"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Saturday 3 August 2013

Use As Directed?

OK, so this looks like an advert for a product, and since the product is working for me I suppose to some extent it is advertising, but I assure you, Halle has not gone over to the dark side by trying to make money from her blog.

When sandal weather arrives, I start wearing mine all the time, well, unless the occasion doesn't permit them, such as grass cutting when the 'pig boots' get used.

I have always had problems with dry skin and my hands and feet in particular get so dry that my heels actually develop wide cracks. Dirt gets into those cracks and, well, you can imagine how unattractive and painful that becomes.

This product combined with an exfoliant scrub has helped, and as you can see, it is clearly a product for women, so I have no trouble at all using it on my hands and feet both, just as I have no trouble buying and wearing women's socks when I cannot wear sandals. They are more comfortable than men's, made of softer material. Having rather small feet for a man, but moderately large for a woman (I take size ten, just into the 'normally available' range; eat your hearts out girls) the socks that say size 6-10 fit me perfectly with no bulge up the ankle. I feel sorry for women who are size 6 just as I used to feel sorry for myself with men's socks that are size 8-12.

As my body continues to evolve with the t-blocker in my system, my body shape is changing too. When the time comes that women's tops and slacks are better suited to my body, I will likely wear them too.

Anyway, the point of this rambling is that doing as I am told has never been something I have done easily. I do not accept authority well, choosing instead to do as I feel is right for me, while keeping an open mind and being careful to not "scare the natives". I have been carrying a bag for the last two years. It is a black cloth bag; very unobtrusive, but it keeps the line of my slacks from bulging, something I have always disliked, and putting a comb, your wallet and keys in your pocket just gets uncomfortable after a while anyway. Do I get comments? Yes, but very few that are abusive, and those from the sort of men who I tend to avoid and care little about. I consider the source.

In my last post, Aadi's declaration "Invisible people don't exist" hurt me. It might seem strange but that dialogue really came from a different source within, or without, I don't know, but it was recorded as it arrived in my mind. My heart practically broke to transcribe then read and re-read it, but I hit publish in a moment of weakness. I fussed over the post for a week before doing so, but the dialogue with Aadi was never edited, as much as it hurt.

It hurts because I am invisible. I know it and hate it. But dammit, I exist. I not only exist, I am in charge here, even if I choose to use what I have in a different way than all the wisdom around me and my heart often might dictate.

There is a good reason my hands are soft and these nails are very tidy. The same reason means I wear gloves when I do projects.
The same good reason applies to those feet that are currently quite soft and not all cracked (thank you Dr. Scholls™) with nails trimmed.
If I never decide that today is the day I must begin the rest of my life presenting as a woman, I will still always be ready for that day. I take the warnings of what it means to be trans seriously.

Lots of males get hair transplants. That is something I am seriously considering, for I hate wearing my wig even more than I hate looking at the receding hairline and bald spot.

I currently shave and epilate large areas of my skin surface. Lots of males have hair removed from their bodies permanently. Now, if I decide to have facial hair removed permanently, that will be likely be the day referred to above and probably the day this blog comes to a screeching halt, or changes radically.

I love life as mystery.

Following someone else's rules is not something I love. I will do everything as I see fit and take full responsibility for the results.

J'ecris, donc j'existe!


  1. Halle; I cannot even begin to imagine what your life must be, and has been, like. I know only two things:-

    First, that I trust your decision-making process and would never seek to criticise you. That is not because I'm some kind of saint, but because it simply isn't my place to criticise others who are in positions I am not, nor ever have been.

    Second, you most certainly do exist, and are someone I look out for. Don't try to go away, ever.

    1. Tom, I cannot know what life path has brought you to such an enlightened place, but I take great joy to know one does not have to be trans to be accepting of those whose lives differ from yours.
      Your last paragraph has especially touched my heart. Thank you so very much.

  2. Je lis, donc j'existe!
    I knew that Tom would some day unknowingly comment on my behalf, and he did.