"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Monday, 14 November 2011

If you could take a pill…

Part of my very successful façade was my 'handy-man' image. The only sort of work around the house that got farmed out was electrical, of the sort that could kill you if it was done incorrectly. I have replaced lights, and toilets, sinks, taps and I have made furniture and cabinets. The landscaping around our homes and all of the planting and patios and decks were all my idea, and most of the work was done by these (now well-manicured) hands. I just finished unclogging a sluggish drain by taking it apart and cleaning it out. Some would see this as a man's work, but for me, it is about being involved in the creation of something useful and sometimes beautiful. It has never occurred to me that anything done couldn't or wouldn't have been done if I'd been born or made female. I likely would have worn gloves more often, that much is certain.

Sweetie and I both love to eat good food, and most of the time that means buying the best ingredients our budget allows, then finding a recipe to make as fine a meal as we can. It's fun, and doesn't take as much time as Madison Avenue would have you believe. Most of our meals take a half hour or less to prepare, from start to finish. Of course, we clean up together; a good opportunity to give and get hugs. :)

As you can tell, self-sufficiency is part of who I am, deep inside, but more than that, personal responsibility is part of who I am too. Getting help for my gender issues has taken me a long time. It required shifting thinking to accept that asking for help was in fact taking charge. If the only way to get a project done is to hire some help, you can bet I will be taking the project over as soon as possible, and watching over the "hired help's" shoulder too, to see how "it" was done. If something about this project doesn't work out, I won't be blaming my therapist, even if I may give her a lot of credit when (optimistically) it does, no matter what that means.

Before arriving hereabouts, I traveled around the outskirts of Blogistan where many of the gender-variant look for instant solutions to their issues. In many of these sites, you can read about how, somehow, one would be transformed into a woman, usually a beautiful one. Sometimes the transformation would be magical. In many of the scenarios, someone else decides they are going to become women against their will. Often these 'forced femme fantasies' are written as a punishment scene; the man has been abusive, or insensitive in some way and needs to be 'taught a lesson'. Of course, deep down, he really wanted to become a she, and so the uniting theme turns out to be "instant gratification" and "lack of personal responsibility".

For some time I read fictions about transition. Luckily, the sites that provide these are well organized. You can filter out the sort you don't find interesting and zoom in those you do. Eventually I just zoomed myself out, because no matter how many different ones I started to read, I couldn't see myself as a character in any of those stories.

These days, I am enjoying reading fiction about powerful women. This is probably because I enjoy the company of powerful women too. Likely it is because inside that is how I see myself. If something is going to happen to me, I want it to be my idea, and it should be something that will ultimately make me feel good about myself, right or wrong by someone else's standards.

I suspect men who read and enjoy stories of being forced or tricked into becoming women have something about their history or their character that draws them to that sort of scenario. I do not understand that sort of thinking. I would not 'take the pill', because solving my problems is my job. I created the situation by my choices. If I don't like the choices I have made, maybe that will teach me something about myself, or about others. Perhaps by making a new choice I might be making yet another mistake. If so, it is my mistake, and there is power in making your own way in this world. Giving up your freedom to make decisions and choices is defeat in my world; not something I will take lightly, the same as blaming others.

Being victimized, forced to do something is an evil in my world. Nobody has the right to do that to another. So, making it into a 'literary device' for 'solving your problems' obviously does not work for me.

Role play is just that, and when we play games it should be fun. Nothing done in play should make permanent changes in our lives, even if it might change our minds about some things.

I often wonder if some seekers from that other world stumble by this blog and are puzzled by what they see here; or what they don't see here.

No magic or instant solutions. 

Lots of personal choice and responsibility. 

The Halle way.


  1. Clearly for an age we were on parallel paths, so many of us seem to be multi talented and I have managed to keep my nails since I was about ten!

    Before I understood how to navigate the net ways I would find odd stories and wonder what on earth was going on... There must be something in the air today, this is the second blog in a row to mention the eroticisation of the transsexual condition and have found themselves confused, pushed back into their shell...

  2. Well said, hon. Role play and fantasy are just that - fantasy - but they do have their place. For many of us, they open the door to deeper, more serious discussions. For some of us, they also remain a safe, private outlet for recharging our mental batteries.

    Like yourself, I tend to seek out stories featuring powerful female protagonists, but I find that's a kind of fantasy too. The difference is that the focus there shifts from the unrealstic to the plausible, from the magically-transformed to the self-made. It's an altogether healthier fantasy, and one towards which we can honestly strive . . . no magic pills, spells, or fetishistic dominatrixes required.

  3. Caroline, if only my hands could have been spared the role of mirror of the soul; chewed up and a terrible mess for most of my life. I look down at them now and see the start of my transformation.

    Sally, your comment has reminded me that there are two television shows that I enjoy, Castle and Bones. In each case, the men are the candy and the women (while not unattractive) are bright and resourceful (for the most part).

  4. Of course in so many ways a fantasy of being forced into femminization is an abdication of everything that makes the struggle worthwhile. It is in fact the exact opposite of being yourself. It is also a tribute to fear and the desire for humiliation for the fantasy of being a woman.

    Mt female role models were women like my grandmother who was all woman, and was a leader by example and few words. I have found biographies of women a great resource and source of contemplation.

    Skills, with your hands are often the only way that permit us to fit in. I farmed and managed large farms for many years before becoming a lawyer. Yet my hands are still small, narrow and my nails are intact.

  5. Kathryn, you have pointed out something I overlooked.
    "It is also a tribute to fear and the desire for humiliation for the fantasy of being a woman."

    Being a male in our society means 'not being female' to so many. It makes sense that one might sub-consciously punish themselves for their femininity.