Never enough

I will never get this post right, so it might as well be done wrong. Better wrong than not at all.

Another friend is gone. Another long illness has taken its toll.

I wonder what might have been, in a kinder more caring world.

Left to wonder what turn I can make so that in some better alternate future, we do not see the mourning of such a gentle, insightful person for no good reason.

Her illness might have been guilt, or shame, or self-loathing, but it is, was an illness, and what brings it on and what could send it packing is us. Being female or male or trans, none of these are an illness. Not accepting ourselves and more importantly, feeling we cannot ever be accepted as who we are is not just sad reality in our world, it is a fatal illness for too many.

I know why her death is something to take personally. This is not the first time it has occurred to me to give up the safety of stealth to speak out publicly. Too many young people are alone in their pain. It cycles round and round and eats them up. Coming out might save one life. Does loss of privacy and perhaps a few friends by my spouse and I matter enough to negate that need?

My friend was anonymous when she posted her comments and she will stay anonymous here as well. I cherish those comments and the email conversations we shared. I give thanks to the goddess for allowing me to know her a at all, but the pain is coming from so many directions right now and mostly for the thought of a loving spouse who is without her best friend and lover today. Nothing I do now or in the next months and years can bring her back. Nothing will fill the hole she has left in all those she chose to touch.