"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive boy who often thought he should have been a girl - -

Tuesday, 27 October 2015

a light to the darkness

Sometimes I wonder where ideas come from; have often theorized that there is a separate part of our soul that connects with the idea fairy... it might be so.

So very often these days, wonderful ideas come because of the luck of being connected with some amazing other souls travelling in parallel ... 

Thank you my dear Smoke Swallow ~ Rouchswalwe, for sending this today



Younger

There's a conclusion to my illusion
I assure you this
There's no end to this confusion
if you let it wish you well
soul to sell
highest bidders, can't you tell what you're getting?
There is a light to all this darkness
I will tell you this
there's redemption in you asking them just why it is
Some answers are better left unspoken when you know you ain't getting any younger,

Younger, younger
Are you?...

Why we fight to get on loving I've been wondering
How your mind will leave you hanging your heart lingering
stay lost
then found by whoever stays around, forgetting
There is a way to be yourself, I assure you this
There's a way to catch your dreams without falling asleep
You might as well get it while you can, babe
'cause you know you ain't getting any younger,

Younger, younger
Are you?...

There is a light to all this darkness if only we
fight against them telling us how we should be.
I refuse to have you break me
when you know you ain't getting any younger,

Younger, younger
Are you?

Wednesday, 21 October 2015

It's All Fun and Games Until...

It would have been so much easier if I had a hobby; dressing up and going out with the gurls now and then for fun and then putting it all away for the rest of the month. 
Harmless fun.

Instead, I had to be me, and what does that mean? Right now, (and remember, I am not full-time yet) it means sore boobs, an extra x minutes to get ready to do anything, and the need to think about how I speak or walk on this particular day and what I eat and oh, get lots of exercise so this changing body doesn't get way out of shape. Oh, and how can I forget, what I am going to wear (the fun part), and whether that is only androgynous, or maybe something to push the boundaries a little.

I seriously wonder if life will ever feel normal again. Feeling normal would mean acceptance (the final stage) by me and by others around me. Yes, you read that correctly; I need to accept me first, and at the moment am stuck swirling in a whirlpool made of  those other four stages of grief.

It is all fun and games until you find your heart's desire, and then the serious business of finding your I begins.


Monday, 19 October 2015

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and


I love you

You have changed 

How dare you go somewhere I can't follow?! 

There is no guarantee
we will get to the final stage of grief. 

Or Can I? 

Friday, 16 October 2015

The First is Always the Best

Because I didn't do anything special, it is oh so sweet.

The day started with lots of chores to do, so I put on a tee shirt and light sweater and jeans... brushed my hair and went to work. 

Sweetie told me that D____ was coming in a while to give her a ride to her luncheon. 

I had just come in from shaking out the mat at the front door when I heard a knock on the front door. Looking through the window, I could see it was D____ so I called to the back of the house to alert J_____, and went over to open the door. 

As I was opening it, D____ was already talking: 
"Sorry to bother you but I'm looking for... "then a wide eyed pregnant pause that I interrupted with "Hi D____ come on in. J______ is expecting you."

Eyes still wide she closed her mouth then opened it again to say 
"(insert guy name) !!!?????? I am SO SORRY!! I saw a woman shaking out that mat and thought this was the wrong house.

"No problem D_____" says I, with the start of a grin that didn't fade for a long time. 

In reality, I wanted so much to give her a big hug and tell her she made my day. 

Tuesday, 13 October 2015

Better Living Through Chemistry

Amazing how time goes by for me these days! As Meg used to say, Friday the 13th is on a Tuesday this month. I have been so busy and hardly thinking about being trans at all! There is no one thing that has made such a change, but I am sure my body and mind are really happy to be getting their estrogen bath each day.

Nobody should play around with their body chemistry without the help of a specialist with a medical degree. Somehow get to a psychotherapist, and then an endocrinologist before messing with any hormones or blockers. Follow their instructions carefully and be honest about your intentions to yourself and them.

I fully understand the terrific drive to use any means to achieve a goal of wholeness. I know that feeling of wanting to rid myself of the effects of "Mr. T".

On the flip-side, T made it possible for me to escape bullies at school with a single look. It took away the ambiguity in my heart. I was definitely a man, and had no choice but to live that way and do my best to act the part at a time when the term trans was unknown, and being what we now call trans would have been unthinkable. Decades later I can see it differently; notice all I lost because of it, but unlike some, at the time, I didn't hate becoming bigger than the 11 year old child had been. The thing is, nothing about being a man came instinctively to me and I do mean nothing. Everything was acquired by observation or instruction.

I am a twelve year old in hormonal terms again, enjoying all the early signs of what sort of woman I might be soon and finally. My instincts are keen for that body and all the emotions to happen NOW, but I have learned patience. As well, there is a shift in my priorities that I will try to talk about at some future time.

With that in mind, it was so much fun to watch this video. I do love Des and Lacey! So many things Lacey is experiencing resonate. If anything amazing happens here, I'll let you all know. Be safe and do your best to love yourself!

Sadly, the video series that Des and Lacey put up has become unavailable since this post was written ~~~