"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Monday 21 June 2010

On a Threshold

I am embarrassed to admit that these days I am living in lock-up mode, when there are so many of you who have taken charge, stepped up and just got on with living your lives. What I am starting (I am very slow at times) to get my ‘pea brain’ around is that if everything does not go as planned; so, that is bad because??? People will give you looks… and that is who’s problem???? The time has come to Do Something That Moves Me Forward!

Yup, I am in lock-up mode; with “Fear of Loss” gripping me tightly by my throat, yet I know by your examples and a lifetime of my own, that none of the consequences that give that faceless fear power over me are as bad as I can imagine. I must conjure up my own super-heroine with power over these fears.

The man inside me has never been afraid of anything he had to do before, usually going super-prepared into every endeavor. Not this time; confusion and emotional turmoil run my life these days. What is going on here is make or break; that is clear. If I step backward now, there is just another cliff behind me. This or that, and everything will change, no matter which.

It is only a matter of time before I can see myself as congruent person. There is the beginning of a model already, but it’s not there yet. My beautiful Avatar here continues to challenge me with the question, “How can you be in any doubt as to the direction we must travel?”, yet there they are, thoughts of turning back as I have tried to do in the past.

Every good thing starts with a thought. Without strong will and the trust to leap, good thoughts can be wasted. If it was in my nature, today I would be saying a prayer. I suppose that is what this is, in a way. Or maybe it is a promise.

Since this is the only one I’m given, I will not waste this life.


  1. Before hitting the beaches of Normandie, make sure the weather is with you. I'd like to think that is what Ike said to himself on June 4th, 1944 (the day before the originally planned invasion date of June 5th).

    I can completely sense your angst and desire to "do something." Anything, just hoping that it is positive, moves you forward and there are no bad ramifications.

    I hit such a wall last summer. Had a breakdown on a family trip. Luckily the kids were asleep and my wife just thought I was mad that we were in a traffic jam and she was the driver, not me. (My male ego and associated anger issues made it real easy for her to think I was expressing nothing out of the ordinary).

    The result was a conversation at home a few days later that allowed me to fully come out to my wife. And even though finances were tough, begin off-and-on electrolysis. That helped a lot. I had to stop the electro for the last few months until I can get more work, but I will pick it up again and with my wife's blessing.

    Hopefully, you can get past this time period and figure out what would be a small, positive move for you.

    The movie, PRODIGAL SONS, is on Sundance Channel tonight. I loved the film, and the film's director/subject is very inspiring. I cried on the way home that I didn't make the early choice that she did (in college) to transition. I am in my 40s now. But, I have children and a lovely wife. If I had already transitioned, I would not have my children or my wife. Simple as that. But, I still yearn for transition every day.

    May peace come to you soon. Please keep writing. You help me lots.


  2. Halle,
    I know what you're saying, you speak for many of of us 'living?' in this dysphoric world that we struggle daily with. But as I was wisely told by my therapist, 'you just can't step back in retreat' it will be your rather quick end. Keep up the good writing.

    Hugs, Eleanor

  3. Wasn't there an old Rolling Stones song...
    > "You can't always get what you want,
    > but if you try, sometimes...
    > you just might find.....
    > you get what you need..."

    Best Wishes,


  4. I know this position too. You have to do something, not doing so is not an option. Good luck with whatever you decide on.

  5. Halle,

    Every good thing does start with a thought and prayers are but thoughts, wishes and trust in something we can't comprehend. Reading your words has helped me understand a little bit more of the woman inside me.

    My thoughts are with you,

  6. Halle, I'm confused and concerned as to just exactly what you are trying to say. If you are suggestion transition, then you need to give it considerable thought. Two places to start are cost and how it would affect family. Perhaps I'm wrong, but that's what I'm reading into your post.

    Calie xxx

  7. Halle - I am not going to try and say that the bad things don't happen because they certainly can. But what I have found is that my imagination is much bigger than reality. You need to think about what may happen and when possible have a Plan B if things head south but the vast majority of the time, for me, the things I have stressed over turned out to complete non-events.

  8. First of all, let me apologize. Perhaps this is an even more than usually vague post, even for me.

    What I need to do right now is assess, then do 'something'. Up until now, I have been all talk, no action and as many of you have said, that is not really a viable option in the long run.

    Transition is a long way off for me, if at all ladies. Living full time is a long way off.... what is happening here is moving so living sometimes and really understanding (I hope) what it means to be this real person (male/female/neither) full time.



  9. Hey. Real Time/Full Time is a good thing. When suffering from too much of a good thing, (IE...R/T-F/T). Take a break. That is what is called a
    V A C A T I O N

  10. Halle, I hope you find a way to the goal you seek. And you might well. You're already better at it than I was. I couldn't avoid what was ahead of me. I'm glad I didn't, but that's me.

    I'm not inside you dealing with all this stuff, but I have to say that you already seem like a very real person.