"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Monday, 23 August 2010

If Not Him, Then Who?

There was a time, not long ago, that yours truly was a guy with a problem. I hated myself. I particularly hated the collection of ‘guy behaviors’ that had been cobbled together to help me to pass as a male in our society. Early in this blog there were many references and many helpful comments confirming that this was a concern common to many of us.

In a very short time (especially measured against a life six decades long) there has been a forced dismantling of an old much hated façade. I call this place ‘Maintaining’ the Façade, but instead it might have been better called “Reconstructing the Façade”. Honest, I don’t want to transition, for so many reasons. Along the way of dismantling, the following best things happened. My body is healthier, my appearance is more presentable, and I definitely relate to people in a more positive way. I find myself interested in them and feeling more concern than ever before. My memory actually improved. I laugh and cry more easily than ever.
All of these best parts are entwined with that part of me who responds to the world as a woman. Try as I might, when I attempt to set aside that desire to BE female, the best parts fade away.
This became obvious in the last couple of weeks as it has been necessary to put on a manly face all of the time. I referred to that here as losing the girl this past week. Coincidentally, the manly face didn’t even really feel like it ‘worked’. It isn’t the old one, but to avoid freaking old friends out, it had to have echos of the old guy-mode; enough to freak ME out when it happened.

To put an analogy on the situation, it is a lot like moving into a new office that someone else designed for you. When you arrive, you need an adjustment period to find everything and nothing seems to work for a while. If you have a lot of confidence in the architect, you live with the changes and eventually everything works out fine, because the new layout is actually wonderful, just unfamiliar.

There is no track record for this façade builder who I have put trust in to take me forward for the rest of my life. The old office is in shambles though. Moving back there just will not work.

Learning about the various others who are trying to make the best of a bad situation sometimes gives me hope, but for the most part there is no good news to be found when it comes to this business of keeping two genders alive and well in one body. It makes me so sad to hear desperate tales of sisters who have lived the dream part-time, or in some cases have gone full-time but have had to give up transition much to their dismay.

I think it was Snoopy the Dog who expressed the adage;  “No problem is too big to run away from”. 

I sure could use a little good news, because I do not want to run away for a second time in my life from this ‘gift’ I was born with.


  1. Hi Halle,
    Another saying that fits, 'you can run, but you can't hide' I think that the only direction is acceptance and move forward. Can't remove the girl inside so she has to be content sharing life with the male that is also there. It's not going to be easy but that's what I have to do.
    Hugs, Elly

  2. I read your post before this one, where you write that no one can serve two masters... and I read this post, and I'm not sure what to think. I hope that you someday get to a place where you feel congruent. Stay true to yourself. :)

  3. Not sure what to say, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm still here -- in email or IM, or maybe even, yes, on the phone. It can be done!

    Hope you are finding where things are in that office.

  4. Hi Halle,

    To use your analogy of office space, Jim and I seem to have the luxury of each of us having our own space. Except...
    Jim's is a bit cluttered most of the time and I'm afraid some of that clutter will spill over into my area. You see, I'm more of a tidy girl who's more likely to do the dishes and laundry on Jim's behalf. Except when Amy comes home, Jim gets the credit. Life can be unfair sometimes but I deal with it.

    Hope you can make your space fit for you.

  5. Well, I look at this another way. At least you CAN set aside the desire to be female. With me, it never goes away.

    You did bring up some good points, however, particularly the health benefits. Some time ago, I lost 60 pounds as a result of using exercise to create the endorphins I require to clear my head. My looks and health improved dramatically.

    Calie xxx