"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Wednesday, 1 September 2010

I AM NOT SAD - just a bit conflicted that's all ...

This morning a good friend (my first of many friends I might add, here in Blogistan) remarked that my blog had become darker over time and that worried her. It is something that had not passed my notice that as my mood changes, so too does the writing; must be connected, eh? LOL

If you maintain a really good façade as a male, and I do, you are bound to have ups and downs that have nothing to do with your tg life. As it happens, the male façade (in spite of, or maybe because of it’s revisions over the last five months) has been very successful personally. Being successful as a person in my real life should give me way more satisfaction than it does. People probably think I am shy or modest. The truth is, these times when I am being praised as the guy are tainted by the back-story I carry around and cannot share. Halle should get so much credit and there she ‘sits in a corner’ feeling forgotten and unappreciated. I keep trying to remind her that her blog should be a source of great pride for her, because the ‘guy’ has nothing to do with it. Many of you have been very kind in your praise of our scribbling here and I do appreciate it, thank you all.

What has changed since the start of April? Five months have passed by. In April nobody really knew Halle, other than those few I had contacted by email. There are some things about blogging about something as intimate as transgender that you cannot know until you have done it, like how much you grow and learn from others. Some of that growth and learning has made me a bit sad (I'll admit), but I haven't given up on growth, learning or self-examination.

Some of you might know that I have the privilege of being on the team at that most essentially trans blog T-Central. Involvement with T-Central has allowed me to get to know some of the other members of the team better. When I say I have a lot to learn, the collected wisdom there is usually the first thing that comes to mind, believe me. Writing for T-Central has also given me a forum and a reason to seek out other diverse bloggers with something to say about the tg condition. The net can be very wide indeed.

T-C and that search for diverse thinking about tg issues fits into my life online so well because one of the things I love most is traveling around and learning as much as possible from all of you. It is the same in my real life, where I have always maintained there is more fun in hearing what someone else says than in talking. After all, I already know what I think. What you have to say is new to me and gives me an opportunity to learn that self-examination just cannot provide.

So it is with blogging. I write to exist here, but the real reason I write is to read your comments; to hear what you think about those same things. 

Early on I wrote a post on this topic to try to encourage more participation. It is a common complaint on the internet – lots of readers, no comments. We know you are out there, but tell us what you think too.

This isn’t Encyclopedia Transgendera you know!

Only kidding…By all means, use this and anything else on the internet as you like, and if you got this far, thanks for reading and do your best to be true to yourself!




  1. Halle,

    There is an Irish saying about talking and listening, 'tis better to remain silent and let them think you're a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt'. Yes, you can learn much more by listening rather than talking. Keep up the good writing!


  2. Don't forget that those of us out here already know what we think and therefore are quite interested to know what you think. So hopefully that's why you write as well -- to communicate with us. After all, no blog entries, no comments. :)

  3. @Elly: I have always lived by that quote, until I started "Maintaining" at least! :P

    @Veronica: So true... I won't forget!


  4. It's a bit early in the year to have Seasonal Affective Disorder, isn't it? Unless of course you live in some place like Seattle, I think I'd be affected all year round.

    All kidding aside, it's natural of course that your blog, which is written from your heart, is going to follow your emotions. It'd be hard to write an upbeat post if you weren't feeling it.

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  6. I guess I'll leave a token comment. Okay, maybe more than a token. Sometimes when I get on, I feel the urge to jump in and throw my $0.02 into the mix. This is a way we can reach out and touch someone, and maybe find some common ground. The interaction is really neat, especially if you say something in your post that strikes a chord with me, I comment and strike a chord in someone else who comments as well. Then we can all point our fingers at you and say, "You started it," And we're so glad you did!

    More to the point, there are many times that I'll do something, dishes, laundry, getting us home safely on a long drive, etc. Amy knows about me but doesn't want to acknowledge me, so obviously Jim gets the credit. As she so plainly put it to Jim recently, "You don't have a girlfriend (me). Okay?!" I desperately want to be friends with Amy as Sarah, but I have to be patient with her on that. While I wish that could be now, I know prayer is answered "Yes", "No", or "Later". Since Amy is where she's at, I have to accept the answer to be "later."


  7. The good news is, I've only arrived on the scene recently so I don't even remember when you weren't being dark and seemingly sad. Besides, speaking as an often dark and sad person, misery loves company. ;-)

  8. You have set the bar pretty high, Halle, but I look forward to outdarking you as autumn dysphoria comes into full bloom. October beckons...

  9. ditto Leslie, I even have a playlist on my iPod called "Misery music"-
    Seriously I do believe the darker posts/themes can be a balance and sometimes seemingly sad posts can come out when we are in a good place-our relationship to our own blogs is not always direct....so keep posting even the dark ones! Now I have to get back to the "Joy Division" tracks..

  10. Well, as Karen recently pointed out to me in a comment to a post I did:

    ...if our blogs are not here for head clearing what are they for? If you write from the heart, the words really don't matter - the content and true meaning will shine through regardless.

    I think Karen says it all. No need for me to add anything.

    Calie xxx