My world is populated with fictional characters. Perhaps you find this surprising, but for me, the you I know is a fiction. No matter how well you have described yourself to me, regardless of time spent together, or shared intimacies we have, I really do not know you. I know a version of you. Please realize this does not mean I don't listen, or care to know the real you. What it means is that eventually everyone has to create an internal 'you' that they carry around and think about and it is useful to realize that person inside is not the one that lives and breathes.
Have you ever had one of those sudden falling outs with someone? You thought you knew them better, but no, it turns out they were a phoney! Think back and try to be objective about the experience. When you made this huge discovery about something that did not seem 'in character' about them, what really went wrong?
Before two years ago, the 'I' who you know (or think you know) here did not exist. This is true in the same way that you don't really know your own adult offspring until they become adults; they change as they are growing in mind and spirit because of their experience. Three years ago, there was a presence here who I refused to acknowledge or name. Because she has been allowed the privilege of interacting, she has grown up. Childish in so many ways still, she is starting to mature into a reliable personality, and she is dragging the rest of me along, thankfully. Still happy to ride in the back seat, commenting on the scenery from time to time, I am learning slowly about the way the world works. I used to think I wrote here for myself. Then I wondered if it was for others. Now I know and really understand that I write to exist. If I ever stop writing, it will mean one of two things. Either I have stopped existing, or, I have decided to start driving the car, and have no need to write anymore.
We lament the fact that people cannot accept the real us. It is important to remember who 'changed the rules' in the relationship. Maybe we should have t-shirts made up with a sign to let everyone know that the ground can shift at any time.
Isn't everyone a work-in-progress, though? We are all constantly evolving. Our needs change. Our relationships change. The rules change.ReplyDelete
Great post, Halle.
Such a novel way to express and expose ones self to others, and to earn permission to know others better.ReplyDelete
Yes, truly, we are. all of us. works of fiction, heroes, heroines, villains and vixens in our own tiny and yet incomplete epics.
Precious few of us really have the luxury of reflection on our characters facets and roles. Fewer still have the nerve or spirit of generosity to go from "pense" to "ecris" after having reflected.
Delighted, really Halle, that you are one such soul.
CHeers - Petra
Having discovered your existance, I am grateful for feeling that I am one of the chosen for being allowed to read about some of your thoughts. You inspire in many good ways.ReplyDelete
Wow...a really powerful post, Halle, and I say that very seriously.ReplyDelete
Please keep writing.