"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Tuesday 23 November 2010

I’ll Show You Mine…

No, not what you think. Although it does remind me of a girl I knew when I was about five and she was about seven. One day …
You didn’t really think you were going to hear a story like that from an old prude like me did you? LOL

We all carry around this backpack of metaphoric stuff. Some peoples are bulging yet pretty light, while others have these sleek looking things that are eighty pounds (35 kilos) if they are a gram. You just never know unless you ask to try it on, and for most of us, these things go mostly unnoticed.

Every now and then somebody starts carping about how heavy theirs is. I like to think of myself as a pretty good listener (ya, I know, you’d never know it from this blog…haha). I do try to empathize with others who carry a heavy one. Having children adds a lot to that backpack. As they age it does get lighter, BTW, and eventually, if you are very lucky like I have been, your children boost you up and make you certain it was more than worthwhile carrying that load for twenty years or so.

Blogging has been unlike any other activity in my life. I have enjoyed it immensely. It has been a chance to get stuff off my chest (like yesterday... more in a bit). Of course it is not a diary, so it is important to be kind to your readers too. Admittedly, from time to time a post slips by my internal crap detector. That device exists to tell me something like “yes, I would enjoy reading that one” or “oh, what a downer, why would somebody write that sort of stuff and expect anyone to bother ever coming back?” My last blog here was your look into my backpack, and from the reaction, I can tell it isn’t a pretty sight in there. Oooo Yuck! Thank you however to the brave and helpful friends who commented. I will take these words to my heart, given as they were under difficult circumstances.

Yes friends, I’m in a bit of a rough place these days and for various reasons it is not likely to be smoother for some time. My male side is getting lots of support (way too much as it happens). The lady part is really jealous. It is messing me up some, I will admit, so I should have noticed that my last post was crossing the line into trying to shift my load onto other shoulders. I am angry at myself now for that presumptive act, but have been angry at me for some time, and that makes me sound angry at everyone and everything. What a bitch and a sorry one at that, so I do apologize again. It might be my blog, but if nobody every wants to read it and comment, what will I learn then? Bupkiss! And if there is no learning, and I stay stuck where I am now… well if you think I am unhappy now, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet! And if momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!! :P

What heavy load? Not here. Now, let me have a look and see what you have in there sis.




  1. Halle-

    I would appreciate it if you read my blog, http://emilysvirtualrocket.blogspot.com. The blog is a virtual compendium of articles from newspapers, newsweeklies, and magazines, both popular and scholarly. The articles have a viewpoint toward transgender / transsexual news. If you like it, please put
    "Emily's virtual rocket "under the title commonly called
    "Blogroll". Thank you so much!



  2. (I wish ezs would quit spamming us.)

    I just read your other blog before coming here. What's to apologize for? You are feeling what we all feel at times. We know that, understand it, are very empathetic, and appreciate that you are willing to pour out your heart to us. Crying on someone's shoulder is not something to apologize for...it's something to be thankful for. I think it's wonderful that you are so open with us.

    To overcome this GID...this depression...will require positive action, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant. Do whatever you can do. Sometimes the smallest feminine act can take the edge off that GID(emon).

    Most importantly, remember that we are here for you. We don't always have answers but that doesn't mean you can't still learn. Your ability to artfully convey your deepest feelings is something many of us cannot do so skillfully. Many of us learn from your writings...they help us see, in written word, what we feel but cannot express well. In my case, I have to be careful what I write because my wife reads my blogs...lol. It's all part of my pledge to be open with her and stop hiding Suzi, like I did for so long.

    Keep on doing what you are doing. We all love you and understand your plight. When we sign off with "hugs" they are sincere and meant to offer encouragement. Stay cool young lady. :)Suzi

  3. Suzi said it all. What more could I add?

    Hugs indeed!,
    Melissa XX

  4. Halle,

    Looking back I've realized a truth. While fathering a child, loving & nurturing that small human being, seeing her gain adulthood and join the rest of the world, after my twenty-some year stint drew to a close, I realized I had seemingly set aside my load. The before time had seen the pack filling in quite handily, but finding my soulmate (against all odds, but that story belongs elsewhere) eased that load considerably, and it was nearly nonexistent during my time of parenting. As all of us know, and I came to find out, that backpack remains tucked away back in that old closet, collecting bits & pieces of "stuff". I suspect all of us on this journey hit those rough places more often than not.

    More than you'll know, I completely understand the personal scenario you've described. I seem to currently be in a nearly identical place.

    We all know this road is full of curves & potholes, and not always pretty. Please stop apologizing and beating yourself up. Sharing your down times does not infer attempts to dump your load on others. It means you are one of us, sister.

    Take care,

  5. Halle, as I have been told many, many times to quit worrying about publishing downer posts, I must prove that I have learned my lesson well: Quit worrying about publishing downer posts.

    Yeah, I get a tad queasy reading my darker posts, but I figure it's an accurate snapshot of where my head is, and isn't that the best reason to be blogging? C'mon, you know I'm right...

  6. And why does Suzi think that ezs is spamming? She clearly says "sincerely".

  7. As Suzi said...

    I get nervous about posting negative entries as well, for the same reason - but when I do it it does help... I have the same thing in day to day life as well though. As much as my parents say we want to know when it's bad so we can support me, I just can't bring myself to tell them most of the time as they have enough to deal with in their life without me adding to it. I get told off by them for that kind of thinking as well :)


  8. I concur with all of the above. This life aint all sunshine, lollipops and rainbows. I read the blogs that are honest and I (obviously) blog about whatever is on my mind and if people want to read it on any given day, I hope they get something from it.

    Write what you're feeling and share what you will. We'll keep coming back because you're real.


  9. For me, if transition is about anything it has been about discovering self-confidence and congruence in life.

    My 'pack' early on in transition was pretty full - and it wasn't nice to dig around in there. But I did - and I chose to deal with every nasty little thing I had crammed away over the years.

    The result? A long journey, but one where I actually feel pretty good about myself now. Congruence hasn't been easy to achieve, but it sure feels good.

    Self confidence? Well ... that mostly came from making myself real and putting myself out there to live - often in tiny little steps, but now I feel pretty confident about it.

  10. ☺ I remember the old days, when ezs used to actually read and comment first, then spam us.

    Thanks to everyone for the reassurances and load shifting comments. It is surprising to remember that when my pack was at its fullest, with family problems and work issues, heavy as can be, I couldn’t identify the source of stress; it was just everything, and so it was nothing. You really do have to empty the darned thing out every now and then and sort through the mess.

    It is gratifying to find a place in the whole world where there are others who will still give you a hug when you are up to your armpits in a dark mess (a bit smelly too; a lot of it is really old!). I’ll keep rooting around in that pack and maybe something helpful will come of it. If so, you will be the first to know; bet on it! ☺

  11. Halle,

    I can relate to being in a down mood from time to time. Like you I find sharing is helpful to me and helps get some of that darkness out of my system.

    I also find if someone else comes along who is in a similar state and reads what I post, they may find something there useful to them. Then again, they may see that and find that they're not alone.

    In knowing this, I'm not alone either.

    Neither are you. We're all in this together. Hugs