"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Wednesday 30 June 2010

Not Worthy

I spent one evening this past weekend at a social club where my sweetie and I have cultivated some friends and mostly acquaintances. As much as I try to use this façade of mine to associate as a male, with males, eventually as was inevitable, I ended up sitting in on a conversation with two women. The topic was one I have personal experience to contribute; depression. Now this was not girly-chat. The two ladies in question (not me, sadly) spoke with great intensity to each other while I was quite obviously not worthy of eye contact. A couple of times, I tried to make a supportive comment and the discussion across from me moved onward, unimpaired by my apparent rudeness. When a woman who is handy with power tools sits in on a conversation about home renovations with a pair of men, she is probably treated roughly the same way.

Oh, how I longed to tell them; to let them know that not only do I understand depression, but “here’s one I’ll bet you’ve never had to deal with!” However, not only do I maintain a façade, but I really do avoid ‘one-upping’, so I would not be like that.

This is not a whine. There are lots of situations where my opinion is valued, not because I am a man, but because my life experiences (that I can share) give me a lot to contribute to a conversation; where I know how to toss in a tidbit that moves everything along, and makes it even more interesting. Oh how I love a good conversation, especially on a topic that is meaningful, or even controversial.

So what is this getting at?

It may be that the reason this episode with the two ladies won’t let go of my mind, is because it reminded me that there will be times that even though I am more female than male inside, I will just have to “suck it up” and accept that in a group of women I will ‘only’ be a man. As such, my opinion on some topics will be second class, until I join a social group where people only know my feminine side, if ever that day might come.

I value our exchanges more and more here in Blogistan.




  1. I remember a trans person telling me that he (natal sex) was treated as "one of the girls." I congratulated him, but I also said that I thought that had to be fairly uncommon. Certainly it was never true in my own experience. As someone who was pretty close to being the "gay best friend," I was more likely to be accepted among women than most guys, but until I transitioned I was never one of them.

    I'm sorry, Halle. *Hugs*

  2. So true, Halle.

    In the world of Blogistan, however (did you coin that term? I see it all over now), we do understand and we can talk, or at least write, to each other openly. And, that's a good thing.

    Calie xxx

  3. I remember a few times when I was much younger (very early 30's), when I was accepted as one of the girls, but that was when I was at either a hair or nail salon, and completely en femme. These particular salons were chosen, because they were staffed exclusively by females, and although they would take the occasional male customer, their clientele was primarily female too. There were no male customers in them when I was there. The conversations going on around me, as well as the ones I was included in, were entirely different than any I ever experienced at any salon, or elsewhere while presenting as a male. I remember having the most wonderful woman to woman conversation with the woman who was doing my nails. There was nothing at a all condescending or patronizing in her tone. It was all very natural and while it was happening, I was thinking she would never be talking to me this way, if I was presenting as a male.

    Melissa XX

  4. I can relate completely. Sometimes, the looks I get when I join in a conversation of "just women" make me wonder how if I would ever be "one of the girls" unless I look, gesture, smile, nod and voice perfectly,

    Some of the looks now, (while I am in male mode FT) are clearly "who let this alien bastard who somehow knows our code in the door? How some of the ladies involved don't get whiplash in their necks when I chime up is beyond me.

    I find though, similar to Melissa, that I have had one-on-one woman conversations with female neighbors, where I can't help but feel that they go home thinking my wife is married to a closeted gay man. Or that they will immediately go "so that is why I had a good conversation with so=and-so (me). This makes sense now!" Little to they no. ; )

    But, being on the other side of the fence like you are (facading), it is amazing the conversation expectations that women and men have for each other. And I find this to be sad.

    If I may ask for some help from you or any of your readers:

    My wife, who is supportive, and I need to make our wills. We have young children and if my wife passes first, we are both concerned that either her family or mine might try to take my kids away from me if I transition to female. Does anyone know where I get some advice (free, hopefully) or a template of a will that will include wording saying that custody of our kids would remain with me, no matter what? Even if I transition to Karin in the future?

    Thanks for any help our guidance. And for your blogs.


  5. BTW, I must say (as an American looking forward to our 4th), Happy Canada Day and the Canadian TG blogs are so much better than ones here in the U.S. : )


  6. I can completely understand the feelings as I have been in the same situation.
    But I guess unless the women know who we really are then they are just doing the things that they would normally do.

    But dont worry its always great to have a girly chat on line, with the girls in the know!