Being challenged to really dig down into that backpack full of old ‘stuff’ is not for the faint-of heart, but I know it is what I truly need to do in order to come ‘round right and be absolutely clear about why I am here and whether someone is going to die or live in the next little while.
In my previous post, I wrote the following crass remark about that person, one who I now realize did not deserve such criticism:
“I know there is so much more to me than the one dimensional façade I foisted on the world for so long.”
The person who has ‘taken care of business’ really does not deserve to be punished verbally or otherwise; he just did what seemed to be the right thing to do at the time, over and over for over fifty years. It didn’t always turn out well, but after all, it was a plan made by a child (almost an infant), so it didn’t go too badly, in retrospect.
What stimulated this reflection? In a post this morning, writing about early transitioning women, Anne wrote:
“What my friend pointed out was that what seems to stand out is that, not only did we KNOW something was wrong, we "FIXED IT", or died trying. Hmmmm.....That certainly gave me pause. Looking a bit deeper into this idea, and trying to give weight to all the reasons that people do not simply "fix it", I was forced to conclude that in those six individuals there existed a common denominator. It was uncompromising and focused determination.”
Anne and her friend transitioned early in their lives. Reading her post annoyed me at first, I will admit. Dammit, I have determination. What went wrong with me that I lost focus on myself and my needs (and it was real, do not be mistaken). It threw my mind into the past, and without a great amount of reflection, I wrote the following in a comment:
“In my case, taking all of the burdens of the world onto my own shoulders from about the age of three would have to be part of my 'problem'. Denial is another part of the formula.
Yes, my denial came in the form of single minded determination to not let anyone know that I was not the most powerful, capable force in the universe who could overcome anything inside or outside of myself and succeed.
A formula for a crash and burn if ever there was one. I managed for over fifty years.
Personally, I do not apologize. My world as a child was screwed up quite enough without acknowledging my 'little' problem, I guess.”
As it was flowing from my fingers, I realized these words from my heart were more than just a comment to Anne’s post. They were a revelation to a brain that has conveniently suppressed so much of my childhood.
So it would seem that my childish response to an event I had no active part in, and no control over at the age of three, created a person I have tried to live up to for the last fifty-five years. I’ve been adding to the weight of it every year. It is an enormous backpack my friends and nobody has ever asked me to carry it. If I put it down today, few will know.
Keep your mind open. You never can tell where your learning will come from or in what form it will arrive.
I am truly happy this morning; it is pleasant to hate myself a bit less... not forgiven, just understood a bit better.
Every now and then the axe blade hits the grain the right way, and a big log splits clean.ReplyDelete
Thanks for sharing.
xxoo - Petra
Wow! I am glad for you Halle. I am glad that you are happier this morning and I am glad that you are scared. You are in the unexplored territory. You are on your own, without, apparrently the comfort of your facade.ReplyDelete
You WILL find your way. My guess and my hope would be in an initialy fleeting equiibrium, but then with practice, a more comfortable one.
Keep us posted Halle. Your journey is indeed a beacon of hope
One of the strongest, most debilitating emotions is GUILT. When we are able to understand that we have done the best we can, there should be no guilt. As you gestated, you didn't ask God to give you the mind of a woman. As you grew, you didn't have the wisdom and understanding of a 50 year old. All the decisions made between those years were made only with the best of intentions. Mistakes need not evoke guilt. Many of us live in guilt for making decisions that have brought great joy to our children and wives...WHY?ReplyDelete
When I finally came to understand that I was transgendered and came to understand better what that meant, the guilt began to fade from my life. Without the guilt, I feel free to be transgendered to whatever degree I can while still giving love to those I love, without transitioning.
Breaking through the double-mindedness is a great key to happiness. This applies to ALL double-mindedness, not just what relates to being TG. :)Suzi
"When I finally came to understand that I was transgendered and came to understand better what that meant, the guilt began to fade from my life. Without the guilt, I feel free to be transgendered to whatever degree I can while still giving love to those I love, without transitioning." -SuziReplyDelete
What a brilliant concept, Suzi. Would mind expanding on this?
Anne, I'm not sure that sentence is a concept...it's just the way my life has unfolded. For many years I just thought I was a crossdresser...someone that liked to wear women's clothing. At least that's how I viewed crossdressing. Eventually I made lots of online TG/TS friends. I began to notice that all of our lives seemed to parallel each other very closely. This piqued my instinct to research the subject more and more. Like most of us, I came to believe this desire of mine was not just to dress like a woman, but to also express the femininity I'd held back for so many years.ReplyDelete
All of those years of hiding...all of those guilt ridden years. Guilty because it was wrong for a man to dress like a woman. Guilty because I felt God was very unhappy with my behavior. Even more guilt was felt because I COULD NOT STOP. How many times have we all purged our femme life...temporarily?
Eventually I grew to realize that God's love did not disappear from my life when I presented a woman to the world. I believe he allowed me to be born just the way I am. I also believe he loves Suzi just as much as he loves me as a man...perhaps more...lol.
What all this has done is give me great peace of mind. Shedding the guilt has removed the double-mindedness that depressed me before.
My wife has occasionally expressed worry that I might need to transition or live full time as a woman. I constantly reassure her that as long as she is able to accept and cope with Suzi some of the time, I will not transition. I just need some time to be myself. Being myself means that the feminine part of my life needs to be expressed too. I'm still laden with testosterone and I really don't hate my male life. That said, I feel much more relaxed and "at home in my skin" as Suzi.
Ultimately, I have made a conscious decision not to transition. My wife and I have been married 35 years. Losing her would be worse than losing Suzi. I can't even imagine my life without her. Therefore, I am willing to share my male life with her and still have time for Suzi's life.
I hope this is what you were looking for...lol.
Halle's journey is very familiar to me and I hope like crazy that she is able to move forward according to her desires.
Wow Suzi. Thank You for clearly articulating what very well may be a very viable alternative to "transition". With your permission, I would like to post this comment on my blog.ReplyDelete
Anne, The only way this can be a viable alternative to transition is to have an incredibly understanding, accepting, and loving wife. Like I said, she means more to me than Suzi...and Suzi means a LOT.ReplyDelete
Permission granted :)
As contrite as the term "journey" may be, it describes many of us as we travel through what we are dealing with and what it means to us. As we travel, we will sometimes revisit places we've been to and as we see them through seasoned eyes and experiences we learn things about ourselves. The phrase "If I really knew that about myself back then..." rings like a carillon bell in my head these days.
To expand on the journey metaphor, destinations are for tasks. Not only do I not look at life as a task, I know the destination for this trip is one all of humanity shares. In spite of all the bumps in the road and the detours, I'm really enjoying the trip, thank you.
I know that big girls aren't supposed to cry, but you happened to pack into 6 paragraphs what I'd like to be able to share with Amy on the subject. Thing is, she avoids any part of this as though it's deadly poison. I and many among us in the sisterhood know this simply isn't true. I've practiced speeches knowing that if I did share them then the discussion gets hijacked and spirals downhill from there.
I can't imagine your wife came to accept and know Suzi right away. Eventually she did. I do know though that Amy has a long way to go in that part of our journey.
I totally understand what you are going through. If my wife hadn't figured out that there was something unusual going on in my life...if she hadn't searched my computer and found pictures of me dressed...if she hadn't confronted me about it, I would STILL be hiding and practicing that same speech you mentioned.
My friend Lindsay's wife is the exact opposite of mine. Lindsay's wife won't even talk about the subject...she won't read anything Lindsay suggests...she won't have anything at all to do with any part of the transgendered life of her husband.
When I say that my wife accepts me, that doesn't mean she is totally happy with my TG life...it just means she loves me enough to realize this is something that is a very real part of my life, not just something I decided to take up one day in May. She would prefer that I was totally a man, but accepts that I am not. You're right to say it has taken a while for her to get used to seeing Suzi around the house. There is no way to express how thankful I am that she has been able to adjust.
I wish you nothing but the best. Don't give up...you just never know when something good will happen. :)Suzi