Too late now, but maybe I shouldn't have done it. This one concession to my desires has brought me to a feeling that seems to be summing up all the feelings of sadness that have been building for so long. For over a year I have been using an epilator to remove all the hair from my chest and tummy. I do it for me; smooth and soft
for me.
Process ended a half hour ago now, hand moving over the once more delightfully smooth surface, it stopped on my lower belly, pressed down and for the first time I experienced what has been repeating since, over and over, demanding to be said here in all its
sadness grief.
Empty ~ Never to be filled ~
I locked down my emotions and tears at age four when I first realised that I could give away my true self. That cold heart saved me for decades in limbo.
ReplyDeleteThese last few years for me have been a roller coaster ride of emotions, for what now is, and for what could or should have been...
I thought the locks had come off before now and the roller coaster ride might be mostly done and now, thanks to the flood this morning, I know differently. Not just regret, but mindless blind desire.
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