"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Friday 25 May 2012

A Special Sort of Purgatory

I need to admit something here. The plan I am living is in some ways worse than denial. Yes it is bad to hate who you are and put that part of yourself under a basket in a refusal to examine or acknowledge her. Today I see that what is going on with me is so much worse.

Looking with a cool eye at what is going on in my life right now, it seems a bit like a corpse being maneuvered about and going through the motions of being a man. People around me seem confused, asking way too often, 'are you alright?'. to which my inner being cries out "NO! I am not alright at all. I am dying in here. Please help me!!" even as I hear this masculine voice reply " I am fine thanks".

What I know right now, like a blinding flash of insight is this. There is a special sort of purgatory reserved for a person who has a light, realizes it, and puts that light under a basket on purpose so that none can experience it.

Right now, that is the precipice before me.


  1. It may be so, but you will, ineffably, reach the height where you can shine your light.
    Or, if it weren’t such a phallic symbol I would refer to you as a lighthouse.
    Love to you, Corinna

  2. Thank you Corinna. May it be so for us both, a lighthouse not just a light.
    Safe harbours my friend.

  3. Halle, I feel I'm in much the same place. You said it so much better than I could.

    Very often, my inner voice and outer voice are in discordance. I should just shut off the filter. I might be worse for a while but I think I'll be better in the long run.

    1. Shutting that filter down might solve a few problems, as you say, in the long run. This is likely to happen when finally my accumulated fears are finally less important than my accumulated needs to be a whole person. I hope, like you, to be better in the long run somehow.
      Thanks Meg.

  4. Know the feeling, did it for decades, then...

    As ever , wish you luck.

    1. Thank you Caroline. Knowing good friends have been through it, and are through with it does help.

  5. Hiya Halle, I'm here! :) Hang in there, Gal, you're doing great.

    I hope things are going well with your musical endeavors...