Along with everything else that goes with living a "normal" life now, mine revolves around two things:
1. Let those around you know by your voice, clothing, hairstyle, makeup, gait, posture... the list goes on... that you are female.
2. Give expression to those things which defined you as a unique and interesting person for those previous fifty years.
Getting called 'sir' while out and about interacting as myself not once but twice this past week affected me. It bruised the ego naturally, but mostly though, such a kick in the butt provided a huge incentive to work harder on all items of list one.
At the same time, I am not normal... repeat, I am not your average person. Oh, physically I'm fine for a woman. Yes, I am five inches taller than the average Canadian woman, and ten pounds heavier too (but that makes sense since I'm taller) so I do stand out in a crowd a bit, but not much. My shoulders will always be a bit wider than the average, but it is possible to dress to emphasize one's positive qualities.
Where I am really not normal is in all those other areas that matter to me most - list two. My attitudes and feelings are unique of course; everyone's are. Nothing of who I am screams male, but it does scream DIFFERENT. Let me repeat: I am NOT normal. I get ideas that need to be let out. In fact, in these past few weeks, my mind is feeling freer and more flexible than ever; like a butterfly discovering its wings and figuring out what to do with them.
So, being true to myself is always going to be a balancing act that will slowly become more natural to me as time goes on. What I must avoid is that thing which brought me here so long ago. There will be a spontaneous person here; no façade ever again. Maybe I need some red hair...
All of this reminded me of a TED talk by Rosie King. Here are some salient quotes:
It could be that people don't want to associate with anyone who won't or can't fit themselves into a box labelled 'Normal'.... If you think about it, what is normal? What does it mean? Imagine if that was the best compliment you ever received:
"Wow, you are really normal."
Hullo Halle; I wonder if I could step outside the gender issue for a few moments, even though this is a matter of great interest to you. What struck me forcibly, whilst reading this post, is that not only are you not alone, but are an example of psycho-spiritual healing on a more general level. "Wow, you are so normal...NOT!"
ReplyDeleteWherever we are coming from, you from a transgender point of view, mine from a codependent on an alcoholic, others from drug dependency and so on, the essential process is the same. That process requires an eradication of denial, and acceptance of what we truly are. The spiritual enlightenment that follows lifts us out of the normal into something else.
You don't need red hair! You are already part of a wider community that is flourishing outside the normal.
(Deleted earlier comment to correct for missing words.)
Tom, I do rely on you to "step outside" and help me to understand how I fit into a wider and quite wonderful community. Thank you again
DeleteWho wants to be normal anyway! Its totally boring and hardly worth the effort and it ain't fun either!
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of a couple of quotes from Doug Adam’s HHGTTG concerning the Infinite Improbability Drive.
“We are now cruising at a level of two to the power of twenty-five thousand to one against and falling, and we will be restoring normality just as soon as we are sure what is normal anyway.”
And..
“We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem."
Yay!
DeleteI love the video, and it's so true. I don't fit into any box and I'm far from normal, and that suits me just fine. :)
ReplyDeleteOnly we can free ourself to be ourself.
DeleteI tried being "normal" for most of my life; now I'm just being me. Much more fulfilling, I can assure you...
ReplyDelete== Cass
The best people in my life have been the 'characters'.. like you! I intend to let the 'character' inside have full charge from now on.
DeleteHugs,
Deanna