"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Sunday 7 November 2010

Exploring the Labyrinth

As suggested in “Purging Indecision”, we need at some point to acknowledge what is already known; I must stop running around that same worn path and engage in the process of finding the way forward from here. Everything here might be wrong, but for me it has been the best chance to move forward from another stuck position, so I have attempted a frank working out of what is true for me (the whole person), even though, for your use, gentle reader, these contents have been highly edited. I gather from some comments, much of it has still been familiar, and for that I am both sad and grateful; misery does like company.

I have visited the gatekeepers hereabouts, and the way out of the labyrinth could very well be via the route they offer, however I am not ready for the red pill to keep me in ‘wonderland’, not now anyway. They understand those who are on a path to transition. I really don’t think they understand or have a path for me. The gatekeepers’ suggestion for one who like mysef, chooses not to transition, and whose goal is to keep sane while hosting a girly-girl inside is “get out there and crossdress”. Some of my good friends here are shaking a cautionary finger at me, others are standing and applauding at this point, saying ‘you go girl’ I expect. Maybe. Maybe soon.

I suppose the idea is to feed the beast to keep it happy and at bay. There are a lot of reasons for my indecision.

I love the scene in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid where the main characters are fleeing the ‘good guys’ and find themselves standing on a high bluff; nowhere else to turn, they have to jump and trust that somehow they will survive.

In the movie, the main characters get away for a while, but as we know, (and this is giving the ending away if you never saw the movie) sadly, they die in the end, because their plan cannot be sustained.

The strange thing is that even though I have not been out and proud as maybe I should (I really do not know), my male side has developed what Petra once referred to as “increased curb appeal” because of our interactions here and an increasingly powerful internal ‘womanly’ presence inside.

The mind split is not a situation that can go away. I am trans. Maybe I should dress, but it isn’t nearly as important to me as being a good person.
The future, as always, is veiled in a secretive cloak. Every decision brings a new path and what is down there will be something I can think about and report on then. No matter what, here I will always remain your sister,



  1. Labyrinths always have been a symbol of an inner path. They cannot just be walked once and one is done. They must be walked many times and in so doing will transform the inner spirit of the walker. What we call transition is the final gesture on the path not the first. In walking the labyrinth, my garden, for many years I have had a hand in creating it, and as I walked it, my labyrinth became an ever perfect reflection of my self. While physically there is always the way out of the labyrinth and the door is open, when the day comes to step through the door it is you not some imposed dynamic that will make you take the step. And at that point your garden will no longer be a mystery and the labyrinth has become a road map.


  2. Dear Halle

    I very much like the new blog name over the old one.

    I look forward to a happy day somewhere ahead when you feel that the spirits have been reconciled, reduced to one, and enlarged in happiness.

    Onwards and upwards...

  3. Have you ever walked a meditative labyrinth? It's been a long time since I did, but it's a wonderful and often insightful experience.

    I think cross-dressing is for, well, cross-dressers. If it's right for you, it is. But it's not for every two-spirited person. As you say, there are things that are more important to you.

    Always your sister as well. xoxo

  4. This is going to come out like a lot of nonsense so be warned.

    I could not live the male life and refused to wear many of the things my mother wanted her "son" to wear. I went into mourning early on and wore only black, day in day out. I became a blank.

    I left home as soon as I could and went straight out and changed to bright and I mean BRIGHT unisex clothes and this saved my life.

    Fashions change and the unisex died so I had to buy women's clothes without going flouncy or lacy or anything too obvious. Nobody really took any notice and it sustained me until I finally came out to the world.

    Wearing male garb would have been my definition of cross dressing and I shudder at the thought as I do at the thought of ever going out in over the top female dress before dealing with my appearance first.

    So it was all about the clothes but at the same time not. Ariel probably said it better.

    Caroline xxx

  5. There are no absolutes in the trans life. No one can tell you what is right for you. Everyone has to decide what is right for themselves, based on their particular set of circumstances. Whatever you decide, you will always be one of us.

    And by the way, you are a good person!

    Melissa XX

  6. Feed the beast. You have learned your lessons well, Grasshopper.

  7. Halle, thanks again for capturing something important. The "eat me" and "drink me" options are always the challenge we live with. The advice of others .....well we must assess it all then work our own life as best we can.
    However I don't think its a shared "misery"; it has ups and downs; it certainly seems more intense. The misery is interspersed by ecstasy too I hope. And yes- kerb appeal too (why else would I wear these shoes!).
    Thank you again- spot on; and yes a great new title but I'm glad you kept the Socrates quote!

  8. Having fought the "good fight' for so long, and so well, why give it up now?

    I gotta tell you, being a woman ain't all that special. It just is....