Life is about choice. Even when you decide not to choose, you have made that choice. Every choice changes the way things will be from then on.
To recap, here is the situation:
From all reports, related to me by my sweetie, an expert in this area, my male façade has been exemplary. Nobody could possibly have a suspicion that inside this obviously male shell lurks a rich female persona. I therefore could choose to return to my past, devote myself to very male pursuits and modes of behavior and slowly drink my self-loathing shell to death.
From all reports, beginning transition to female at my age, marital and economic situation is a tremendously painful experience, which will by the time I am finished leave me in the body I should have been born with, at an age where I should have a rich personal history as a woman, but do not. I will be a novice woman with few, if any friends, living in an old woman's body. Now I must admit that does sound like an adventure.
From all reports, trying to walk the middle of the road is confusing and painful; akin to riding a roller-coaster standing up while juggling two people inside (sorry Veronica) and making neither truly happy.
The following is, I assure you, a rhetorical question, designed only to make those of you who are totally confused by the choices that face you feel better because you can be assured you are not alone.
What in the world am I going to do now?
Perhaps the middle road might be better viewed as a privilege.
ReplyDeleteAs to your question, I would hope that you do your best to enjoy the (admittedly at times, dubious) privilege.
For me I would go mad thinking of my middle road as anything other.
Happy travels.
One thing I wonder is whether the situation is as binary as you are painting it. Why must you devote yourself to stereotypical male pursuits? (When you say "male" I assume you mean stereotypically male.) Might it be possible to be yourself, to some extent, in your male body? It wasn't possible for me, so maybe it's not possible for you either. Just wondering.
ReplyDeleteI'm not giving you an argument on feeling like two people. If that's how you feel, that's how you feel. But I do wonder if there has to be such a separation between your personalities.
As for transition at your age (you're younger than I, if I'm remembering correctly) would certainly be an adventure. All transition is. And no doubt there would be pain involved, because people would be hurt. But few if any friends? Not necessarily so.
I know the question you asked was rhetorical, but I wish there was an answer for you anyway. *Hugs*
Thanks for trying to answer that rhetorical question Roni. I will try to answer yours.
ReplyDeleteI am having little success feeling comfortable in my male persona these days. It really is something false; a façade and it rankles. There are many activities I participate in that I would still be in as a woman, but the gender binary is amazingly strong. I look like a man and talk like a man (even if what I say really is coming from another place, one that is very female, I assure you) and get treated that way. Some people would say this is good, but, believe me, men don't really want to hear it from one of their own, and women don't seem to believe it.
I am getting worn down I guess... sigh.
I'm almost sixty Veronica, you cannot possibly be anywhere near that age!
Hugs,
Halle
It sure is difficult trying to work this all out.
ReplyDeleteNo one can answer this quetion for you but you.
But one thing I can say is that now I knbow I have to transition and have started down this path, the confusion and depression has been replaced with more practicle issues of how to do it while keeping everyone on board.
I hated the years trying to work out what I should do.
x
Halle, I must admit that once I had become very aware that I was trans-whatever, it became very difficult to be even the not-very-masculine guy I was. I had seen the promised land, and I couldn't hold myself back from going to it. So I have some idea of how difficult it must be for you, and how worn down you can get. I was OK before I became truly aware. Afterward, the genie was out.
ReplyDeleteI'm 56 now. Some people call that almost 60. :)
Well, I have no answer for your question, only you can answer that. But I do have to wonder about your statement "From all reports, beginning transition to female at my age, marital and economic situation is a tremendously painful experience". I would say you need to look at some more reports.
ReplyDeleteI have a friend who just had SRS at age 70, I know several couples whose relationships appear to be flourishing post transition. All is not doom and gloom, but those stories are the squeaky wheels that we hear.
Sophie, when I suggest pain is the likely upshot, you know it isn't just the physical type I am sure. There are very positive examples available, and I do appreciate hearing from them regularly. Their continued presence here in Blogistan is really important, as you suggest.
ReplyDeleteEveryone has to assess their own circumstances. My male persona has been too good. I am not bragging here. My sweetie is a wonderful person, not one to abandon a lover at the first sign of trouble, but I believe her when she says that if I transition, she is out of my life. Not just gone from our marriage; gone. I cannot say who might be among those who would stand by Halle if she stood up and said, this is me, and the person you knew was fake.
We all know that so much of who I might become is already here. I am not two people, and maybe it is time as Veronica would suggest to declare that loud and clear. There is only one person here. The only question to really answer is "can I 'transition' to a presentation that will quiet the dysphoria, but keep the people who I love with me?"
Doom and gloom is a different thing for each of us. I fear being the crazy lady with no history and no family. I love that there are others out there who are defying that scenario.
I hope for a day when this blog will include posts documenting how well my middle of the road tactic worked.... we will see.
Hugs to all of you!
Halle, anyone who is not at the sterotypical poles of the genders has to work through their answer to this question, and I know for sure that what works for others is most right for them but not me- no prescriptions. Having said that I suppose I have chosen the middle of the road, but for me, its just the road. I'm happy and content with that choice but also struggling and challenged by it. Does that make sense. There are joys, and a price. That accommodation is a balancing act, but when I lose balance I just get back up and find it again. This sounds like a chore, but actually all the other dilemmas of daily life do a good job of causing thier own problems; accommodating an interior gender diversity is just another one of them..It's not so much a tightrope walk as a bike ride...I cannot speak for others.
ReplyDeletePS I met some people who are in their 20s who are much older than you or me honey; Yet one of the greatest people I know is in his late 70s. 10 minutes in his company is rejuvenating