"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Tuesday, 1 April 2014

Too Much

I need to talk this out somewhere. 
For so long now the anti-androgens have taken away this aspect, this complication. So well that I have been able to lead a mostly normal life, devoting my attention almost fully to those around me and the passions we share. It has allowed me to explore an inner landscape that seemed powerful and eternal. It is as if a storm surge has come in and unexpectedly wiped all of that away.

No amount of logic can, or ever did help, but so far meditation and prayer seem powerless as well. Did I mention somewhere that when life sends the same challenges over and over, it means something? 

It seems that my newfound faith in a higher purpose is being tested. 

The dreams were about the extremes of a life I have worked hard, given up much, to avoid living. It was an easy choice to seek a way, in fact do anything necessary to avoid that life. That path would be difficult, painful in every possible way for me and those I love. The path of transition is hardly easy, or assured to be eventually happy. If you know someone who has transitioned, you should know that they are not brave; they were desperate.

Ironically, emotions pulled from me by dreams have wakened some part of me I wished would have stayed asleep; oh how I wish that right now. 


  1. Thinking of you, hon...


    1. You and I shall talk young lady as I emerge out the other side of this, and some version of me will definitely emerge. Promise.
      Big Hugs

  2. When I read your previous post I found that I was unable to comment. Sometimes things stare one in the face, but not having gone through the same experience can act, and quite properly in my opinion, as a bar to making comment. It can all too easily come across as preaching, and walking in areas which should not feel the weight of another's foot. But what of your current post?

    First of all, that which we repress will eventually - and often explosively - surface in our consciousness. The only answer is that we need to face ourselves, and do so honestly, in all departments of our being. It seems to me that, from what you have said in the past, you have been doing precisely that and doing it bravely. Secondly, and here I find I must disagree with you, no matter how desperate you may be, to take right action is a life choice and that requires bravery. Don't sell yourself short! Don't discard courage as mere desperation. And yes, you will "emerge out the other side." Okay? Sermon over!

  3. Dear Tom,
    You make a very good point about the bravery of those who choose life over non-life. There is the cowards' way, and I shall not take that path. All that is certain is the correct path must be one that honours my whole person.

  4. Those dreams were from your lives of futures past.

    Learn from them.

    An old friend.

    1. Lives of futures past... you do know how to get my interest old friend. Send me an email, ok? :)
      And you already know that I learn from everything and everyone who send messages in love.

  5. The past is indeed the past, existing only as an ever fading memory. The future is as yet unformed, yet available to us as the sum total of "Life" as existence and how we interact with that reality.

    We do have some small influence over our futures which is why we must always act out of love and with true and sincere deliberation. Life and Love is precious, not to be wasted.

    1. There is no question we have an influence on that future by the choices we make every moment. The interesting aspect of living in love is somehow fully accepting the path even if it is not the one you expected or dreamed.
      Thank you for the nice email.