"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Friday, 9 May 2014


timeless was barely posted when a lesson came crashing through the forest like Bigfoot to land on top of me and declare "It's time to remember who you are and why this living in the moment thing won't work!"

Today, a few days later, I'm sitting at the base of my tree again, alone this time, better for that lesson. Bigfoot seems to have gone back into the forest.

As with many of you, things have been rocky with my birth family. We don't get along. Some lose their family when they come out. I never got close to playing the T-card. The challenges started barely three years after I was born, just up there (pointing to my tree at a spot not far above my head), and finally settled down about four years ago. That was when it occurred to me that if I didn't phone them, they would never call me and maybe I should stop banging my head on a wall. 

The lesson began early Tuesday morning. A good friend emailed to ask if the person with my last name in the obituaries in a Toronto paper is my uncle.

She was right. My father's brother, a man who had been a lot of fun at times is gone. I liked my uncle.

Nobody in my family cared to call and let me know. For them, I don't exist.

Waves of anger and guilt and self-blame crashed in and the first few almost washed me out. Waves  ~ nasty, ugly and dangerous. I clung and soon, sooner than I can believe, my first lesson from Aadi brought me to higher ground.

Live in the moment. 

and this one too

Forgive yourself as you forgive others

... not simply words to be recited.

They reminded me to acknowledge feelings and thoughts about the past, and let them wash over, then come back to the present. 

Nothing can alter what has been done, all those close to infinite choices that have made me and everyone else in my little corner of space-time. I realized that for the family who couldn't bring themselves to remember me, there is nothing to forgive. They don't really know me at all. 

I forgave myself for stupid things I said and times I was negligent too. I try to do so every day so that living in the moment and being the best person now is possible.

I thought of my Dad and wrote him a short note telling him how sorry I am to hear of his brother dying. I know how much he will miss him. When you love someone, it isn't about expecting them to love you back. 

My friend thought a note might reach my dad on a good day and open lines of communication... 

What do I think?

Choices will be made.
There may be chances for forgiveness.

Time to bring myself back to the present. What a beautiful day it is here in Central Ontario, Canada, planet Earth. 


  1. I liked this post very much, Halle.

    It's a hard thing to admit, that certain persons have eliminated you from their life, and won't be getting in touch again, ever. You may indeed love them, despite obvious discouragement. But a one-sided relationship hurts and drains, and sooner or later has to stop.

    They can't deny the family tie, nor rub you off the family tree, and one day one of them, or one of their children, will break ranks and seek you out. Till then it's better to husband your emotional capital and save it for the future. I'm glad you were able to enjoy that sunny day. Perhaps a weekend trip into the wilderness, or to some lake, would help. The sort of thing I'd do. Nature is a wonderful tonic.


    1. What a lovely thought that someday one of the family might wonder and risk.
      Nature is so close by wherever you are here! The water is almost warm enough for one to survive a dunking. A day paddling and exploring sounds like tonic indeed!
      Thanks Lucy!

  2. What a lovely post Halle and how true. Despite our families being as they are and in some cases totally blanking us we must be prepared to forgive them. If we don't how can we be forgiven? Bitterness eats at the heart and destroys the soul. We have to rise above such things.
    BTW that tree sounds like a lovely place to sit beneath and ponder things

    Shirley Anne x

    1. Bitterness eats at the heart and destroys the soul.
      Oh how very sad and true! Finding forgiveness for ourselves has to be the start. The rest seems easier somehow.
      Thanks Shirley Anne


    2. Forgive yourself ~ forgive others. ~ be forgiven.

  3. Dear Halle, Forgiving ourselves is the start. My daily mantra -Everything changes, nothing lasts forever and life goes on - has helped me understand myself and others. And we echo Lucy's idea that Nature is a tonic. Spring is finally here in Ontario...a fresh start.

    1. Isn't it amazing how it really does feel like a fresh start!
      Thanks Peg.

  4. Apologies, Halle; Blogger has done away with the first five attempts to publish my comment - and keep it published.

    Here is a powerful song that I thought of immediately after reading this post. It was written by one of my very favorite songwriters, Patty Griffin. Hope you like it:


    == Cass

    1. Beautiful Cass, thank you.

      Hard to give, and its hard to get..

      Absolutely Hon.