I need to talk this out somewhere.
For so long now the anti-androgens have taken away this aspect, this complication. So well that I have been able to lead a mostly normal life, devoting my attention almost fully to those around me and the passions we share. It has allowed me to explore an inner landscape that seemed powerful and eternal. It is as if a storm surge has come in and unexpectedly wiped all of that away.
No amount of logic can, or ever did help, but so far meditation and prayer seem powerless as well. Did I mention somewhere that when life sends the same challenges over and over, it means something?
It seems that my newfound faith in a higher purpose is being tested.
The dreams were about the extremes of a life I have worked hard, given up much, to avoid living. It was an easy choice to seek a way, in fact do anything necessary to avoid that life. That path would be difficult, painful in every possible way for me and those I love. The path of transition is hardly easy, or assured to be eventually happy. If you know someone who has transitioned, you should know that they are not brave; they were desperate.
Ironically, emotions pulled from me by dreams have wakened some part of me I wished would have stayed asleep; oh how I wish that right now.