As usual these days, everything is an opportunity to learn, even a rant. Yesterday was a day to feel sorry for the boy. Today I feel joy for the girl. That girl and this girl too.
That rant has reminded me that I, Halle, am alive, and am so incredibly grateful and thankful to be finally alive, thanks to this technology. Not so long ago, those emotions would have gone unexpressed. Those emotions would have been turned against me in the never-ending war that was my life until I, the guy, acknowledged this better part of me.
My joyful, feminine nature just happens to be located in that part of my brain that is the dominant side; the right side. As a strongly right brain dominant, I am not a verbal person. My thoughts come in images and global feelings. All of these have to be converted into words, and this always has been a slow process, but a necessary one.
The part of me that is male is the logical, linear, and talking part. It is the left half, and badgered the right side for most of my life to submit, and serve. It has always been the gatekeeper.
Since accepting my true needs and nature, that talking, reasoning part of me has slowly bent to the service of that feminine side, to verbalize those feelings, that joyful nature. Without the opportunity these interactions with my true family have given here in email and blog-land, it would have taken a lot longer to gain the insights and organize them into plans other than “run”, or “hide”.
I find now that when those very primitive instincts rise up, or the dysphoria overwhelms me (as it did when I felt such envy over that joyful young lady), I now have a way of tempering them; I put them into words. Years ago, that logical talker in the left side would have just got angry and told the rest of me to settle down, eat another hot-dog and shut up.
Thank you all for your virtual ears, because without these virtual gatherings, across oceans in some cases, through time zones and across a bridge that connects me with you, I would not have a reason to put these ideas into words. Without the words, the understanding might never come. Maybe, in time, I can find a way to express that joy physically, but until then, you can be sure it is inside, and being expressed here.