"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Friday, 14 May 2010

One of the Girls - NOT

It is not quite five a.m. as I write this. This morning my dysphoria is at vibration level. I do not need to consult a certified therapist to figure out what is causing my anxiety. Without giving anything of the man’s real life away, I will tell you this next few days is going to be like my earlier post ‘Joyful’, on steroids.

Sweetie and I are going to a fancy dress party this weekend. Unlike those other ladies around Blogistan who might write about their colourful gown, how it is cut, the neckline, what style heels and how they will accessorize, I will remind you that I am maintaining a façade. My sweetie and I have an agreement that I will not out her to our friends. I love her and a promise is important to me. Her love and support has sometimes been the only thing that kept me from saying goodbye to this sad story called my life. So, I will suck it up and be the man, literally. I will revel in her beauty (and she is beautiful). I will support her and do what I can to make her look good.

I will wear a very classic man’s outfit. In other words, disappear into the background, allowing the other ladies around me to glitter and dazzle. I will not glitter. I will not dazzle. I will look and act my part as a …. Nothing.

Façade sucks. I hate it.

There is no doubt that I will get over this, somehow, because that is what I have done for fifty years now. I suck it up and get on with it, as the man I learned to appear to be. But you know what? This time it is going to be better and easier, because under all that guy look, I will still be me, watching and learning so that some day, I will have a chance to be the real me. Just not this weekend.



  1. I've evolved a strategy for dealing with social events at which I am surrounded by women and beginning to sink into the mire of dysphoria, and that is to become female in mind as I get into conversation with the women with whom I am sititng. In short, to enter into a girly chat.

    I don't think any of my female friends have made any connections or suspect anything, I think I'm simply marked as being a safely married conversationalist. Which suits me fine, because being able to slip into girly chat mode has saved me from despair more than once.

  2. Hmm, girly chat mode; more than just observing - actually participating! I like that idea. I'll give it a try.

    Thanks Jenny!

  3. I can relate to this. I recently went to my Brother in laws wedding and it was horrible looking at all the lovely dresses and women interacting.
    I was stuck with all the men in dinner suits talking about the usual male BS.
    Bizarely I had a few to many drinks and sudenly started over compensating. I was on the outside the life and soul!
    I have to say I had a good time in the end although I wish I could have been there as a woman.

  4. I use Jenny's approach too, usually nobody notices, but just after Xmas, a gossip with a friend's wife ended with her saying "but that's men for you, they'll never understand us"....she then stammered and apologised (and I played mock offended), but I was really delighted. Sadly this has only happened once. It does counter the envy though of drab presentation though. Enjoy the night, (pretend you are a girl in guy fancy dress- that's my life anyway).

  5. I often choose to hang out with the girls, I feel much more comfortable than trying to pretend 'guy talk' like sports or something else. In our small circle of friends and family I'm accepted in the girl circle.
    Keep on writing Halle, you never know how helpful something you have said will help another in their own struggle.

  6. I am with Jenny and Claire---the only way I can get through those events is with the women in conversation. Being forced to be an outsider with them men causes severe anxiety and depression.


  7. I also will enter into a girly chat mode but will always insert some sort of male "marker" so as not to throw them off too much. I also will help my wife shop, match her clothes and shoes, etc., and otherwise live my female side, in an even such as this, through her.

    Calie xxx

  8. I too will enter into girly chat, my blessing though is being a nurse and working around all women. I use that excuse as I can delve into the deepest and most personal girl chit chats. I can chat about having a period or what the best purse is. I will say that this drive my wife nuts as she is sure someone will "know." I will say there are times when I have to dial it back, especially when I spend all my time with the women.


  9. I suppose I could just skip ahead to see how it worked out, but I don't roll like that.

    I don't get emotional reading blogs, usually. When you said that you felt like a nothing, well, that got to me. I have spent a lifetime feeling that way, often unconsciously.

    I have recently found success with the Jenny system. The last two events where I had to man up were made quite tolerable by chatting with female friends. I think my interest was taken as odd at one point, but I was included. What a difference in outlook!

    Terrific post, Halle!