In an email this week a friend wondered if my shift from specific to philosophical here is intentional. In a way, this blog has always been one of introspection, and fairly thin on personal details, but she is right. So today, for you L, some specifics, and a good dose of philosophy too.
About four weeks ago, I went to bed asking for insight into my deepest desires and who I am, and had a vivid dream. Last night, it happened again, vivid and memorable, but this time, a nightmare. In both of these I had either transitioned, or at the very least I was presenting as female.
The first was about feeling powerful. Dressed for some sort of sci-fi convention in an outfit that can only be described as 1890's show girl, I was walking down a hallway. I know, it is not what you expect here and it wasn't what I ever imagined for myself, but in that dream, I looked in the mirror and didn't feel sexy, so much as powerful. I woke up wanting to be her, not to dress like that all the time, but to know that she was part of who I am.
It felt like a push toward womanhood.
Last night's nightmare was about unsolicited male attention (details withheld for the sake of the squeamish.. me that is). I woke up knowing that as a woman, there was little I could do to prevent him doing whatever he wanted to do, even if I tried to fight him off.
Below the fold is the original content of this post, with the questions my heart was holding only days ago, before that nightmare.
What I understand about myself today is I have been avoiding balance. Like someone who tries to lose a little weight by going on a starvation diet. It cannot work, for inevitably who you are, your deepest reality must be acknowledged. The only questions have to do with the nature of a balance that will work for me. I am so a work in progress...
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Messages insistent, approaching relentless
Is this a craving, or so much more?
Part of a plan,
an obstacle that I must (refuse to) overcome?
Who I am inside
only subtly influences what is seen and heard.
About four weeks ago, I went to bed asking for insight into my deepest desires and who I am, and had a vivid dream. Last night, it happened again, vivid and memorable, but this time, a nightmare. In both of these I had either transitioned, or at the very least I was presenting as female.
The first was about feeling powerful. Dressed for some sort of sci-fi convention in an outfit that can only be described as 1890's show girl, I was walking down a hallway. I know, it is not what you expect here and it wasn't what I ever imagined for myself, but in that dream, I looked in the mirror and didn't feel sexy, so much as powerful. I woke up wanting to be her, not to dress like that all the time, but to know that she was part of who I am.
It felt like a push toward womanhood.
Last night's nightmare was about unsolicited male attention (details withheld for the sake of the squeamish.. me that is). I woke up knowing that as a woman, there was little I could do to prevent him doing whatever he wanted to do, even if I tried to fight him off.
Below the fold is the original content of this post, with the questions my heart was holding only days ago, before that nightmare.
What I understand about myself today is I have been avoiding balance. Like someone who tries to lose a little weight by going on a starvation diet. It cannot work, for inevitably who you are, your deepest reality must be acknowledged. The only questions have to do with the nature of a balance that will work for me. I am so a work in progress...
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Messages insistent, approaching relentless
What she doesn't know won't hurt her
~
Is it wrong to have fun as yourself?
~
Take yourself out for a test-drive girl!
Part of a plan,
an obstacle that I must (refuse to) overcome?
Who I am inside
only subtly influences what is seen and heard.
Slowly, gently, my self image says androgyny ~
one who cannot be female
one who shuns something hated
I am a 'tweener whose heroes bridged the gender divide
saying 'I am who I am'
feeling no fear...
feeling no fear...
without fear....
fearless!!
Even through the darkest phase
Be it thick or thin
Always someone marches brave
Here beneath my skin
And constant craving has always been
constant craving has always been
has always been
constant craving has always been
has always been
Maybe a great magnet pulls
All souls to what's true
Or maybe it is life itself
feeds wisdom to its youth
I'm sorry about your nightmare, hon. They can be terrifying.
ReplyDeleteYou are asking all the right questions, it seems to me. And this is *so, so* true: "...inevitably who you are, your deepest reality, must be acknowledged."
Keep asking those questions, sweetie. And you know you have an ear you can bend right here. :c)
Hugs & love,
Cass
Sadly, these questions turn out to be signs of something old returning. I really appreciate knowing you and others are there and understand what is going on Cass.
ReplyDeleteHugs and love to you too.