I can see her and feel her. She is with me always, observing and, yes, waiting. The trouble is, she knows me better than I know myself and knows all of the signs that it might be time to leave; again.
So many songs to choose from. ‘Should I Stay or Should I Go’ certainly comes to mind for me; “If I go there will be trouble, If I stay it will be double.”, yup, that works…
Instead, let's go with my old companion Paul (rhymin’) Simon with one from days before sweetie and I had children (we call it b.c. around here) “Slip-Sliding Away’…. For those who have never heard this one, please take five out of your busy schedule.
Doors open and close constantly. I will remember that, of course, and I am not going anywhere. My inner lady has been very patient and will likely continue to be, although gaining weight is sign that my motivation is slipping. If that motivation slides away, it is hard to say what else will go along for the ride. Reality has a really nasty way of intruding in a life lived vicariously. As much as these virtual exchanges have stimulated me, the idea of spending five or six hours on the road to have coffee with my sisters (I really appreciate the offers, I do!), or even a meal and a meeting seems to be unlikely. I would do it once or twice, but sooner or later I fear an 'all or nothing at all' decision would present itself. In the meantime, such behavior will do nothing to further the goodwill at home; quite the contrary.
This ramble will end now. Thank you for your virtual ears, as always.
At times like this, I think of James Douglas Morrison (1943-1971) from The Doors' song, "Roadhouse Blues": KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD AND YOUR HANDS UPON THE WHEEL...ReplyDelete
THE FUTURE IS UNCERTAIN AND THE END IS ALWAYS NEAR.
I empathize with you completely. These moments do past, usually. From reading your words, you seem to be making it to the "past" part and you will be able to maintain the facade for now. The Lady Hallie will confidently and elegantly wait. She doesn't have to go anywhere, because she is already home. : )
If you need to be... Stay strong, Sister.
As you know, I too live in an outlying area. Meetings are a two hour round trip for me. After driving 28,000 miles a year, commuting back and forth to work before I retired, I just don't like to drive anymore. I usually make the monthly support group meeting and pot luck supper, but when the Tuesday and Saturday evening get togethers at the lesbian bar roll around, I just can't seem to muster the enthusiasm for the drive into town and back. If I had a 5-6 hour drive, I wouldn't even bother with the monthly meetings.ReplyDelete