There are probably a few readers who can relate to my love of sufficient planning no matter what the project. Many of my friends and sweetie in particular have pointed this quality out and called it "procrastination". I usually respond that I was going to procrastinate, but never got around to it. :)
Our good friend Petra once pointed out to me my resemblance to someone
who is looking at a Rubik's cube, turning it this way and that before
twisting it into shape.
Anyway, my point is that sometimes too much rumination on a topic can sidetrack you, and that has certainly happened to me here during the last year and a half. Of course, being sidetracked might actually be good in my case, since any progress has tended to keep the monsters at bay. Eventually however, the time comes to put all that good thinking to use.
I wrote to a friend about this, and am getting more certain by the hour (and yes, it did keep me from getting a full night's sleep) that unless something changes, the loss of productivity is going to continue to spiral until I do nothing but sit in a corner and vegetate. There is so much more to my life than I choose to discuss here, yet what I do manage to accomplish feels like only a small fraction of what I might if my mind was clear and totally devoted to each project.
As though a mental push was needed, one recent event has moved me even further toward action.
A few days ago I had decided that while my sweetie was out for much of the day, I would get a pile of desk work done while dressed in some casual but definitely female attire; something I have not done for many months and had tried to convince myself I did not really need. A phone call changed everything. I spent the day elsewhere and did not get a chance to either do the desk work or dress as I had planned. The truly telling part of this episode is how profoundly disappointed I felt at the turn of events. An inner voice literally yelled at me that I had made a promise and now had reneged. All logic and rationalization of the event cannot erase this truth about my feelings, and honestly, I do not know what to make of it.
Many in Blogistan have come to the point where they are moving on, because that is something they can do now. My not so simple desire is to be one of those people who can move on. I desire to be trans-nothing.
I am shuffling along - not because I can but because I couldn't do anything else. I was so drugged up and so unhappy that I had to accept the reality of who I am. Wishing and hoping for another outcome just didn't work anymore - wish there was another way
ReplyDeleteHi Halle,
ReplyDeleteI know you are not a believer, but I will continue to pray for you and the condition we all seem to have in common. I have given my life, and that includes this condition, to my Lord. I can only tell you that some things have happened in recent weeks that I never could or would have believed. I simply know that these things happened not by my hands, but by the Lord's will. I had absolutely no say in the matter. They just happened.
Sometimes we have to let things happen without our approval. It may be the only way we can survive.
My wife now knows who I believe myself to be, and she has responded in a way I never believed possible. Life isn't all roses yet, but way better than I could imagine.
I'm not sure how far everything will progress, that's up to the Lord.
Hugs and Prayers,
Cynthia
Becca, the moving along I write about happens because writers have or are about to transition (like my friend Kathryn today) and have chosen to just stop blogging and start living.
ReplyDeleteI hope your acceptance works out well.
Cynthia, whatever it is that is moving you forward and giving you joy, I am happy for you.
Believe me, right now I am open to all kinds of possibilities.
Thanks for letting us know things are going well.
Do you know why you answered the 'phone?
ReplyDeleteJust asking.
Hi Ellena. It was an early morning call, and I answered in hopes of keeping it from waking my sweetie. I work part-time and sometimes get those sorts of calls to fill in at short notice. It was only after the call was over that my visceral reaction set in. That was part of the surprise I am still trying to recover from.
ReplyDeleteThanks for asking.
More frustration, huh? We've often debated whether we would take the blue pill, if one existed...and I'm not talking about Viagra...lol. It certainly would make life easier in many ways.
ReplyDelete"Moving on" is such a sad thing. Personally, I can't imagine myself doing that, no matter how infrequently I was able to be Suzi. The darkest 6 months of my life was about 3 years ago when my wife had a different job which allowed her to be home at the same time every day, and home every weekend. I never contemplated "moving on" because I knew it was helpless...at least for me.
I hope you are able to find that place in your life...that place that will give you peace and happiness.
@Cynthia: I couldn't agree with you more..."she has responded in a way I never believed possible."
Never have been able to figure out the Rubik's Cube myself Halle. It has satisfied me only as a construct of metaphor :)
ReplyDeleteFrustrating damn thing.
Yielding periodically to the call is good. There is comfort in the "doing". The effort may never yield 6 sides aligned, but 2 is better than 1, and 3 better than 2.
Peace.
Thinking about how beautiful your part of the world must be just now.
Enjoy,
Petra
Halle, I once wrote a guest post on Lori's old blog called, "To Never Transition". I later re-posted it in my own blog. In that post, I said:
ReplyDeleteShe is always with me. She never leaves. She is often in my dreams. She can steal valuable time from me.
The last comment, about stealing time, is exactly what you are talking about now. For a long time, I was simply getting nothing done, at work or at home. It's amazing I still have my job. I think I originally wrote that post about 3 or 4 years ago.
While I continue to have short periods of depression, I really do think that, in general, I have concurred the problem of the constant dwelling on IT. I've done this by just keeping myself too busy with things that I actually LIKE to do. Public service, hobbies, etc. I've written about this often, but it does work for me. I'm going out on a limb to say that Jenny would appear to use this method successfully.
I have also resigned myself to the fact that I will simply not transition until the moons and planets are aligned (and you probably know what I'm trying to say, but I won't go beyond this because it hurts too much to do so). It's the will power, the many activities I involve myself in, my friends, the exercise, etc., that so work for me.
And also, as you know, it's the books (fiction), that can allow me to harmlessly experience life in a small way, from a woman's point of view. I listen to these, while driving to and from work. Prior to doing that, I'd listen to music when, somehow, every song would somehow be associated with my "condition", making me arriving at work depressed every day.
I know I'm rambling....
xxx
Well Suzi, it may be helpless for me too, but if that is so, it may be that the 'blue pill' will become my way. I hope things are going a bit better than the last time we chatted hun.
ReplyDeletePetra, I suppose my reaction was telling me something essential, and maybe it is as simple as you suggest; I will yield again, there is no doubt in my mind at all.
This part of the world is just starting to be painted red, orange and yellow and yes, it is beautiful my friend. :)
Thanks for the ramble Calie, jam-packed with reminders for this struggling soul, most important being I'm not alone, and if you can survive, then I will keep trying too.