Life is about choice. Even when you decide not to choose, you have made that choice. Every choice changes the way things will be from then on.
To recap, here is the situation:
From all reports, related to me by my sweetie, an expert in this area, my male façade has been exemplary. Nobody could possibly have a suspicion that inside this obviously male shell lurks a rich female persona. I therefore could choose to return to my past, devote myself to very male pursuits and modes of behavior and slowly drink my self-loathing shell to death.
From all reports, beginning transition to female at my age, marital and economic situation is a tremendously painful experience, which will by the time I am finished leave me in the body I should have been born with, at an age where I should have a rich personal history as a woman, but do not. I will be a novice woman with few, if any friends, living in an old woman's body. Now I must admit that does sound like an adventure.
From all reports, trying to walk the middle of the road is confusing and painful; akin to riding a roller-coaster standing up while juggling two people inside (sorry Veronica) and making neither truly happy.
The following is, I assure you, a rhetorical question, designed only to make those of you who are totally confused by the choices that face you feel better because you can be assured you are not alone.
What in the world am I going to do now?