The façade is only so good, when compared with an honest life. Once we have acknowledged our female part, our public male side no matter how hard we try, is never perfect again. Sure, it is good enough most of the time, so we can go about our work and normal interactions with acquaintances. For loved ones from that moment on, they also have a façade. I say this from hard experience.
My sweetie’s situation worries me now more than my own. Now she has a façade too. It does not fit her. I know, we all know and understand the stress of keeping this sort of secret for years, but that was our choice. She did not make the decision, but is stuck with living the lie that we are still husband and wife, for us and for others.
I feel as though I am cheating by being here, sharing this. She so needs others to share and discuss this burden that was passed to her almost two years ago. I have all of you. She has me, a person she cannot really trust. In so many ways she hates me now, and that is another layer of falseness as she tries to pretend that everything is just fine.
Mrs. H is not used to keeping a false front. She has always been a very honest and open person. This quality above all was what attracted me to her when we met. Now it is compromised and between us nothing has been or will ever be the same.
Daily we create a new relationship. The process is made difficult because a Phantom called Halle is living in the room, a person she does not know and is afraid of. It may be that she will get to know her, or maybe not. These choices are still in the future because neither of us wants to take this risk yet. Real happiness is a condition from the past. An uneasy truce exists. The war against myself has simply move from me to us. Do not ask me about regret today.
It is fine to have a façade, and necessary too for many of us, but do not deceive yourself yet again by thinking the situation is great and normal. Honesty is not a policy, no matter what anyone tells you. Honesty is a way of life, and a façade is dishonest. I must accept that.