"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Thursday, 13 May 2010

Ending it All

It is possible ‘Maintaining’ might have a very short existence. It might go on for a long time. As the old man used to say ‘time will tell’. At this point, with very little as yet, it would be of little consequence if I clicked on the ‘delete’ button over there next to ‘edit’. Things might get 'juicy' eventually... we will see.

Only having been in Blogistan for a short time, I have experience the ending of a blog only now and then, but the thought of it gives me a chill. What happens to all of that collective experience, the wisdom, the tragedy, the humor that is being shared here when a blog ends?

Of course, it is only my own perspective, but I believe the give and take aspects of this medium should both be appreciated by its participants. As one who has finally moved from the ‘taking only’ side, I can see how easy it might be to just stop. There are a few natural end points in what goes on in our lives as trans-folk, and when it’s done, and we don’t feel like writing about it anymore, or decide to change to some other medium or whatever, shouldn’t we just click ‘delete’ and be done with it?

Veronica in Canada is on my mind today, as a catalyst for thought and deep feelings about our journey. She is fully woman now and might become a candidate for that old DELETE key process. After all, ‘that’ is all in the past, and as she writes in today’s entry “Here and Now”,  “I have all the personal memories I ever had, but it's as though the current "me" has always been there. It's hard to remember having been male. It's getting hard to believe that I was!

She has three years of ideas stored over there at “Life Right Side Up”, three years of experiences that she does not really need anymore. However, I couldn’t help but notice that on her very first entry, dated May 18, 2007, there are two comments dated November 28, 2009; one a reader and the other Veronica. She understands that this is also about helping others, even if it starts out as a form of therapy for us.

A big hug and thank you Veronica, and the rest of you too!



  1. I hope you don't stop writing. Maybe you could just post once a week or just as you need to.

    Yours is an important voice that I know I feel the need to read when I see something new. I cannot articulate what is going on inside me and I have been "at war" with myself for nearly 40 years. Sad. But, with wife and children, how can I not try to cope and make each day a good one. My GID will never go away, larger society may never accept me and others like me, I may never feel totally "congruent." But, I must do my best to accept myself and decide how I live my life and be in my own family's life on a daily (if not, minute by minute basis).

    Your blog makes that easier for me and rightly or wrongly, helps me see that by my "maintaining the facade" - I am not failing myself, the transgender community or the world at large. I can only do what I can do.

    I just wanted you to know how your blogging efforts have affected me and my life. I hope you will keep writing and inspiring me each time I visit with you.


  2. That means a lot to know the crazy ideas help someone else too.

    Thanks for letting me know.


  3. Hi Halle,
    I agree with Karin July1992. It is comforting to know that other people in the world share the same challenges that I face each day. I discovered your wonderful site about two weeks ago after finding a link to it on another wonderful site. Links lead to links which lead to people with interesting voices describing their efforts, thoughts, and heartfelt feelings while trying to maintain the facade with love and laughter in their lives. I have 55 years of experience but I am still learning and growing when I read your site.

    I have a strong wish that our younger generations will read sites like yours as they evaluate the possible paths before them. Imagine how our lives may have changed if we had the opportunity to follow the lives of others who traveled the path before us even if only for a short period. Your site may serve to inspire others to live a fulfilling life despite the heavy gender challenges or it may serve as a warning to others to free themselves of the grip of denial.

    I hope you will continue to post your thoughts and feelings. Thanks for sharing a piece of your life with us.

  4. @Rachel - Thank you too for sharing. Hopefully, somehow you and others who feel these kinds of exchanges are helpful will pick up the torch and find ways of presenting their ideas as well.

    This post was my attempt to encourage sisters who have given full measure so far to continue, or at the least to leave that legacy for others to read and get continuing benefit.


  5. Let me add my hope that you will continue. Your thoughts help me form my own, help me know I'm not alone, help me maintain the facade and not crack.


  6. A wonderful post, Halle.

    I, too, have blogged on this subject. Some bloggers have reasons for shutting down their blog. Others, following transition, leave there blog up posterity. Many simply have nothing to more to write about following transition and, indeed, want to divorce themselves from the trans community and just go on with their lives.

    One of the wonderful blogs I used to read was authored by Fiona Clare. It was an emotional blog that read like a book. I followed her through her good and bad times and eventually her transition. She left the blog up for a few years but I just checked and it is no longer there. I believe she only had one post following her final surgery but there must have been a few hundred prior to her surgery. She was a beautiful writer, as are you. There was so much for others to learn from that blog and it's so sad that now it is gone.

    When we begin writing these blogs, we are writing under an alias. We live our male lives with our given name. It is easy to keep things relatively secret using an alias. We live two separate lives. Our TG life and our male facade. Most of us do not want to mix the two. But, following transition, the alias is no longer an alias, is it? The girl then wants to live her life in a relatively stealth mode. Wouldn't you? With that in mind, I truly understand why most of our sisters take down their blogs and just fade into normality as the women they were born to be.

    Calie xxx

  7. I am in the camp that I do not believe you should ever delete your blog. Why, well if it can help just one person hang on for a bit more and not destroy their life and the life of those around them, then it has fulfilled an important roll, it has more of an impact you could ever imagine.

    I can say I was at quarter till midnight of transition until I read Callie's blog and got involved in the group here. I turned a corner, didn't transition and stayed in my current life for yet another year.

    What did i get for that? I got to be involved in my daughters soccer, my sons band, and an easy work life. All of these I would not have gotten had I transitioned. I would have missed so much. Everyday is a gift, and sometimes we all need just a bit of a push or encouragement to make it through. The words of others are that encouragement, they are that push. Others are there to say, I am here for you, I know what you are feeling, and if I can do it, so can you, so hang in there.

    No you don't have to write everyday, every week, or even every month. Stay active, contribute from time to time, and be there for yourself or others when the time is needed.


  8. I feel the need to uncloak my invisible ship to comment here. In my many years of blogging, I've witnessed the majority of bloggers last less than a year. Things change people, and time changes people. The lack of integrating and feeling appreciated was a large reason many left. Others also left because their own words were eventually used against them because the visibility of blogging often becomes overwhelming when friends and family finally starts reading.

    In my case, I agonized about closing my blog. I remember the intimate and painful moments that I processed that were there for the world to see, and others seemed to be inspired..all because I simply shared MY story. All because I made it day after day. But after a difficult decision to stop writing about my transition because my own words were used against me by people close to me, I quickly learned to breathe and live again.

    My words weren't destroyed. That's what archiving is for. My blog may be gone but there will be a day where my story is revived in a new form and I will get to share it in a new venue with those who may benefit from it. You'll see. Someday.

  9. Hopefully not repeating myself here, but the gentle give and take of this medium allows so much learning. In my euphoria, seeing mostly the benefits of blogging for us, it was inevitable that I would miss other factors. Lori, you and Calie have helped me fill in the gaps in my understanding, to see what else goes on here. This is what I hoped would happen.
    I have hesitated in letting Mrs. H know about this blog, for many reasons. I now have another to consider.
    As far as my pen name, I have become very comfortable with it here, but if and when I go public presenting as a female, it now seems very sensible to chose another name so that this one can fly under the radar. We will see.

    Again, thank you all for your help!

    Hugs, Halle

  10. Sorry for being so late with a "thank you for your kind words." I'm still catching up on blogs that I've recently added to my RSS feeds.

    I am more likely simply to stop writing than to remove my blog. It's possible, of course, that there would be a compelling reason to remove it, but I can't think of it now.

    I hope you keep writing your blog! I enjoy your writing very much. Everyone has their own voice. Yours is a distinctive one and a great addition to my own personal "blogistan."