There are probably a few readers who can relate to my love of sufficient planning no matter what the project. Many of my friends and sweetie in particular have pointed this quality out and called it "procrastination". I usually respond that I was going to procrastinate, but never got around to it. :)
Our good friend Petra once pointed out to me my resemblance to someone
who is looking at a Rubik's cube, turning it this way and that before
twisting it into shape.
Anyway, my point is that sometimes too much rumination on a topic can sidetrack you, and that has certainly happened to me here during the last year and a half. Of course, being sidetracked might actually be good in my case, since any progress has tended to keep the monsters at bay. Eventually however, the time comes to put all that good thinking to use.
I wrote to a friend about this, and am getting more certain by the hour (and yes, it did keep me from getting a full night's sleep) that unless something changes, the loss of productivity is going to continue to spiral until I do nothing but sit in a corner and vegetate. There is so much more to my life than I choose to discuss here, yet what I do manage to accomplish feels like only a small fraction of what I might if my mind was clear and totally devoted to each project.
As though a mental push was needed, one recent event has moved me even further toward action.
A few days ago I had decided that while my sweetie was out for much of the day, I would get a pile of desk work done while dressed in some casual but definitely female attire; something I have not done for many months and had tried to convince myself I did not really need. A phone call changed everything. I spent the day elsewhere and did not get a chance to either do the desk work or dress as I had planned. The truly telling part of this episode is how profoundly disappointed I felt at the turn of events. An inner voice literally yelled at me that I had made a promise and now had reneged. All logic and rationalization of the event cannot erase this truth about my feelings, and honestly, I do not know what to make of it.
Many in Blogistan have come to the point where they are moving on, because that is something they can do now. My not so simple desire is to be one of those people who can move on. I desire to be trans-nothing.