"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Wednesday 19 January 2011

Is To Forgive

So I asks myself... "self" says I, "what in the world was that all about? I mean, yah, sure, but, so??"

'That' is, of course, the previous post. A nice little number about understanding and getting along, and not judging others.. blah, blah.. what did I need that for? I puzzled and puzzled, because you know it just pushed its way forward, that post did, as though I needed it somehow. It persuaded me to hit [PUBLISH POST] really quickly, then told me "go away now; finish shoveling that snow".

Now, later in the day, it dawns on me. That post is an answer to a question I have been asking myself ever since I started to feel accepting of myself male & female. Back in April, I wanted the war to end. The reason it ended, and now the reason I am not hating myself, is about me becoming more human toward myself. It is about me forgiving myself for a lifetime as a bigot toward my own kind.

Because I grew up in a very multicultural, multi-ethnic, multi-religion setting, it has always puzzled me when people would talk hate about a whole group of people. Didn't they know that you wait until you get to know someone before you decide if you like them or not? So I met Christians who I liked and some I didn't, and Jewish people the same, and Asians, ditto... all the way down the line... and learned by example that people should not be labelled by their appearance or the church they attend or how they have sex in their bedroom, or anything else. I grew up with that. Easy for me.

What I never grew up knowing about was gender confusion. That was just something I had; nobody else knew about my feelings (no way I was going to tell them that weird stuff), and as far as I knew until very recently, nobody else went through what I did (they weren't talking about it either). The only people who had changed their gender were generally treated with scorn. I was taught that men who wore woman's clothing were dangerous. It never occurred to me to see that in the same light as hating every (choose your label) person. After all, these gender swapping types had a choice, didn't they? What was I thinking? In my heart I wanted that too. How did I get convinced that I and they were both deviant and that was that? I have grown and changed. I apologize to myself and all of you for being taken in so easily.

Facilitating that change was, (guess what!?) meeting (electronically and otherwise) people who wear the labels "crossdresser", "transgender", "transsexual" and "woman of a certain history". I have even met others who like myself do not know what label to put on, even though we obviously fit somewhere in that continuum. Some I did not like. Some I liked a lot. Many have become my friends. They (we) are people. Why would I hate someone before I get to know them?

So, thanks to the previous post, I have now remembered the reason the war started, and why it is now over. I was hating myself because I was 'other'. I had labeled my feminine side "destructive" and refused to get to know her.

I have met and really got to know my feminine side. I like her a lot. And by the way, I have got to know the new male side a bit, and I like him too, just not as much; there is still lots to fix. He is a work in progress! I have all of you and your example to thank for teaching me what I should have known all along. This is part of who I am,  and I shouldn't have to apologize for what or who I am, just for how I conduct myself.

What really scares me however is the next step in this self-improvement project; give the rest of the world, family and friends included, the same credit I give myself, most of the time. I need to expect them to be open-minded and let them get to know me; the true me.


  1. Wow. Halle...Brilliant!


    I stand totally blown away!

  2. Halle, you are channeling some very powerful stuff.

  3. Well, Halle, I suppose I'll be the pessimist here. I've seen a lot of hate towards transsexuals this week, right here in the center of the trans universe. Perhaps I'll do a blog about it.

    Calie xx

  4. Sorry to hear that Calie. I hope you do blog about it. Although my post reflects an optimism, I hope it does not come across as being 'head stuck into the sand'. I know the world is hardly ready to hear what needs to be said.

    It does need to be said. For my own sanity, there are people who I care about deeply who need to know the extent to which I have deceived them, and also the extent to which I have always been this person.

    Hugs to the three of you,


  5. Excellent post, Halle, especially the conclusion you reach in the last two paragraphs. I hope you are able to be yourself, fully, no matter the circumstances, no matter whom you're with!

  6. Lovely post to start my day with. Thanks so much. I love particularly how the explorations of Halle have unearthed a happier, more likable other.

    Great outcome. You might not be able to stop the wars, but you can choose to be a non-combatant.

    Enjoy the weekend - P

  7. Noeleene told me to do what you have discovered - to love both sides of myself - as we are one really. I haven't succeeded totally, but I'm getting better at it.

    I so adore your blog. I wish you luck with your life.

    Hugs anna x

  8. Such kind words Anna; and of course my wish for luck for you and all of us who struggle to balance these sides of ourselves.

    It has been my good fortune to get to know people like Ariel, Petra and so many others here in Blogistan, who, by telling their own stories, help us to understand that we each need to imagine what it means to be yourself, then do what it takes to make that a reality.