"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Saturday 18 September 2010

Sometimes a Burden Needs To Be Shared

My sweetie has repeated many times that she sooo wishes we could go back to before I became aware of this ‘gift’ of mine, and decided I had to be honest and tell her what was going on. At the very least her life would be simpler if I had just continued to hide myself carefully and not bother revealing my ‘deception’. It makes no sense to me, this attitude she has, but it is how she feels, and you don't argue with feelings, you try to understand them. So I am working on being sensitive to the times she is willing to talk and the times when she is not.

I am unsure what secrets Carly Simon was referring to, or which lover had shared those secrets that she sometimes wished had never been shared in the name of honesty in a relationship, but I have always liked this song. The particular performance below is special in it’s own right. The performance is part of the video “ A Moonlight Serenade on the Queen Mary II.”

This video is dedicated to Mrs. H, and the rest of the sweeties out there who wish for the sake of honesty and the sake of what is fair we had just kept it all to ourselves.

Carly, her daughter Sally Taylor, and Vin "Vinny" D`Onofrio on acoustic guitar.



  1. There is every possible reaction to our gift. Perhaps I can count myself amongst the lucky ones since my beloved has stuck with it long enough to evolve to the position of really liking the new me.

    There is hope given half a chance.

    Caroline xxx

  2. One of the best things to happen in my life was when my wife discovered Suzi. I was well along the path of hiding from her forever if necessary to maintain our marriage and relationship. I had to totally repent of not trusting her love for me. I always hoped her love for me was unconditional, but there was no way to be sure until she found out about Suzi on her own.

    I never imagined she would eventually evolve to the point Caroline mentioned...to the position of actually liking both sides of me to a point someplace beyond mere acceptance or tolerance. I mean, what's not to like? :)Suzi

  3. If I had not come out to Mrs. J and we had not spent the last however long coming to terms with all this then she would still have a depressive and suicidal husband. No, we'd probably have split up by now.

    It's a no-win situation, we don't tell them and that happens, we tell them and then they have to deal with knowing. Personally I'm glad we ended up with the second path.

  4. Isnt she beautiful and what a great voice.
    Honesty is the best way even though when people are working through it, it may not seem that way.

  5. You are damned if you do, and damned if you don't. Wives say they want their husbands to be totally open and thoroughly honest with them, but if you comply, it can be like opening Pandora's box. The revelation of certain kinds of information, can forever alter the way they look at you, and not necessarily in a good way.

    Many women say they like their men to be in touch with their feminine side, but I think what they really mean is, they want husbands who are sensitive to their needs as females. They may not mind a little femininity in a male friend, but they want their husbands to be the the stalwart masculine figure in their lives, and the revelation of any real femininity, sort of degrades that image.

    Some women don't seem to mind it, and might even enjoy that aspect in their husband's lives, but I think they are the rare exception to the rule.

    I certainly hope you and she can work though it, because even if you went totally back into the closet, the knowledge of who you are, will always be there.

    Melissa XX

  6. I think the key is the word you used in your title: burden. For the person who shares, it is an unloading of the burden. But the person who listens gets to help carry the load. Sometimes, you really need to share, but it's not the liberating thing for the listener that it is for the sharer.

    Of course, what your wife would really like is that you not have a "gift" at all, and who can really blame her. I'm sure my partner would have liked that as well. But given that you do have that "gift," I think it's better that she know than that she wonder what is going on with you. Then again, I am on the "sharer" side of things.

  7. Hi Halle,

    My wife has said the same thing to me, she just wishes we could go back to pre-knowledge times. Can't go back in the closet,that's for sure. It's something that we will be working over for a long time but I'm in my marriage for the long haul anyway. I feel better having shared this 'secret' with her and Veronica is right, she shares my 'burden now.


  8. I am looking at this from the "other side" now. I am the heterosexual woman married to a stong(occasionally bone headed) masculine man who enjoys his woman the old fashion way, which just happens to be the way I like it. If he were to "come out" to me that he was gay or "trans", I would be both shocked and devastated. In all truth, I do not see how we could survive as a couple.

    I am guessing that most women would have serious difficulty in "dealing with" such an unexpected revalation. That some posting here seemed to have found ways to reconcile this "anomly" is a testament to their love, committment and even more so, thgeir ability to adapt. Not everyone is so capable.

  9. Anne may well have hit upon a good point which may well explain why I have survived.

    I have never presented as the sort of strong boneheaded masculine male just a considerate though as has been pointed out recently in no way effeminate person in a male body.

    I have not changed too dramatically from that person whereas some boneheaded type would show a shocking change of personality and behaviour.

    Caroline xxx

  10. Survival here requires huge love and dedication, no question. I cannot imagine another factor, short of infidelity that would put a greater strain on a relationship.

    I'd have to agree that I have been far from bone-headed and hyper masculine in the years up to now. As well, this revelation has not led to any changes in the sharing of chores around the house. There are certain things I am always going to be taking care of, just because they need to be done, and I am the one who can and will do them. Carpentry, outdoor clean-up an so forth are hardly male-only pursuits anyway. Sweetie and I have talked about these things obviously, and let's face it, being able to continue to talk and grow together makes a huge difference in survival.

    Having said all of that, it still amazes me that she has stuck it out. She is an awesome person!

  11. I have to agree with Anne to the point of a marriage surviving this "anomaly" being a testament to the people in it. Jim (and I) have been having some sparse discussions with Amy on the subject, trying to get her to understand that this doesn't just go away. I am sorry to share they didn't go so well. Since then Amy had some medical issues of her own, with Jim being very supportive all the way. Maybe Jim is looking for a bit of quid pro quot here, and who can blame him, but I think he's just trying to show compassion to be the way for people who love each other to treat one another.

    Jim and I have gone through much clutter and confusion over all the years dealing with and learning about the "anomaly". Recently we have come to accept and be settled with where our place is in this. One would think this is good news.

    In the meantime, it is painful for me waiting for Amy to come around. I keep looking for the faintest glint of hope, but that's hard when the response is "Absolutely NOT!!" (SLAM!!!) every time. It looks as though Amy is one of the "most women" that Anne spoke of. While I hope that will change, I am afraid of what might happen if change never comes.

  12. What a beautiful song to go with this post.

    I used to call it a gift and then I asked myself, who am I kidding? This is not a gift for me. This is how I was born and I deal with it. Frankly, I wish I didn't have this "gift".

    I told my wife after suppressing this for more than 20 years. I just thought that there should be no secrets in our life. I had kept it dormant on the outside but it was always burning on the inside. I was finally at a point where I needed to out myself to my wife. Just too much guilt.

    My wife's only concern is that I not transition and, since dressing up doesn't do it for me, there are rarely any issues between us.

    Anne's point of view is quite interesting and I would have to agree with her if I was in her shoes.