"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates
~~ It is not the world you see, but how you see the world that matters ~~

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Friday, 25 May 2012

A Special Sort of Purgatory

I need to admit something here. The plan I am living is in some ways worse than denial. Yes it is bad to hate who you are and put that part of yourself under a basket in a refusal to examine or acknowledge her. Today I see that what is going on with me is so much worse.

Looking with a cool eye at what is going on in my life right now, it seems a bit like a corpse being maneuvered about and going through the motions of being a man. People around me seem confused, asking way too often, 'are you alright?'. to which my inner being cries out "NO! I am not alright at all. I am dying in here. Please help me!!" even as I hear this masculine voice reply " I am fine thanks".

What I know right now, like a blinding flash of insight is this. There is a special sort of purgatory reserved for a person who has a light, realizes it, and puts that light under a basket on purpose so that none can experience it.

Right now, that is the precipice before me.
at 08:23

8 comments:

  1. Anonymous25 May 2012 at 10:30

    It may be so, but you will, ineffably, reach the height where you can shine your light.
    Or, if it weren’t such a phallic symbol I would refer to you as a lighthouse.
    Love to you, Corinna

    ReplyDelete
  2. Halle26 May 2012 at 06:41

    Thank you Corinna. May it be so for us both, a lighthouse not just a light.
    Safe harbours my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  3. CallMeMeg26 May 2012 at 09:36

    Halle, I feel I'm in much the same place. You said it so much better than I could.

    Very often, my inner voice and outer voice are in discordance. I should just shut off the filter. I might be worse for a while but I think I'll be better in the long run.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Halle27 May 2012 at 06:59

      Shutting that filter down might solve a few problems, as you say, in the long run. This is likely to happen when finally my accumulated fears are finally less important than my accumulated needs to be a whole person. I hope, like you, to be better in the long run somehow.
      Thanks Meg.

      Delete
  4. Caroline26 May 2012 at 14:04

    Know the feeling, did it for decades, then...

    As ever , wish you luck.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Halle27 May 2012 at 07:18

      Thank you Caroline. Knowing good friends have been through it, and are through with it does help.

      Delete
  5. A Place In My Heart30 May 2012 at 00:01

    Hugs

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous12 June 2012 at 14:26

    Hiya Halle, I'm here! :) Hang in there, Gal, you're doing great.

    I hope things are going well with your musical endeavors...

    Hug,
    Charlene

    ReplyDelete

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