I Don't Want To Be A Woman

I read the following in a comment yesterday, and it got me thinking: "The point of all of this is to become female." It might have been just careless use of language, or it might truly be what some individuals think we are all about. So, thank you for playing the game, but (insert rude buzzer noise here) ...wrong!!

We are so amazingly unique. I will guarantee that not every MTF would say they are doing what they do in order to become female, because I definitely am not.

This is not about semantics where some would say, "of course, because you have always been female, so you are not becoming anything but yourself. As true as that might be, I wish to repeat: I really do not want to become anything.

I want to stop having painful and distracting symptoms that have plagued me all of my life; symptoms I never understood until I came here to read and share my own truths.

In all honesty, as much as I might have thought a woman is who lives inside, whatever ends up giving me the best chance to stop that inner conflict and dislocation and distraction is the path I will end up following. So, if finding gender congruence turns out to be the only way out of this mess, that is likely to be my Act III finale.

For some, becoming female might be the result, but it is not always the motivation.


  1. It might have been careful use of language, if by female the commenter meant "anatomically female," which is what it usually means.

    But I understand what you're saying. It's not about wanting something. It's about making the pain stop.

  2. Hmm, if you have given all other possible courses a fair try and the pain continues, then there does come a point where becoming anatomically female is your goal, and the statement applies.

  3. For me it's never been about BECOMING...it's about BEING....and LIVING.


  4. Well said Tina. Thank you.

  5. I'm in a very similar space as you are Halle. I call my inner self Mirame - Spanish for "see me" - see who I am. All my life my transgender nature has affected me - stunting my growth as a person and socially because I could never react 'correctly' to social situations. I've suppressed Mirame - and suffered the consequences of depression and social isolation. Not to the extent that I could not 'cope' - I've even somehow married and am raising a beautiful daughter and am a pretty successful software engineer. Now that I've come to know Mirame (Mostly via Second Life)I realize how much a part of me she really is, and know how much of my sociability and even my creativity I've suppressed along with her...I'm left in sad state. To accept 'transsexuality' would destroy my marriage and much of what is good in my life, but how do I begin to integrate Mirame into myself without destroying the self that I already am? Without needing to become 'female'?

  6. Mirame, it seems you have done the most important thing. You have accepted that a part of you really is feminine.

    What I have found is knowing and then cultivating that social and creative nature my female side brings helps me to shoo away the self-hatred, that feeling of being stunted by being male. Being male does not have to mean shunning those important qualities. Ditch as much of the façade that you can.
    Be yourself as much as possible so you can feel more as though you are you, not just a person coping their way through life.

  7. There are some that say
    that Mirame
    should not exist.
    A lifetime hidden
    yet now, unbidden,
    she speaks.

  8. Speaking unbidden indeed. I understand that so well. Do not be surprised or upset by how powerful this side of you can be after hiding for so long. It is like a chamber under high pressure; it needs a release. If you do want to keep everything else you have worked for and value, channel that release in a positive way Mirame.

    All the best in your efforts.

    Email me if you wish. rushtonic at hotmail dot com.