In brief, a comment left in response to one of my own on another site rudely suggested that I was in love with the sex organ given me at birth.
Am I? Yes in some ways and no in most ways.
No, it is not something I like to look at. It is not something I have ever used to my advantage on purpose. I cannot ignore those sadly obvious ‘benefits’ that seem to come just because I present as a male, things like generally higher pay, entry into men’s days at sport clubs (maybe someday I will get to go to a ladies’ day) and other items falling into the category of meaningless status. Ever since I can remember, the idea that some men violate women has been a source of tremendous shame in membership of the class ‘male’ for me. In retrospect, I missed out on many likely pleasant sexual adventures because I retreated from situations where I might have felt that I ‘forced myself’ on a woman.
What do I like about it? Well if you do not enjoy the pleasurable sensations that sex involves, you have missed out on a treat, haven’t you? It would be a terrible pity to miss out on that aspect of life as a human being for the sake of ‘shame’ isn’t it? The nerve endings and the sensations they convey would have been there one way or the other; male or female. I have often wondered if the sensations would have been different in any way if I was put right. I may never know the answer, but I do know that I do not hate that part of me that is involved in this pleasure; neither do I love it. I will admit it has many times been treated rather badly because of my GID, and that is as far as I will go on that topic.
I can appreciate that there are people out there who are fed up with men who want it both ways, because I am fed up too. Observing a person dressed as a woman while simultaneously flaunting masculinity is the worst possible advertisement for someone like myself. That sort of image is the main source of my sweetie’s nightmares about our coming out, convinced as she is that this is the way people will see me and they will hate both of us because of it.
The suggestion that some new words are needed to describe the various gender variations out there meets with my hearty approval.
It is scaring me some to realize how many days now contain thoughts that would start me on the road to make it possible to wear one label only: FEMALE. For those wonderful people who were born with that label, or have done what you needed to do to now deserve that privilege, you have only my admiration.
You might be able to sense how hurtful I found a suggestion that I am a ‘penis-loving hypocrite’. I try not to be a hypocrite and that might be a criticism one could level if they read my writings. But only I can answer the other part, and here I have; no I do not. Maybe writing this will help me leave the injury that barb left behind.
I have been so blessed on this blog to have commentators who are insightful and civil. It is not universally so. Please, as Ariel suggested in a recent post, when commenting on someone’s ideas, discuss the idea, not the person who stated the idea, and do not judge others on the sole basis of what they write. Maybe I should just say, let’s stop judging each other.
Hugs,
Halle
I always look at it this way. As much as I would rather it not be there (and lately, that is quite a bit), it has served some good, mainly the creation of my children. They are worth any amount of dysphoria suffered.
ReplyDeleteHowever, now that they are here and it has been surgically disabled from making more, it has no purpose aside from providing material for what should have been there all along.
As far as those who make suggestions about you one way or another that aren't true, just remember that you know the truth of things. I generally don't care what people say about me because the truth of me belongs to me alone. If someone thinks I am important enough to attack (on the nets! Not physically, please), I take it as a compliment of sorts that they are devoting energy to me. I'm not that important, really.
Hang in there, dear.
xoxo
Lots of overlap to Gin
ReplyDeleteThe comment was designed to offend, but it is only effective if you let it hurt you. How would anyone else really know what you love? How would they know if you are really a hypocrite or not? and if so, what business is it to them.
Bullies resort to tactics designed to suppress the spirit of the subject. Don't let them suppress your spirit.
You may or may not think that love is the right word in this context, but given your self reflection, I doubt that you're a hypocrite.
From my experience you are a good and thoughtful friend. If the commentator's descriptionn extends outwards then I am happy to join you.
As someone who has recently experienced something similar, I'm so sorry to hear that it's happened to you too. When discussing any controversial issue, it takes deliberate effort to stay on topic, and refrain from using judgmental or condescending language. That can be hard when one feels passionately about something, but if one can't, then it's probably best to just avoid the discussion altogether.
ReplyDeleteOne blogger has been acting like a male bully though many decades transitioned, I think many are confused as to why this has been happening. I have been hurt because so many I know have felt these criticisms. Best let it pass if you can.
ReplyDeleteThat pleasurable treat is not available to all of us. The alien part attached to someone often unable able to form relationships which lead to these pleasurable sensations. Though it would appear to be popular self actuation of the nerve endings always struck me as about as depressing as it could get just heightening the fact that our outsider situation had left us alone and unloved. Shame never came into it but disgust and self pity did. I shall not miss a heartbeat if ever asked to sign the consent form to authorise a proceedure which will eliminate it and if any of the nerve endings survive I shall be most interested to experiment.
Caroline xxx
I'm sorry you have been subjected to abuse. As I've written elsewhere, it's amazing how some people seem to think they know someone else better than that person knows themselves. Clairvoyance! Not. Just BS.
ReplyDeleteI understand how some people loathe their member too much to take advantage of its nerve endings. That wasn't me. I have always loved sexual pleasure, and probably always will (until I get too old and feeble). The organ I was born with gave me pleasure. And yet when I fully realized my own nature, I was absolutely ready to have it "repurposed." In my own experience, the sensation is now different, and frankly more satisfying. However, what I had before was damn good, if brief.
You are no hypocrite. We see your heart here in this blog (even if you don't publish everything you write -- neither do I). Anyone who knows you knows the struggle you go through every day.
You will be enticed. There are many who will feed you fantasy. But you are you! A man for God sacks!!! They will fuel that fantasy and in the end you will lose your wife, children, friends and acquiesces.
ReplyDeleteYour chose my man. Hoe you can live with the consequences!
About the comment just above mine (please leave it!), I must use my pointy stick. Are "God sacks" those things behind the penis? If you lose your acquiesces, will you still be able to sign consent forms? What does fantasy taste like? And calling you a Hoe is beyond the pale. Do you suppose Anonymous is male?
ReplyDeleteMy unit (The Senator, we call it) is something I am ambivalent about. It has given me great pleasure and three kids. On the other hand (the left one), the aesthetics of the thing repulse me, and it feels very out of place to me.
I have those fleeting thoughts, too, Halle. I'm glad you took the time to write about this one.
Our anonymous friend is sending a heartfelt message my friends and made some typos. The message is clear, a bit short of details, but clear. I am guessing someone of their acquaintance regrets choices related to their gender.
ReplyDeleteKeep reading friend, please, here and elsewhere in the other blogs nearby and you will notice that we take loss pretty seriously around here. I do know what is at stake, believe me and so do they. Not everyone loses everything, but yes, some do.
Thank you for commenting, all of you.
Most of what I might say has already been said by others. However this sentence caught my eye:
ReplyDelete"Ever since I can remember, the idea that some men violate women has been a source of tremendous shame in membership of the class ‘male’ for me."
It was always a source of upset to me that I was unable to comfort my female friends on the occasion that they had been treated disgracefully by blokes - sometimes even by 'friends' of mine - because as a bloke myself I was one of the 'enemy'.
Halle the accusation that one is a "penis loving hypocrite" is of course utter nonsense. How can anyone love or hate a body part? The question and the statement in answer to whether one loves/hates a body part is in the same category as naming ones penis or speaking about it in the third person singular.
ReplyDeleteAnd anonymous the problem is that of course we aren't men. We are who we are. We work hard every day not to loose anyone and many of us succeed. And we live with the consequences of our actions sensibly and with courage.
All I can say is that a hypocrite could never open their heart to us like you have. I see someone searching for answers while sorting out emotions and deep seated feelings about their personal identity. Most people go through similar times in their lives, even if gender identity is nowhere on their radar. I've never been left with the impression that you are ready to leave your family, etc., just to transition. In fact, I feel you are ready to sacrifice your needs and desires to maintain what you love more. I can only salute you as you live your life on YOUR terms. :)Suzi
ReplyDeleteDang, now I feel mean-spirited.
ReplyDeleteLeslie Ann, I really do appreciate that you got upset when someone turned up here an dissed me with pronouns, then didn't leave their name.
ReplyDeleteIn the spirit of the post, I felt obliged to try to be nice to a guest.
You are not a mean-spirited person my friend!
Hugs,
Halle
I am with Suzi, on this one. I greatly admire those that honestly and sincerely confront their personal demons
ReplyDeleteAlso, I would like to make clear that my issue is with the issues. That I will take issue with those that promulgate or advocate for their particular brand of TG is not a mean spirited sport as some might choose to believe. It is a sincere effort to push back against a false paradigm.
Why do you think it was so difficult for so many of YOU to make the difficut decisions that might, NO WOULD HAVE, taken your lives in a totally different direction.
I am a firm believer that people are responsible for the choices they make and I would NEVER second guess or devalue those decisions.
However, I do have a particular dislike and distaste for those who would seek to justify their mistakes by trying to convince others of the "rightness" of their decisions under the quise of 'advocating' for 'social justice'.
And I really dislike and despise people who, rather than take issue directly with me or my words, HIDE in a cowardly fashion behind veiled innuendoes.
OH! And BTW, I LOVE MY PENIS! I have to share it with my husband, of course, because it is attached to his body. But...the good news is though, that he is always happy to "share" it with me for our mutual enjoyment.
ReplyDelete