"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Sunday, 27 September 2015

The Drive to Be, Simply Be

I have had a Facethingy account used only to find out what our offspring and friends are doing. It is of course in my birth name. I've always been certain that danger lurks in even this tenuous connection to Big Brother. 
Recently, someone who knew me well before the great denial of my late teens has found me because in a weak moment, the name of the high school attended got filled in.

This person knew me well, certainly better than most, because she thought of herself as my girlfriend, that is, she thought I was her boyfriend. I of course, (and would never have admitted this) thought of her as my girlfriend too, but I was also her girlfriend. The actual mechanics of that thinking disturbed me so much then. It shamed me. I wanted so much to be a real man for that wonderful young woman. I wanted to find a way for us to be together always. The conflict in me made me drive her away with some very simple words that altered both our life-paths: "I don't think we should be a pair anymore K... "

I saw K after that, and when she moved with her family we exchanged letters as pen-pals, but we could never again have the same hopes for our relationship. Eventually she met her future husband and we lost track of one another.

K and I are both rather old-fashioned and are now exchanging emails in just the same way we once did letters via the postal system. We have made a fairly good start at catching up.

It is now time to decide just how much to share, and in my case whether to become a real person, not just a reflection of a somewhat phoney person from the past. Is it time to let her know exactly who she might have had a longer relationship with in a different world, and more importantly, who she might get to know even better now?

Can I live with the risks of being true to myself even though the remnants of a life projecting a façade are still all around? If I don't, what other risks will I be unable to face?


  1. Hi Halle,
    If I were you (which I'm not, so please feel free to ignore this), I would be very cautious about opening up and risk rocking a newly re-discovered friendship. But I don't know your circumstances or how accepting you believe or know your friend to be.
    For the same reason, I haven't revealed Susie to anyone who knows me otherwise, even to friends I've known for a long time where we have several LGBT friends and acquaintances in common, and who I know would accept and not judge.
    Is that cowardice on my part that I don't trust myself to trust my fiends?
    Whatever you decide, I wish you joy and luck with your new re-found friendship.

    1. Hi Susie!
      First of all, my perspective is a bit different because I did reveal myself to most family and a few very close friends. Having seen and felt the reaction to that, it may be that you have a very good idea there.
      As you suggest, this is my decision and I get to accept the consequences.
      Having said that, this post is an invitation to my online family to have their say, and think upon this.
      I do not see cowardice as part of your choice to keep this to yourself for now. You will chose your time, or not, because that choice suits your situation.
      Thank you for those lovely wishes.

  2. Well my Facebook account is as Jenna, his account still existed when I last looked, thanks Facebook :-)

    Last year I came across an old school friend via a mutual "Friend". I contacted S and we chatted briefly. She didn't remember me so I asked if she remembered the name I went by at school. She did and asked if that was my brother or twin. When I explained she was fine with it and we've chatted a couple of times since and hopefully one day will get to meet up.

    I also came across one of my distant cousins who was a close school friend, I've also found someone I shared a flat with for two years. In both cases it would be so easy to say hello but I find myself reluctant to take that step as it would mean outing myself to people that, certainly in the latter case, may never see again.

    1. Outing yourself to someone who you are unlikely to see doesn't seem to make sense. It really is a big factor.

  3. what resonates so much for me here is the idea of the what if. What if we had no dysphoria and were able to have normal and meaningful relationships with women with no confusion in our heads. I know its not fair for those who want to be with us. I am now on my own for the first time in 6 years and I think I will stay that way because I don't know where this thing in me is going any more. Very good post Halle...

    1. Thanks Joanna. I expect there are few of our kind who do not carry around these sort of regrets.
      Certainly, I've thought many times how much simpler life would be as a hermit, or at least, if I could start over by presenting as myself in a place where I had no history. That way, I could find myself unencumbered by ghosts or expectations from my past.

  4. It has taken a great deal of courage to follow the path you have chosen, and as a result, and in many ways, you have entered into a new life. It does not seem to me that it is absolutely necessary to bring a past world of relationships into this new world, if it is not appropriate or safe to do so.

    You have by your own shared accounts of your journey, run into painful, reactionary responses. It is not for me to advise you, but in your position I would ask the questions, "Do I really need this?", "Does this aid or hinder my journey?", "Am I aligning myself with spiritual winners or losers?" This is part of the loneliness of any spiritual path, that in the end only you can answer these (and other) questions.

    The one thing I am sure of is that you have both the courage and the strength to make the right decisions.

    1. Am I aligning myself with spiritual winners or losers?
      This is such a very good question Tom. I suppose there is a component of the spiritual path that could be called loneliness, but it is likely necessary.

  5. Thinking of you today, dear Halle. Hope you are well.

    1. Such serendipity, for I was just noticing it has been four months since your own most recent post and I've wondered his you are too dear Ellena.
      I am feeling better and better thank you.