"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Tuesday 12 October 2010


It is one of the deadly sins. Is it wise to admit to such a thing? As another well-known blogger reminded me recently “I am a blogger. I have no secrets.”

Envy is visceral and it is a feeling so I do not have to justify it. While not proud of such a thing, mine is a life under examination. I accept it, and wonder what it means that such a feeling exists, especially one so strong. So I ask myself "what is triggering envy?" It seems it begins with admiration.

Lately I find reading about those of you who have transitioned or are in the process of transitioning is making me very emotional with admiration, then envy. Another situation when I feel admiration, then envy occurs when I read of crossdressed adventures. Even those of you who have been unable to avoid tremendous loss have at least taken your life into your control and have allowed others in your life to do the same. I admire that in you.

Do I desperately want to transition, or crossdress openly? It might be, but if I am reading my emotions correctly, it seems that what is admired and envied is some measure of control. Lately, nothing I do seems to quiet the struggle inside. The truce in that war that dominated much of my life threatens to be broken.

It also saddens me to feel unqualified to add to the discussions on your blogs when these sort of topics come up, even though I have thoughts and feelings of support and concern. If ‘walking the walk’ is a necessary qualification for ‘talking the talk’ then much of the time it seems best to quietly sit on my hands and listen to what the ‘real women' have to say.

Why the admission? Why not just quietly slip away? You might have read the quote under the masthead. I believe all of you out here in Blogistan, especially those of you I envy, are all my family because I take joy in your life and respect you all more than you will ever know.

It seems I can be joyful and envious at the same time.


  1. Envy lives here too. ; )

    Great blog. Control is what I guess this is about. My wife mentioned to me about our being in "limbo" right now. I think it is like purgatory, but limbo works. Being Trans, We don't have control of our lives in many ways. We are always in a "what if" state where we don't know how/when/why we will proceed or not, what the ramifications will be, nor the joys and pains of completing the journey and being women. It also is more all-consuming for us (non-transitioning folks) because everything is played out in our head. Where it is almost impossible to control anything.

    GID distraction moment anyone?

    Thanks for advancing the discussion. I think CONTROL is something I haven't thought as much about, but at some point one needs/decides to control her/his destiny. Maybe it is at that point, where moving forward completely begins?


  2. I think at some point we all look at someone else and feel envy. It's natural to want what you don't have and others seem to.

    But Halle, just because you have not or may not transition in a way you would like to, does not make you any less valuable or any less trans. We all have different things we want to do and need to do and different roadblocks. There are probably far more people in your situation than in mine and in the same someone might read what I have to say and find something meaningful or useful, your posts offer the same.

    As for control, well, I understand that all too well. I have control of a limited number of things in my life, but the more I own who I am and own up to who I am, the more I feel like I have a handle on at least those things I can.


  3. Halle is out talking to the world. How many souls are there out there who have so far not summoned up the nerve to show themselves in a comment let alone open their heart and soul for dissection?

    We all sat in the dark fearing that first step, to open up to the world and share our experiences and concerns. There are many places to stop on the journey from darkness to light, without others putting up their hands and declaring where they are and why many will feel they are alone when all the time there are others at the same place.

    If you are alive you "are" qualified, fully qualified to express where, why and how you are.

    Caroline xxx

  4. Halle your're not sitting on your hands, you are an active part of this Blogistan community and very much appreciated. And no, you are qualified to add your voice because you speak with reason.

    A virtual hug, Elly

  5. Halle, I know all to well the green eyed monster of envy, having felt it's breath on my neck many, many times. I feel envious of GG's who were born as I should've been and I feel envious of trans women who are further along than I. I think that it's normal to be envious when others have what we deeply desire for ourselves. I also think that envy harnessed properly can achieve positive results.

    Don't ever feel that you have nothing to contribute on my blog, your opinions and insights will always be greatly valued and greatly appreciated!

    Dani xxx

  6. To envy, is to be human. Who has never envied someone for something?

    As for you qualifications to talk, well.....you know where I stand. Your contributions to the discussion, are as valued as anyone's.

    Melissa XX

  7. Dear Halle

    I do not believe that walking the walk is a precondition for forming opinions and sharing them. Caring about the walk is.

    You do. Carry on.

    Thanks - nice, and as always, thoughtful post.

    Cheers - Petra

  8. I think you are insightful, inspiring, and supportive just the way you are, hon. If walking was a prerequisite to talking, then I dare say NONE of use would be here today.

    We all have our own circumstances, and those circumstances often dictate how, when, and if we are free to walk the walk. I completely sympathise with the envy your feeling, and I think that's natural . . . it shows that you care, and that there are real emotions behind your talk.

    I'd rather read your honest thoughts and comments than the fantasies of ficticious blog any day. Not that there's anything wrong with a good story, but you know what I mean.


  9. Yeah, that's me too, felt the stab to my heart too many times. Sorry if anything I've written has stabbed you.

    What's to be done? Keep fighting, one day at a time. Far better than the alternative.

  10. Halle what you said here is patently painful. It is what I experience. The struggle to maintain control. You have everything to say to all of us. You are especially qualified to speak to all of us about those topics. Walking the walk is what you do whether you think so or not. It is the way that counts not the result. We all need your insight as you need ours.

  11. Halle. You must absolutely RIGHT NOW! STOP! Selling yourself short.

    You are absolutely and without a doubt "Walking the Walk" and not only have you every right to "talk the talk", but in my opinion, the RESPONSIBILITY to speak out as you have, and hopefully, will continue to do.

    Clearly the "path" that you walk is different from mine, just as mine and yours is different from millions and billions of other people's.

    Nevertheless, you speak from he heart, as do I and THAT, dear friend is what gives your words and your thoughts and feelings such value.

    I have a wooden carving that hangs in my kitchen. I picked it up many years ago in an old port city in So. America and reads, "No envidie mi progresso, sin conocer mi sacrificio". Roughly translated it means, Envy not my progress, without recognizing, (understanding) my sacrifice.

    I do not envy those who have what I would like to have because I have no idea what price they paid to obtain what they have. And...if I had what they have,(which I envy or covet), would I REALLY be happier with it than with what I have now?

    Would you trade your children, or their future, for what you think I have? I would not think so. Be eternally, estatically grateful for what you have.

    Consider carefully what you wish for and that potential sacrifice.

    As I have said to Callie, and I say to you. I hold you in the highest esteem for the sacrifices that you have made and the integrity with which you speak. Just keep that in mind.

    When you speak from your perspective, you thoughts, feelings, doubts and fears are a valid, meaningful and valuable to readers as are mine or anyone else's that speaks truthfully and honestly.

    What you say no doubt has more meaning for those who share similar circumstances to yours, just as my thoughts apply to others in different situations.

    So hang in there. Stop by my blog, (PLUG,PLUG)and tosssome wisdom my way. I get lonely just hearing myself sing.



  12. I'm well-acquainted with envy, but I have never connected it to control. Brilliant! That makes so much sense.

    I, too, feel unqualified to offer opinions sometimes. What perspective could I offer on transition? Yet, there are commonalities in all things that we do, and we need to just plug in our humanity and let 'er rip.

    And I envy the incredible commenting skills of Caroline. What she said!!

  13. Wow! I am overwhelmed as usual with the way you all add so much to my thoughts here.

    Because of you, I understand where these ideas of mine fit and do help and for that you have my humble and heartfelt thanks; all of you!

    I feel as though there is a crowd where before I was lonely.

    Thank you all so much.

    Gang Hug!

  14. I am late to the party, but that's because you posted yet another thought-provoking blog entry, and I didn't want to comment in too much of a hurry.

    When I first met people who were transitioning, I went through the same sequence -- admiration, and then envy. I thought it was amazing that they were going for it, and I wanted what they had. In my case I eventually realized I could have it. But envy doesn't sleep. There is always someone who has what you wish you had.

    Just can't let it take over. That's one reason I write my blog -- to exorcise demons. I gather that it works that way for you too.

    As for any feelings of being unqualified to add your thoughts, well, I follow your blog because you have great insights. So forget about qualifications. You're there.

    I am very happy to know you at least a little. *Hugs* back!

  15. Leave it to me to be even later to the party.

    Envy goes with the territory, Halle. I have found that, with my good friends who I have met face to face (including Anne), that I transfer that envy into admiration. I absolutely love to see my former trans friends happy and living their life in a body that matches their brain. Sounds corny but it is a very real emotion with me. In fact, it is absolutely necessary for me that I somewhat "live" their transitions with them. It, for me, is a way to bury the depression that can arise when envy takes over.

    Hope that makes sense. Hard for me to explain.

    Calie xxx