"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Wednesday 30 March 2016

What is so special?

It has puzzled me that the urge to write here has waned. Of course, the transcription process over at On the Other Hand is taking time, which partially explains it.

My blogging process has usually involved writing what felt right on the day, taking inspiration from within seriously, and whenever possible making these letters to a younger self relevant to the issues of the transsexual doing his/her best to get along with life. In that spirit, today it feels right to put down some thoughts on the subject of finally ending the façade forever.

Years ago, a woman who used to visit this site frequently commented there is nothing special about being a woman.

The reply then should have been, and most forcefully now, is (chosen carefully from my grandmother's colourful collection of euphemisms) BALONEY! 

Her comment offended me. In my heart she might as well have said there is nothing special about being aligned with your soul.

Sure, there's nothing special about seeming to be a woman; any good actor can manage it with the right makeup artists and coaching. Being a woman is quite different and she was so wrong, because now in my seventh week since giving up any pretence of maleness, being the woman I am is special to me beyond belief.

My answer to her statement at that time was to say that I felt I was a woman, which she scoffed at. Perhaps the real issue was the whole nonsense of thinking my heart's desire was something that needed to be justified; that convincing her or anyone else was important.

These days a common response of folks to whom I am explaining what is going on here is to say how brave I am to be doing this. To some, I tell them doing this is an act of desperation. I came to the point where losing everything else was preferable to continuing the lie.

It seems to me that those I meet are accepting me for who I am because they can tell this is the most natural thing I've ever done. Finally I am comfortable in who I am. Projecting confidence and joy to those around me is easier than ever. This past weekend I found myself slightly overdressed in a large crowd. People were checking me out and I remembered how it would have felt only months before, and then almost as quickly thought I'm a woman who is standing out in this crowd because I am tall, have a good body, and am dressed nicely. Get used to it!

Here is a piece of very simple music that is very dear to me right now. It brings tears to my eyes.

How Could Anyone?

How could anyone ever tell you
You were anything less than beautiful?
How could anyone ever tell you
You were less than whole?
How could anyone fail to notice
That your loving is a miracle?
How deeply you're connected to my soul?

from If You See a Dream
Words and music by Libby Roderick
c Libby Roderick Music 1988
BMI All Rights reserved.


  1. How? How? How? Maybe because they are not connected to their soul.

    1. This is the very best of all the lessons of the past years of struggle. Stay connected.

  2. Nicely said my dear, you own it and that is very impressive.
    I wish you many happy years ahead.

    1. Thank you dear Alice; it means so much to me when you say that.

  3. I genuinely appreciate folks commending me for my courage in transitioning, but I always reply that courage has nothing to do with it. I had simply reached a point where I had no choice but to transition. The pain of living a lie outweighed the pain and risk of transitioning.

    As challenging and painful as my transition has been, my worst day as myself is infinitely better than my very best day trying to be "him" ever was. I think you can relate. :c)

    Thank for your usual thoughtful, heartfelt post, hon. Can't wait to see you in two weeks!!! :D


    1. Thanks Hon! Well said. See you soon.
      Hugs, Dea

  4. Ja, those are wonderful lyrics. Prost to you!