"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Thursday, 2 June 2011

Driven Under By Fear and Shame

It set me back. I will never know how close it came to killing me. That was not how it felt at the time, but that is what is clear now; it made self-acceptance close to impossible. Better put, it was a revelation that made me sick to think about myself, and it drove me into psychic hell for a long time.

"It" was a revelation by my younger brother of a pivotal event in his young life.

I did not grow up with my brother, but I did see him regularly. That part of my family had a 'family friend' who was (he is long deceased) homosexual. It is that long ago that the word 'gay' had not started to be used for anything but 'happy'. This man was also a crossdresser, and we liked him a lot. He was intelligent and well-read and told many good stories that had nothing to do with being homosexual or crossdressing.

What I did not find out until somewhat later, as a result of my brother's revelation of his own devastating experience, is that this same person was a pediphile and rapist.

Things I believe now: When we prejudge people it is just plain wrong. When we broadly characterize people as a result of some particular quality they have, it is dangerous. Of course, I know that gay people don't usually crossdress. I know crossdressers are not usually gay. I know pediphiles are just that, and whatever other characteristics they have, gay, straight… oh whatever! When the person we prejudge is ourselves, what then?

Oh, how I hated this man once this came to light. I thought back on how we had all been taken in by this monster and it made me sick and determined that nobody like this would ever have a chance to do this sort of thing ever to my children. What was worse than hating a dead pervert, was the hatred it generated for myself, because I really did not understand what it was that drove me to my own personal 'perversion'; I was a closet crossdresser. Everything I had experienced in my life told me that this was wrong. Wanting to be a woman was perverted and wrong and I was secretly an evil and damaged person.

Sure, I sometimes crossdressed, but I would never do harm to a child. Heck, I would never have had sex at all without the encouragement of that wonderful woman who I married. Forcing anyone into sex was inconceivable to me. Sex is supposed to be the culmination of the most intimate getting to know and love someone experience that two people can have, not some violent hatred act forced onto a victim. Still, I lived in a private hell, wondering if somehow my mind was going to snap, and I was going to become what I hated most in the world. 

The full extent of the damage that one revelation brought I will never know fully, because it is a long time ago, but there is not a bit of doubt that my longings to be a woman were buried even deeper by  the profound shame I felt and the fears that it generated.


  1. Dear Halle,

    I didn't have that traumatic connection, but had built my own private hell of guilt and shame you speak so eloquently of. I can hardly imagine how difficult it must have been for you.


  2. Hi Halle,

    I am so sorry to hear about this abomination that came into your family's life when you were young. We don't understand these things at this age.

    Hatred can consume a person, forgiveness and forgetting it can set you free. When the Lord forgives us for our sins, He forgets them, they no longer exist. It's not always easy to forgive and forget, but praying for this can achieve it. Give all your hatred to the Lord to take it away from you. I couldn't live day to day without the Lord to lean on. I continue to pray for you and your family as well as all of us.

    Sorry Halle, I'm finished preaching.

    By the way, do you know the special formula for commenting on Debra's( Transitioning Past ) blog site? I just can't seem to get my comments published. I think they aren't going through ( probably my technological illiteracy ). Any help you can provide is greatly appreciated.

    Thanks again,


  3. @April; It seems we all have some story, or feeling like this, no matter how or why.

    @Cynthia; I forgot the man and that hatred long ago, but only recently understood how the knowledge of the event made me the one in need of a big dose of forgiveness, from myself.

    As far as the comment process on blogger, it seems as though your own settings sometimes have an effect and sometimes it is the bloggers settings. I will pass the question along to a techie friend for you.


  4. From Dashboard/Settings/Comments:

    The embedded comment form can not be used if you have Post Pages disabled.

    I've never figured out what Post Pages is, but it seems that the embedded comment box gives more users problems than the others. I always encourage people to set it for the pop-up, which I personally like best.

  5. Halle, You Are Forgiven!!!

    Thank you one and all. I'll continue to try everything everybody suggests...if I can find all of these things to check.

    Hugs all around,


  6. I dislike the word pervert and all derivations thereof. It's most often used to make one feel better about themselves at someone else's expense. In this case, however, I believe it applies. I don't believe in much, but I do believe that all confirmed rapists should be burned at the stake.

    That's a lot to have carried around with you, Halle. I have very few talents, but I think recognizing goodness in people is one of them. You are not that person, nor could you ever be.

  7. It's amazing the things we believe about ourselves based on the view of those around us. All things considered, it's easy to understand the oft quoted statistics relating to us. Too many of us go too long without questioning if what we hear about ourselves makes any sense or not. We just figure since "everyone" is saying it, it must be true.

    Once upon a time it was believed that the sun revolved around a flat earth. We knew this because "everyone" said so.

    A majority of voices holding a misinformed opinion doesn't make the opinion right. It just makes the majority look bad IMO.

    Some of us are lucky enough to find out we're not anywhere near as bad as we once thought ourselves to be.


  8. Halle,

    When I was in my early teens I started to really feel my female side developing.

    At the time I was friendly with a guy who was in his late teens, early 20s. We were part of the same group of friends.

    On a couple of occasions the group of us would go out for a walk in the countryside. On two of those occasions this guy and I ended up alone and he persuaded me to allow him to touch me where he shouldn't have.

    At the time I didn't think of it as being wrong. In fact, he had a girlfriend, and I must have been somewhat smitten because I remember looking at her and thinking how gorgeous she looked in some of her outfits, wishing that it was me in those outfits and also wishing that it was me that was the girlfriend and not her.

    It took me until about 5 years ago to finally put that episode behind me. I was at a big Christian gathering and I remember going up to be prayed for by someone. I explained without going into too much detail what I wanted prayer for. It was at that point that I was finally able to put it all behind me, forgive myself (because I really did think I was in the wrong in some way) and then move on.