Driving through town, it was impossible to miss the teenaged girl walking along, expressing her joy in being herself. Her hair flaming red, she wore bright shiny fuchsia coloured leggings, with a short black skirt and black jacket over a shiny gold top. She practically danced down the street, and nobody thought anything of it, even in a small town. She was being herself.
My feelings of inadequacy as a male were there in stark relief. Not only am I not supposed to ‘be’ that joyful (because apparently men don’t do “publicly happy” in my culture), but even if I was allowed to be joyful, I am not allowed to ‘look’ or dress that joyfully.
It is important to note, to be fair, the fact that a fifty-something female dressing as she was would also receive a negative reception (there goes the crazy lady). So even if I transitioned tomorrow, that kind of self expression is out of range for one my age.
To give this rant a point, let’s just say that I wish I could express even ‘really happy’ in my life. That would be something exceptional. Truly joyful is not likely that is sure. Women of my age group are allowed to express themselves and their joy publicly, even if their dress would be somewhat subdued compared to the young lady in the introduction.
It makes me sad to think of what I missed because I was beaten down back then, when I was young enough to get away with joyful. It is really eating at me to think that but for a twist of genetic fate, my brain and my body might have matched, and I might have expressed true JOY in my attitude and in my dress, at some point in my life. When it comes to loving who you are and physically expressing your joy in being alive, the façade sucks,
Rant ends here.
Halle
The best way to express your JOY is just being your self. Thats all you can do wish you where not who you are will not let the true nature of JOY. Look inside your self to find that JOY. What we are on both the inside and the outside makes you who you. Join both sparks that are male and female and make them one. Don't put a line between them and say which better. Forge them in to one union and let the JOY flow from with in.
ReplyDeleteBe happy she can express herself?
ReplyDeleteNot much, but no one ever promised life would be fair. I'd like to be the lass in the brown boots and miniskirt I say when I was six. But I never will be. So, I can be happy that the young are young, or I can regret that circumstances landed me in a small town in England that "discouraged" such exuberance.
It was a long time ago, in a place that is a far, far away. If I see a lass celebrating her happiness, I am happy to be old enough to appreciate it. :-)
Typo... I saw. Not I say. Sorry! :-)
ReplyDeleteJoy? in public? in an English town? The world is surely changing. Small town England used to be frown on such behaviour. Before 1977 there were by-laws forbidding public Joy between October and May. Heavy bottle green tights were allowed if accompanied by a tweed twin set and brown brogues, but only if you were the local librarian, County archivist or had a note from the Parish Council. Of course it was different in "that" London, where bold colours were tolerated and pastel shades were even subsidised by progressive boroughs. In 1980s Hampstead one could even wear feathers without disapproval. Nowadays I just can't get enough feathers, and most of the kids wear black or hideous synthetic football shirts- times change.
ReplyDeleteHalle, I absolutely relate to this post. I have had that feeling many times.
ReplyDelete@Claire - You have such a way with words, girl!
Calie xxx
Yes, I feel your frustration. Recently I've started attending a small church predominantly populated by trans gals. I have waited all my life (and it's been a pretty long one already) to be able to worship freely ... raise my hands in praise, maybe even dance a bit. My soul has longed for this and I never knew why until I realized who I was.
ReplyDeleteWendy
Living in a town mostly populated by attractive and stylish students I really feel your pain on this one. They're so happy expressing themselves the way they please!
ReplyDeleteI hope I'm not being too candid when I say that there are some amongst our community who would do well to heed your conclusion about not dressing like that unless you are a teenager. :)