I have a pretty good idea at this point why girl fog envelopes me most of the time. I have a pretty good idea of what I could do to lessen, or maybe eliminate it (Better Living Through Chemistry). A choice, with consequences.
I don’t know why GID has cycles of urgency. These cycles have been part of my life forever. Since I realized and acknowledged that the source of my anxiety is my trans-nature, the cycles have become more manageable (they are not gone, just different). For most of my life, thinking that I was just a screw-up, the low points of that cycle were accompanied by urges that manifested as (what ‘normal’ people would call) deviant sexual desires. The shame that accompanied these cycles spread out to give me a self-image that on a scale 0-10 was in the 1/∞ range. For my non-mathematical readers, this means less than any small number you care to mention.
Thanks to the vast resources here on the internet, and conversations we have here in Blogistan, I have increasing self-knowledge and with it, self confidence. What I don’t always do is take the action that appears best to continue to improve that condition. Because of a previous commitment, those actions while solving one problem, would create a new problem I am committed to avoiding (see this previous post). From reading your stories, I know I am not alone. The reasons for this inaction are as numerous as we are. As Meg points out in her post "You Just Don't Understand", we are far from alike. Yet we do empathize. Some of us get impatient with others when we think there is an obvious course of action they should be following. Mostly I get impatient with myself, because I see others taking action while I am not. We all berate ourselves at times. The wheel we are on turns and the feelings ebb and flow.
That is all.
Oh, you thought maybe this post was about solving our problem? Don’t I wish. No, this is just another post acknowledging where I am currently ‘stuck’.
This is just me telling me (and you too, gentle reader): Don’t feel alone. Don’t feel screwed up. Feel validated that all of this is real, and you are still doing the best you can do today.
Doing my best to live true to myself,
Halle
You are 100% correct. Girl Fog does come in cycles and figuring that out is hard to do, then admit. As you know, my situation is like yours in many ways. And the Girl Fog, too!
ReplyDeleteI find that the Fog comes most often when I am not busy or intellectually engaged in something strong enough to distract me, when I am under a lot of professional distress (work), and when I see/read about others who are younger or already transitioned women who are near or at my age (I won't tell!).
For example, my GID or Girl Fog has been really bad the past few days as I haven't been occupied as much as I'd like with work PLUS knowing that Dr. Christine McGinn, her wife and two new infants would be on OPRAH yesterday. Knowing that the show was coming, that Dr. McGinn transitioned ten years ago, was beautiful, has a beautiful partner and now, two babies really got me going. Why? Because I would so love to be in that situation myself. Over and done with transition, having a family with my spouse/partner/wife. And living my life as a woman.
But, then the cycle is over. My angst goes away somehow, naturally or forced by the smiling faces of my wife and my children. And I feel happy and blessed and thankful. That I hadn't transitioned yet and that I still have them in my life each day.
"Doing Your Best" is a great creed. Thanks for reminding me.
Karin
This is a beautiful post, Halle.
ReplyDeleteI think your honesty and awareness about yourself and your situation is a superb coping mechanism unto itself. As much self-destruction comes out of basic self-denial as comes from gender dysphoria directly.
I wish you much luck and success continuing to cope!
As always, your posts are so true and beautiful. And the better living through chemistry thing won't work, it just numbs the brain and pushes it off for another day. We are all similar and different and we find our own means of copy, I think I'm learning mine. A virtual hug to you my friend.
ReplyDeleteHugs, Elly
Karin, I saw Oprah too. What a lovely couple. Yes, it is hard to avoid feelings of jealousy when you see what might have been(or might be for you younger ladies).It is so important to remember those blessings we do have in our lives.
ReplyDeleteElly, I believe the chemicals you are thinking of are for depression, and roger on numbing of the brain; been there, done that, ran fast in the other direction! When I made my 'chemistry' comment I was thinking of artificial hormones.
As always, thanks for the comments.
Hugs
As others have said, that was a great post - and although, as you say, we are all different there was one sentence that struck home. I thought I was a screw up.
ReplyDeleteThanks for being so open.
Stace
Halle, You're right...we ALL understand the feeling you describe.
ReplyDeleteWhat I have accomplished in my trans life is that I have given up the guilt. It took over 50 years, but I think I'm finally there. The result is that I am free to embrace my femininity without that guilt. Freedom from guilt allows me to learn to express that femininity in different ways, other than just dressing as a woman. I may be in drab but I feel like I'm dressed, sometimes.
Of course there are those times when GID is stronger. Luckily, my wife can read those moods and cuts me more slack than usual. She has even gone out with me twice now.
There probably are no pat answers to our plight. We all have to learn to cope in the best way possible...even if that means just watching a chick flick...lol. :)Suzi
Halle, you are a lovely honest person. Only you know what's right for you. Everyone's situation is unique, so we all have to find our own way of coping with the monster.
ReplyDeleteI think I said this once before, but probably not to you. I once saw a 60 minutes segment, where Mike Wallace was interviewing the actor Robert Shaw, beside the pool behind Shaw's home. I always thought of Shaw as a very macho man, based upon the characters he played in movies, but here he was wearing a very feminine women's floral robe! Of course Wallace noticed, and asked him about it. Shaw simply said, "You have to feed your demons, or they will devour you." Of course! He was coping with his demons in his own way. A way that worked for him.
Melissa XX
Always making me think, even when I'm in no mood for it. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteHalle, this is a lovely post, as others have commented but I just have to echo what Leslie said.
ReplyDeleteNo other comments...
Calie xxx