"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Tuesday, 18 May 2010

Finding Halle

In this entry, I am going to let down my guard. This entails a risk of exposure that is making the male side unhappy, however there are risks in life, and I need to be true to myself here, if ever I hope to be true in my real life.

Taking my cue from the sidebar my friend Petra, who I hope to be able to emulate some day, used to include; if you clock me because of today’s revelations, please remember that these experiences of mine have been and will be repeated many times by people all over the world. I am not the only person who has been inflicted this way, so maybe the man who you think is Halle in drab, is really just some other poor soul who has finally overcome some of their gender difficulties. Please be kind and understanding to all of us.

When you have a lady inside running the show in a body that she really isn’t happy with, well that is a bad mix. In my case, the lady inside came as a surprise almost two years ago. Sure, over the previous forty years, when I reflect on them, she had been there and had generally been making my life a misery. As I explained in ‘At War with Ourselves’, my feminine inclinations as a youth were buried deep, in an effort to overcome what I had believed was a very screwed up childhood. Finding and then being true to my feminine nature came as an accidental blessing, although from a certain perspective it was not a good thing. This might take some time to explain, so bear with me.

Three years ago now, I was an over two hundred pound guy with all kinds of issues that caused me grief. My face was usually puffy, with eyes that had bags and circles. My hands were a mess from biting and picking at them. Our sex life was almost non-existent. It really makes me emotional to think what a mess I was physically and in my mind; so confused and depressed for no good reason that I could think of. It never seemed to be enough, no matter what ‘it’ was that I did, or how well it was done. I guess you could say I really could not even like myself.

Like so many, I had suffered from lower back pain much of my adult life. It started to become a debilitating condition, to such an extent that I finally sought medical interventions. The remedies suggested were one of two options: physiotherapy with wellness training or surgery. Determined to give the first a try I began counseling, exercises and diet control. Losing the weight, especially from that belly, was a big help in relief of those back troubles. If you think of most men over the age of forty, a protrusion over the belt is pretty much a constant. Mine was dragging my whole body out of shape and getting rid of it was the beginning of getting the back pain and leg pain under control. Exercise is an important part, but a proper diet with food intake in moderation is really what helped me shed thirty pounds.
My sweetie had a big part in helping me with this, and we now support each other in the constant juggling act of eating right without seeming to be punishing yourself.

What else happened as I took back my body from the neglectful male custodian came as a tremendous shock. Looking in the mirror, I took some pride in myself, for what was the first time in many years. My mind’s reaction to that pride was the real surprise however. The imagery of my society began to work on me, but not in a socially acceptable way (from my male perspective, at any rate). Where society would say I should have been imagining myself walking the beach with my shirt off for the first time since teen years, I began to see a shapely body and legs that might be garlanded. I looked at the soft, colourful material on the women’s clothing around me and envy was the clearest emotion. Their hair-free, shapely legs with feet in pumps or Mary-Janes or high heeled sandals became, in my imaginings, my shapely legs. It was obviously a very difficult time. I was in denial again, for the first time in forty-five years.

What soon became clear as well was that the lady (nameless at that point) wanted a pretty face, and smooth hands and feet (of all things). As I made an effort to take better care of these aspects, my mind became quieter. I began to find peace inside at the same rate that some personal (and female) pride emerged.

The great truth here is that nothing that I did then, or continue to do now is bad from a male point of view. The shaggy eyebrows and the bags under the eyes were not attractive for a man either. The chewed up hands were unsightly and embarrassing. My feet gave me a great deal of pain. Getting rid of the calluses on them has increased their sensitivity which has improved my balance. I walk easier and with better balance, so my back problems have all but disappeared.
My sweetie could see what was going on, and she deserved to know what was going on inside too, or so I thought.

This is quite enough for one post (maybe too much) so I will stop here, regroup and continue later.



  1. Dear Halle,

    Congratulations first on the weight loss. You just bought yourself 3,000 days you may not have had to wrestle with these very issues, amongst other things.

    And so interesting how the weight loss was the trigger event for all the current exploration. You had, it seems to me, very much of a chrysalis experience. You removed the shell and Halle was free(r) to emerge.

    And, btw, I had forgotten I ever wrote that bit in the blog sidebar. I will have to take a look and see if it is still relevant. Thanks!

    Looking forward to more...

  2. Hi Halle,
    Well done with the weight loss. I could identify with some of what you have written.
    Thanks for this post I found it an extremely interesting read.

  3. Interesting that weight loss triggered your revelation of the lady inside. For me, it was bodybuilding. Like you, I was trying to change my physical image (it didn't dawn on me until later that I was especially drawn to the female body builder's images in the magazines I was reading). I thought I was becoming more manly but in hindsight I can see I was pursuing a body image more in line with women fitness models. Who knew?


  4. Well done on the weight loss - and for doing it the right way :)


  5. Thanks for the observation Stace. Luckily my sweetie blazed that trail, and knowing how successful she was at maintaining her slimmer self helped me avoid any sort of 'fad' diet that might have given only temporary results.