"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Wednesday 6 October 2010

Purging Indecision

Spirit of the Future, I fear you more than any specter I have met tonight! But even in my fear, I must say that I am too old! I cannot change! I cannot! It's not that I'm impenitent, it's just... Wouldn't it be better if I just went home to bed?

Maybe in this lifetime war against myself, my ability to cloak and deceive others and myself has been my worst enemy, because:

My family never knew I hated being told regularly about things I did that were not how a boy should do it.

My teachers never knew how wrong it was being force to go out in the ‘playground’ three times a day to be teased and bullied.

My male school chums never knew how much I longed to go and sit and talk to the group of girls ‘over there’.

The girls over there never knew that I just wanted to be one of them.

Nobody ever suggested there was a solution to feeling like an alien in your own body, like a stranger on the planet.

Maybe the rest of my world didn’t know or care about these things because it wasn’t their job to understand me. That was my job, and if I had been doing my job, maybe I would have refused to work so hard at pleasing everyone by making myself look and act as they expected. Maybe if I had just refused to play with the boys, gone over and sat with those laughing girls and laughed with them, the war against myself could have been avoided. Maybe instead, I would have had a good war against the parts of the world that interfere with people who just want to live their lives authentically.

One of the best pieces of advice I ever received came via my Grandfather. He said “It is alright to make mistakes. You need to make mistakes in order to learn. Just don’t make the same ones over and over!”

So, it could be true today and for the rest of my life, that by refusing to work so hard at pleasing everyone, making myself look and act as they expect, refusing to ‘play with the boys’ if I don’t feel like it, going over and sitting with those laughing ladies so I can laugh with them, maybe I can become the best I can be NOW, and forget about a lifetime of regret that taught me these lessons.

Maybe it isn’t too late to stop hating the man I became because of my choices.

“Some people laughed to see the alteration in him, but he let them laugh, and little heeded them; for he was wise enough to know that nothing ever happened on this globe, for good, at which some people did not have their fill of laughter in the outset”




  1. This sounds like words of wisdom to me. Never too late, never too old.

    As your grandfather said, it's OK to make new mistakes, just not the same old ones, or else you're not learning.

    Hugs back!

  2. Halle:

    The first step in letting something go is to stop engaging it by love or hatred. If you stop hating the man he will become free to go and stop crowding you....

    Be well...

  3. Halle, don't hate who you were out of necessity. You had to wear that male mask. It's a part of you and even as you move beyond it, there is no reason to regret the things you did or didn't do as a result. What you do now is more important, but hold on to the good parts of him as you move forward.

    No regrets.

    xoxo Gin

  4. There is a comment on another site that goes:
    My life is Not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely, in a pretty and well preserved body. I fully intend to skid in with my shoes on fire, a smile on my face, thoroughtly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, "wow! what a ride!"
    sometimes you just take life by the horns and hang on!

  5. Perhaps playing that male part can pay off in funding a new life as compensation.

    I refused to play the male part and lived as close to the girls as they would let me at the expense of never having a real paying career.

    How we get there is immaterial in the end but your way could end up being the better way in the end.

    Caroline xxx

  6. "My family never knew I hated being told regularly about things I did that were not how a boy should do it."

    I know that phrase well enough...


  7. There is no moment that is so late, in matters of hate, that it is not worth taking advantage of.

    Now would be the best possible time to stop hating the man you became, for whatever reason.

    A few seconds from now would be nearly as good.

    Minutes, days, you get the idea.

    There is no margin, no gain, no benefit in the sentiment under any circumstance.

    The how is tricky and deeply personal. My experience may not be of any use to you.

    Warm wishes for easy struggles.