Forgiveness

timeless was barely posted when a lesson came crashing through the forest like Bigfoot to land on top of me and declare "It's time to remember who you are and why this living in the moment thing won't work!"

Today, a few days later, I'm sitting at the base of my tree again, alone this time, better for that lesson. Bigfoot seems to have gone back into the forest.

As with many of you, things have been rocky with my birth family. We don't get along. Some lose their family when they come out. I never got close to playing the T-card. The challenges started barely three years after I was born, just up there (pointing to my tree at a spot not far above my head), and finally settled down about four years ago. That was when it occurred to me that if I didn't phone them, they would never call me and maybe I should stop banging my head on a wall. 

The lesson began early Tuesday morning. A good friend emailed to ask if the person with my last name in the obituaries in a Toronto paper is my uncle.

She was right. My father's brother, a man who had been a lot of fun at times is gone. I liked my uncle.

Nobody in my family cared to call and let me know. For them, I don't exist.

Waves of anger and guilt and self-blame crashed in and the first few almost washed me out. Waves  ~ nasty, ugly and dangerous. I clung and soon, sooner than I can believe, my first lesson from Aadi brought me to higher ground.

Live in the moment. 

and this one too

Forgive yourself as you forgive others

... not simply words to be recited.

They reminded me to acknowledge feelings and thoughts about the past, and let them wash over, then come back to the present. 

Nothing can alter what has been done, all those close to infinite choices that have made me and everyone else in my little corner of space-time. I realized that for the family who couldn't bring themselves to remember me, there is nothing to forgive. They don't really know me at all. 

I forgave myself for stupid things I said and times I was negligent too. I try to do so every day so that living in the moment and being the best person now is possible.

I thought of my Dad and wrote him a short note telling him how sorry I am to hear of his brother dying. I know how much he will miss him. When you love someone, it isn't about expecting them to love you back. 

My friend thought a note might reach my dad on a good day and open lines of communication... 

What do I think?

Choices will be made.
There may be chances for forgiveness.

Time to bring myself back to the present. What a beautiful day it is here in Central Ontario, Canada, planet Earth.