Ready for My Life ~ All of It

Just when I think there is not likely to be another post worth writing, something happens to change it. Often, I read something someone else has written and it gets the creative juices flowing. I like that feeling.

My friend Joanna writes Musings From My Everyday Life. Her posts don't stay up very long and you have to be quick, or lucky sometimes to read each of them; she is a very good blogger! Yesterday's post is a good example. Entitled "headed in the right direction", it is about the search for companionship. As she points out, I am one of the lucky few transsexuals who have blogged about keeping or finding love either during or after transition. The interesting thing is that I was certain I would live alone, and was fine with that. Somehow, it seems, life wasn't going to let that happen.

It occurs to me that there are other sorts of transition other than my own. Some finally come out as homosexual. Some decide, for whatever reason, that they have to leave the work they have done to pursue another path. There are many reasons to be fearful of loss of family or friends.

No matter what the crisis of conscience might happen to be, the ability to leap off that cliff finally into an unknown future can freeze us into inaction, and that inaction will likely drive a person quite crazy when they are certain that they know what is right for them. Whatever it means for each of us, we need to take the risk of being comfortable in our own skin. 

I can recall very clearly what cleared away the hesitation for me. It was a certainty that no matter what else happened, I was better off losing everything. Nothing (not money, family, or people in my life) was worth self-destruction.

So many folk think that living a long life is very desirable. I am likely to be one of those "lucky ones" given medical advancements, and the great age my parents and grandparents have achieved. What I noticed is that as they get or got older, they found themselves alone; friends and family dead, children and grandchildren living their own lives. If they were not happy in their own skin and able to accept that solitary life, they would not have lasted very long.

I hated the idea that my last thought would be one of regret.

There is more. The lucky part. 

I don't know about you, but it annoys me when I hear people talk about how God has blessed them, as though they did something special to deserve favour. Yes, K and I are so very happy together, and that is a miracle. 

How did that amazing reconnection come to pass? Actually, it is in the blog from three years back. In that post, The Drive to Be, Simply Be. There I wrote: "Can I live with the risks of being true to myself even though the remnants of a life projecting a façade are still all around? If I don't, what other risks will I be unable to face?"

Real connection requires risk. When we take the leap, if we are very lucky, there is someone there who will leap with us. 

My Life
Billy Joel

Got a call from an old friend we used to be real close
Said he couldn't go on the American way
Closed the shop, sold the house, bought a ticket to the west coast
Now he gives them a stand-up routine in L.A.

I don't need you to worry for me 'cause I'm alright
I don't want you to tell me it's time to come home
I don't care what you say anymore this is my life
Go ahead with your own life leave me alone

I never said you had to offer me a second chance
I never said I was a victim of circumstance
I still belong
Don't get me wrong
And you can speak your mind
But not on my time

They will tell you you can't sleep alone in a strange place
Then they'll tell you can't sleep with somebody else
Ah but sooner or later you sleep in your own space
Either way it's O.K. you wake up with yourself




Your Wildest Dreams
The Moody Blues

Once upon a time
Once when you were mine
I remember skies
Reflected in your eyes
I wonder where you are
I wonder if you think about me
Once upon a time
In your wildest dreams

Once the world was new
Our bodies felt the morning dew
That greets the brand new day
We couldn't tear ourselves away
I wonder if you care
I wonder if you still remember
Once upon a time
In your wildest dreams

And when the music plays
And when the words are touched with sorrow
When the music plays
I hear the sound I had to follow
Once upon a time

Once beneath the stars
The universe was ours
Love was all we knew
And all I knew was you
I wonder if you know
I wonder if you think about it
Once upon a time
In your wildest dreams