"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Thursday, 19 May 2011

Always Something There To Remind Me

It has always amazed me how the human imagination can fill in the blanks effectively enough to make a virtual experience seem very real. Reading a book, or listening to a radio play for example, we do not need to actually be there to be affected, sometimes deeply. I have not tried second life, but can imagine (there I go again) that it would engage me very strongly.

Both in your posts, and your comments, I find what is written and said here in Blogistan to be especially evocative, with the power to make a difference in how I think, and how I feel. The fact is, what you are telling me, and the effect it has, adds to my reality in ways that are actually starting to cause me difficulties.

A friend with a private blog wrote a post that reminded me how hard I have been working to filter my life experience here when I am in the "real" (for lack of better designation) world. Her spouse, like mine, does not want to hear about anything trans. Like Mrs. H, she is upset at times that we are not always attentive, not always able to make a contribution to the conversation; in short, we do not seem to be mentally present in the room where our body is located.

Some might say I am distracted, but in fact it is quite the opposite. My mind is there, totally engaged, but my dual nature and the promise I have made to hide it put me in a bind. I often have all kinds of things I wish to share, but those ideas or feelings are bound up with my life as Halle. In order to do justice to the idea, I would have to explain how I know about a blossom festival in Texas, or how I know about some pub, or nature walk in England, or a music camp in B.C., and on and on it goes!

Life here, so enriched by all of you, makes the real me seem to be very dull because I cannot acknowledge it to those around me. That real life feels diminished by pretending to be one dimensional. My admiration goes out to those of you who participate as yourselves in support groups, and shopping trips, and various other activities in the real world and still have to filter it all for people in your non-T life. It is no small wonder that 'coming out' is a huge event. Being authentic allows you to fully engage yourself in the present at all times.

No wonder I feel like Jedi Halle living in hiding some days. In order to avoid drawing attention to my self, I pretend to be "a mild mannered dope". So, once more, it is clear what needs to happen. In the meantime, move over Clark Kent.


  1. I know how you feel, and what you mean here, as it happens to me for the same reasons. Like you, some times it's a mismatch between Mrs A and me, as she wants to chat about things that I'm not interested in anymore, and I can't chat to her about the things I am interested in.

    Keep your soul smiling,

    Hugs anna x

  2. Why could you not simply say that you read several blogs? You don't have to say what kind of blogs they are or what kind of people write them.

    Thinking we need to talk.

  3. Dear Halle,
    I can't believe how much I feel just like you. You,and all the girls out here,have been such an inspiration to me. Please keep writing.

    I pray for you and all of us girls every day. We need all the help we can get.

    God bless us all.


  4. My heart goes out to you, Halle. Thanks for sharing.

  5. I get a lot of this, and not just at home either. The hell of it is that though we are being real with ourselves, those around us don't want to deal with what we've found. And so the facade continues.

    Damned if we do, damned if we don't.


  6. Other than saying that I am sending you good energy to help you make happen what needs to happen I have nothing else I can offer.
    Oh, may I add that I have made a few serious promises in my life that I could not keep and nothing very bad followed.

  7. How about this for irony...There are huge parts of my life that I cannot share with you all here for fear of "outing" myself.

  8. I find myself so in peoples blogs that I find it hard not to share. Mrs B obviously doesn't share my enthusiasn and its not as if I can tell others. Its an odd place we occupy sometimes


  9. @Anna… my smiling soul sends you a hug :)

    @Ariel; I should probably read other blogs and maybe even start another one like a good friend has done.

    @Cynthia, we do indeed need all the help we can get. Good to see you blogging too. Welcome to Blogistan :)

    @Sarah; at a certain point you either have to buy into the 'invent yet another layer for the façade' scenario, or be real and let the chips fall. I know which one feels better to me most days, but haven't got up the gumption to live it. Hang in there!

    Ellena, yours is a perspective that is I can appreciate more and more these days. From personal experience, I already know that so much that we worry about, things we are convinced might go wrong (because of broken promises is a good example) just do not go as badly as we imagine. All of that worry is just wasted isn't it? Thank you for that good energy surging across the Ottawa Valley toward me! Hugs.

    Anne, that is ironic and sad too. Sharing experiences with others is what living is really about. I guess that is what I am trying to say in this post. You get it. I know.

    @Becca, odd indeed! Maybe we need to keep 'massaging' our relationships so that we can eventually feel able to share everything without fear.