"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Thursday 24 March 2011

Today's Real Post - Film At Eleven

Scenes of destruction get repeated endlessly on television. I believe it must be built in to us to enjoy (at some deep visceral level) watching a train wreck, or a hockey player's head being violently twisted as he is body-checked into a support column.
For your 'viewing' and 'edification' we present Halle.  Watch her self-destruct:

Halle came to Blogistan almost a year ago, claiming to be trying to find the truth about herself; hoping she could stop the internal war and keep everything else the same. Wanted to end her 'dysphoria' she did. She examined that problem from all angles (as Petra put it, looking at Rubik's Cube from all sides before beginning to twist it into shape) and made many interesting observations as she went. All the time, the war was halted, as though a truce had been called.  Just as a reminder of what her goal was, let's quote her directly:

"Unless it becomes obvious that I cannot be the best person I know how to be while staying in the body I came with, I am not going to risk losing the people who I love."

How badly did she want to be that 'best person' you ask. Not enough. She has the truth and cannot handle it. (Insert slow motion train wreck footage here)

Enough third person stuff already. It is almost a year since that bold declaration. Earlier today was another first for me here; a post that was pulled. It was vague and unsatisfactory. I should be plain. 

I know how to end the war. I don't have the nerve to go through with it. I admire so many of you here from fifteen to over sixty in age who are (or have been) putting yourself first by becoming a person you can love and a person you can live with. You are risking, that as that true person, others who are true friends will be there for you. You believe in yourself and I salute you.
Another group I admire is heading out the door dressed beautifully as women, even though they still are quite happy being a man most of the time. Oh how I wish that sort of life would stop the war, but sadly, I do not 'want to' look like a woman.  

I want to stop pretending and find a way to live without having to think about it all the time and I know what that means. I have joined another group here and yes, you are admirable too in your own way, because you understand others and accept them as nobody who lives a life of peaceful, blissful ignorance of trans-anything can ever do. I promise to be there for the rest of you here in my little closet.

The war is back on. It is back because I could not handle the truth about myself. I cannot bring myself to risk losing the people I love and who I know would walk through fire for me for anything but this, something that is so foreign to them it cannot be accepted as sanity. For their sake the war should end, but they do not know or care about the war, or the carnage, carefully hidden behind veils of excuses easy to explain away when you are a man; a grumpy, old, man. 

I know what I fear almost as much as the truth. Becoming that grumpy, old man. When I fear that more than anything else, then all of this might change. Who else on the planet gets to make such a choice? What a 'gift'.

As my friend Leslie warned: "Don't be like me!" I don't even want that.


  1. I understand your needs and your decision. I have made a similar decision. The money I would use to fund transition will go to my daughters Master's degree.

    I'll stay a man, and continue to look like a guy-dyke.

    At my age, many natal born women don't look or dress all that feminine either.

    Human reason and will can be very strong. You are not the first person to choose self denial at a great emotional price.

  2. My heart is breaking for you, Halle. Please keep in mind that even though we have never met, I think we are still friends. That's true because you are you, whatever else is true about you.

    I hope you are not afraid of leaving behind gendered expectations. Even so, I understand that it's not enough, not when what you need is something else entirely. What a gift indeed!

    I'm always here to listen, for all the good that does.

  3. @Randi - thanks for the kind words. As with most things here, it is good to have kindred spirits.

    My friend Ariel; a huge hug and thank you. You know our chats are always a high point of any day!



  4. Halle,

    I'm lost for words as to what to say here.

    Please tell me that you have a therapist that you can talk to. Or someone.

    Thinking of you,

  5. Re: I cannot bring myself to risk losing the people I love and who I know would walk through fire for me for anything but this, something that is so foreign to them it cannot be accepted as sanity.

    Have you tried confiding this part of yourself with them? It seems to me that if they love you, even if the are not willing to accept transition, they could offer their emotional support, and possibly even make room for a few allowances. At least then, you wouldn't be shouldering this awful burden all by yourself.

    I came out to my sister and my niece a year and a half ago, and while neither has seen me en femme, other than in the pictures I shared with them back then, they are on my side. My sister sends me cards and emails addressed to Melissa, and has even given me female appropriate Christmas presents. Just having them know, and accept that side of me helped lift that awful burden. I can be much more relaxed around them now, and not have to pretend to be the man.

    Melissa XX

  6. Halle,
    You whose posts I read to discover where I am myself. I'm sorry but at the moment I am like an emotional train crash- I feel I am letting you down as a friend, someone who has helped me so much. But just now I haven't a clue.
    But know this, you are a sensitive and deep person, I am better for knowing you. Whatever the future holds - keep in touch. Claire

  7. Stace, finding a therapist has been an issue not resolved. I won't go into the details, but that has been one of the problems of living where we do. I will be deciding what friends and relatives are going to be let into the inner circle, for I understand what you are saying Melissa; it would lighten the burden some for me and my wife too.

    Claire, I have held off writing this post for weeks. I feel as though I am letting the side down. Know that I will always try to be there for all my online friends who have given and deserve so much support.


  8. Halle: it is truly heartbreaking to hear the resignation in your words. I understand that place in which you are. In the end the moral dictate of the life decisions we have made and to which we are bound firmly shuts so many doors. We are free in our first decision but bound in all that are consequential.

    In the end though we cannot toss.

  9. This comes from a support site for those who have been verbally abused, but I feel that it applies to so many of us.

    Where ever you end up, I hope that you can be true to yourself in the end.


  10. I'm at a loss for words. After what I just went through today coming out, I completely understand not wanting to put yourself through this pain. It may cost me the most important person in my life.

    But what pushed me on anyway was the knowledge that keeping this buried would have cost me her anyway, or worse.

    I can't imagine what you must be going through. This is no small burden to take on. You have my deepest sympathy.

  11. Halle,

    I feel like I have some sort of insight into your situation simply because I was allowed to transition earlier. I haven't lived near my family in 5 plus years. I know how sharp those reigns are, especially when they are made of consideration and trust. You often have to worry about the stability of the people on the other end of them. But at least you acknowledge what it's doing to you. Most people would prefer to become that grumpy old before they had a chance to examine their gender as fully as you have. Congratulations for doing so.

  12. NEWS FLASH @ 11

    Halle. Your Life is NOT a train wreck. Your life is a struggle, just like every other life on this planet. It is also a journey. What paths you take along that journey are the results of the choices you make as you exrcise your Free Will.

    Part of being human is making choices and then living with the consequences/rewards of those choices. All that anyone can do is to make the best of the choices we have made, given the choices that we were given.

    Do not let regrets overshadow the blessings before you.

  13. Incredibly, everyone in the inner circle of my little online cadre is in crisis. I never expected to be the one in the best shape, and never wished for it.

    You have major decisions to make, though you make it sound like it's all decided already. It's not.

    Don't be like me. Don't ignore your feelings. Don't languish in an effing limbo forever. Don't bury your best, true self where even you are unable to find it.

    My male self wants to solve this for you. My female self knows that listening and talking are the only things I can offer.

    Love ya,

  14. You seem to have achieved total self-knowledge. Your future choices can be nothing but right for you. I think that's what self-respect is all about?

  15. Ellena, I honestly wish you were correct here, but cannot let you go away confusing self-knowledge with self-respect. I will grant you that I am closer now than I have been ever to understanding what is going on within me.

    Gaining the momentum needed to act (ie make future choices) in my own "best interest", against the needs of others to whom I have made commitments spoken or just tacitly understood, (therefore affecting my self-respect), may or may not be in my future.

    We can never be assured of 'no regrets' in the end, and no regrets would be my definition of 'right for me'.

  16. Oops, I knew it might happen - me not saying it right but, I took a chance. Your last sentence says what I was trying to say. Is self respect not leading to respect of others just as self love needs to be there before we can love others?
    Sorry, this is not an argument. I'm a confused but not grumpy old woman.

  17. Halle,
    Incredible post...incredible comments.

    All I can say is that you will NEVER be able to totally ditch Halle. Purging is ALWAYS temporary.

    I totally understand the sacrifice of which you speak, and sometimes we are the loneliest of people. I like what Melissa said about "outing" yourself, but I also understand how hard that is to actually follow through with.

    My suggestion is simply to be patient and continue to push the envelope with your wife, even if it means devolving those "baby steps" back into crawling.

    My friend Lindsay, who is on the verge of going full-time, is having to out herself to many people. So far she hasn't had ANY bad reactions. Amazing. Maybe the world is finally catching up. I hope so. Good luck dear. :)Suzi

  18. Halle,

    As you have been going down this road and peeling back layers of the onion so to say, I think I understand where you are.

    If I am going to lean on another's comment, it's Anne's. Life is a struggle and a journey. A struggle in balancing our needs with those close to us, and a journey in that those close to us travel with us.

    It's easy to see if our traveling companions aren't comfortable with a possible destination. And I can understand it if they are upset if they've traveled this far with us to this place.

    How well I know!

    ((((BIG HUG))))


  19. This is a tough post and strikes to the very heart of GD. What strikes me is this...

    "Unless it becomes obvious that I cannot be the best person I know how to be while staying in the body I came with, I am not going to risk losing the people who I love."

    And then, this..."How badly did she want to be that 'best person' you ask. Not enough. She has the truth and cannot handle it."

    ON THE OTHER HAND, PERHAPS...She might be willing to sacrifice HER LIFE, that YOU might have yours as you are.

  20. I read of many women on fora and blogs who step out into a new life and just get on with living. Whether they have no bagagge or whether they choose to not air the difficulties, I do now know.

    For others we seem to get caught on the cusp - deperate to move forward and but unable to face the potential loss and destruction we might leave in our wake.

    Staying as I am seems the right decision for everyone but me, my heart knows that its the wrong decision. The prospect of life without the dream is something I find unable to comprehend, the thought of growing old as a man terrifying.

    As you say - what a 'gift'

    My thoughts are with you


  21. @Anne; When I mentioned the war was back, it was a reference to the internal effects of a recent attempt to 'convince' her to give up her life. Sadly, as Suzi says above
    "... you will NEVER be able to totally ditch Halle. Purging is ALWAYS temporary."
    I need to find a way to carry on letting her 'live' in some meaningful way. Finding a level of 'sacrifice' that she can live with seems to be my current best chance, as I see it.

    Melissa and others have suggested that outing myself to selected trusted people who can act as support for that side may be a best chance to balance and come out stronger as a whole person. As unconventional as that may seem, for me it is an option; it offers a chance that allows a best part of me to continue to flourish, if not in the sun, at least within.